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My AH has been a heavy drinker since we met 12 years ago. I always thought it was because we were young and having fun. We had our first child and I noticed he still drank, a lot. We had another child. He still drank a lot. But he never drank where it interfered with work or where anyone else knew about it. So now we have 3 beautiful children and I've never felt more lost in my life.
When he has time off work I dread it. I know we'll go out to eat and he'll drink 4 of the biggest beers there (in an hour). Then he'll get a six pack for the house. If he's really wanting to push it he'll sneak wine or something else. This usually occurs every day/night he has off. I watch his mood change and he becomes obnoxious, wants to spend money, paranoid of people (because his dislike of people isn't already high enough), and I never know when he's going to be too far gone. Some times he thinks he's going to die and other times he's crying about he and his brother when they were teens. He's ruined many Holidays from being drunk/ hungover as well and I'm afraid to bring him around family or friends because of what he might say.
So here is MY problem: I can no longer react in a sane manner. I feel like I rage if I even smell the slightest amount of booze on him. I start spouting off at the mouth and I get so upset. I've been trying to walk away from it. I try to watch a movie or read a book and detach myself from him when he drinks. But this has turned into how unhappy I am and maybe I want a divorce. AH says he'll give me the house and kids and he'll move out somewhere if it's what I want. There is no mention of him not drinking because he doesn't have a problem, I do. I HAVE THE PROBLEM AND HE WILL NEVER CARE WHAT I THINK. (That's according to him.. tonight).
I can't help him but I want to help me. I dont' know where to go. Do I need medicine to not rage? How do I feel in control again? I don't want to hate him. I love him so much ... I don't love the alcohol.
My AH is also high functioning; he has never missed work, and beleives very strongly that because he brings home his paycheck and pays his share of the bills, that there's no problem.
When I was new here, feeling lost like you, many people recommended the book "Getting Them Sober." Try to check it out...it will help you know that you are NOT crazy, you are NOT alone, and you CAN find serenity for yourself even amidst this insanity. And of course, try to find an Al Anon meeting.
Oh, I really feel for you, and I absolutely relate. When I went to my first Al Anon meeting a little over a year ago, I felt desparate, alone, and out of control with my anger and frustration. My AH and I have two small children (2 and 5), and my husband's drinking was destroying our family life. I hope you can find your way to some Al Anon meetings. They have helped me enormously with something that felt so overwhelming, and when I felt totally lost. The information, support, and compassion from others who have been or are still living with alcoholism saved me and my family. Sending you so much support and understanding. I am sorry this is happening right now, but there is hope, and it can get better. So glad you found us here!
I agree about the book and the meetings. I just started attending meetings about 6 weeks ago and I am reading the book for the 3rd time through. It is well worth it, in my opinion. My AH was slipping down a slippery slope and I saw the writing on the wall, but he did not and nothing I said was going to get through to him. Now, he is facing his first DUI and he is scared out of his mind. He told me last night that he should have listened to me but when I started interfering he rebelled and said, "I'll show her. She can't control me." And, he kept drinking even though he was teetering on quitting. He said that my pushing and nagging(which really was just me being concerned for him and for others on the road, I'm not a screamer or a yeller) and pointing out the fact that he's risking a DUI, etc made him want to drink more. He said his ego got in his way and he said that I was right all along and that he's very sorry. Well, yeah, of course you're sorry, you just got a DUI and it's going to cost thousands of dollars and possibly cost him his job and put our finances at risk.
Since I have a few weeks of AL Anon and the people here to support me, I actually feel pretty peaceful about the whole thing. He says he's done drinking but I know he still has alcohol hidden in his flask and other places in the house. I am taking a 'show me' attitude right now or an 'I'll believe it when I see it'. Actions speak louder than words at this point but I truly am grateful that he got that DUI as I think it could be at least the beginning of the bottom for him. Will it truly be his 'bottom'? I don't know, but I know he's learning a valuable lesson right now and I'm learning to really use the Al Anon program to find peace and happiness for myself and for our son. I hope you make the same decision, it may really help you to release some of that anger and frustration you feel and may help you think more clearly. Hugs!
That was sad CW....Unfortunately it sounds like the standard alcoholic marriage. Alanon will help you define boundaries and then detach from behaviors of his that send you into rages.
No...you don't need medicine. Perhaps divorce is down the line if he is crossing over so many of your boundaries that you cannot be in a husband/wife relationship.....but I would give alanon a try for a while so that you can be in a calmer spot before making that decision (even though it wont be easy no matter what).
I feel for you and hope you find more serenity soon.
Some times when he drinks he admits he has a problem. Other times he doesn't. I try to be thankful that he's not blacking out anymore (that I know of) and that I'm not getting pushed out of the bed in his drunken states. I have tried to look at this as positive as I can because that's the excuse he feeds me. This morning he's already acting like nothing ever happened. I can't stand it. I just don't know how to find happiness and not let him bother me. I wanted to go back to Church but as soon as those words flew out of my mouth every single person in our house has been sick on a Saturday and Sunday for the past 5 weeks. I find myself overeating all the time and almost binge eating when he's drinking just to deal with it. The thing is that I haven't worked in 6 years and I'm so scared of being on my own and affording day care. I try to tell myself I can hold out for 4 more years (so there won't be a daycare cost) but these last few months I have been more aggressive and now he's rebelling even more. I also don't even know what a "normal" marriage is. I don't tell anyone about him because I'm afraid they will isolate me or judge me and not even believe me.
Thank you all for the kind words. I'm sitting here crying knowing that I"m not bat crazy after all.
This is where alanon really helps because after you get connected to the program, you will feel somewhat of a safety net below you due to the fellowship, a sponsor, and the tools that the program offer. You will start to feel like 'Oh my God....I might be okay no matter what happens!" and from there you will be able to face the hard choices a day at a time and get by. You do need support and you don't have to do this alone. Doing some work in alanon is living in the solution now and not the ongoing problem.
You're not crazy, and this doesn't have to be solved over night. This is where "One Day at a Time" is useful. All we need to get through is today. You took a big step by coming here. Please try to be gentle on yourself and release yourself from the additional pressure of having to figure it all out right now. The "mornings after" were difficult for me too. What you are describing is very normal for this kind of situation. You are going to be ok. Big hug
p.s. The meetings were great for me right away in the sense that I had a place where I could tell the truth without having to worry about the very things you described about telling others. Just sharing my experience...I totally understand.
You received some great ESH already, I just want to add that could have been my story except with 2 kids instead of 3. I hope you are able to find local face to face Al-anon meetings and in time a sponsor to help youdeal with living in an alcoholic household. I aslo recommend the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, she is very insightful. I am sending you love and support and glad you found us at MIP!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I do not think you need medicine.. or you do if you consider al-anon medicine. Its like medicine for the soul. I can single handedly thank my sanity and happiness today to al-anon. It has quite literally saved my life. Hope you get to that face to face mtg. Welcome and youre not alone.
-- Edited by Michelle814 on Wednesday 22nd of February 2012 10:40:24 PM
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
It sounds like a good start for you, but don't get discouraged if you don't feel great while there or if you feel like you don't fit in( I felt this way at first, but my second week was so much better). Al Anon suggests that you try 6 meetings before you make a decision of whether it's right for you or not. You can also try other meetings and go more than once a week, if your schedule allows. I try to go twice a week now, but I found a lovely smaller group that I love on Thursday nights and my Friday night meeting is much bigger but still so informative.
I know your emotions are all over the place right now,but just breathe. you need the 3 C's..you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Those words liberated me from the crazy place I was in several years ago. Al Anon will teach you the skills you need in order to get through this and with these skills you will slowly feel empowered ...and the rage will begin to evaporate and peace will begin to enter....today...just today....
Well you hit the nail on the head . Until he says what he's doing is causing him a problem it ISN'T its causing you a problem , please find meetings for yourself you need support from people who understand exactly where your at . My husb too was high function , he owned his own business , we lived well and he never missed a days work in 20 yrs , we are enablers and when we stop protecting them they are forced to take alook at thier behavior , learning to detach with love takes time , focus on your needs get your life back on track and regardless of what he is doing You will be okay . Louise
