The material presented
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I'm in my second marriage. By the time I married my first wife, I'd been in intimate relationships with maybe 6 women. I was married to her for 18 years. I was only unfaithful twice so that makes a total of eight relationships. I was single for 4 years. By the time I met my second wife I had made up for lost time. I had a string of unhealthy relationships with women who drank, women who used drugs, women who did both and women who did neither. All my relationships failed. I used to say, "I know what I did wrong last time." What I did wrong was get involved in the first place. I learned in a different fellowship, why I was having so much trouble. I suffered from a total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. I thought I knew what I was doing especially since I had so much "experience." But I didn't have a clue.
Its like rock logic. If you take one rock and add another rock all you have is two rocks. Take one sick person, add another sick person, guess what you get. It wasn't until I completed the steps of this program (and that other one) that I was able to have a healthy relationship.
Once when I was in a very depressed frame of mind and felt like ending it all, my sponsor suggested I do my inventory first. That way I wouldn't be killing the wrong person. Relationships are like that too. Until I did my inventory work, I never knew who I was bringing to the relationship. Now I know and believe me I wasn't who I thought I was.
Fortunately my second wife is also in Al-Anon so I guess we used water logic there. Adding water to water gives you more water.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
I married an A when I was 19...now divorcing after 29...been separated for a year and a half...
dated a couple of times and fell HARD for a guy -- we dated for six months before he told me he could not give me what I needed. That was in December.
It still hurts...I don't know how to be alone..I feel unlovable...am realizing how programmed I am by 30 years with an emotionally abusive A. I am scared...and don't have alot of hope...but am trying to stay positive.
I have been working hard to keep from obsessing why it didn't work (what is WRONG with ME)...and trying hard to remember STEP 1. I AM POWERLESS over others.
I love your share Wolfie and love what your sponsor had to say to you! I think we are all like onions and after we peel off the yellowing outer layer, we are shiny and new underneath, you know that when you put an onion in a big pot of stew it helps flavor the whole pot for the better! That is how I feel about my home Al-anon group we all bring different flavors to the pot and I learn so much and it helps continue me to work on peeling off another layer and finding a me I like even more.
I think this is a new favorite saying for me (Do an inventory, that way I wouldn't be killing the wrong person.) So many times I felt unloveable undeserving and well just a frustration to all that had to deal with me. With my step meetings with my sponsor and meetings I feel likeable and loveable and even worthy of someone healthy when I am finally ready. I will not just clingon on to another man out of sheer need because I am filling my big black emptiness inside with my HP and healthy things these days!
Your share gave me hope and I will clingon to that today!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I think I've come down to the common denominator in my "failures" is me.
There was some success for me in my marriage in that both of us got into recovery. My now ex husband went on to be a counselor and it seems like his life is a success. He certainly does not sound like the same person he once was. I could take his inventory but since I am not involved with him why bother?
Thats been one of my core charactor faults taking others inventory in relationship. These days I don't wonder why someone is like they are or try to change them but I do change how I relate to some of them. That alone is very painful.
I'm so glad you can participate in a healthy relationship. I do understand that so much of it for me is being in a healthy relationship with myself first.
Interesting share. I like the onion analogy. I used to expect my husband to solve all problems. I did not even have to ask for what i wanted because he should be able to read my mind, don't you know. haha. I would huff and puff while doing the dishes or cleaning the house, I was the great martyr. Now I make myself happy, funny how it works out because the happier I get the happier he gets and the happier he gets etc etc. But when he has a bad day I don't internalize it anymore. His bad day is his and my day is up to me to make good or bad. If I would like him to do the dishes. I simply ask if he wouldn't mind and then I leave them in the sink for him. Life is so much easier than I used to make it man. Thank my HP for al-anon and AA.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
