The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can humbly accept God's will for me now. I feel it flowing through me now. I can put my hands up and enjoy the roller coaster ride that is life as I know it, which is not much. At my home group last Thursday, a dear friend I have made in the program happened upon a 3x5 index card holding the page for one of the ODAAT pages we read. Her husband had drawn on it. It was a doodle of a roller coaster and said something along the lines of enjoying the ride with the up's and the down's. I can do that. I can accept I have no power over most things. I am weak without my HP. I can barely do anything at all. I need my HP to make me strong and to guide me. Without my HP I am lost and hollow and broken just like I was before, seeking happiness outside of myself, coming up short, then acting like I knew more, acting like I had power over others. Exhausting.
I know a new way to live and I like it. People around me might wonder why I've changed. Some may find it nice, some may not. I have to remember the people who do not like the changes in me are probably trying to get back what they could use out of the sick me. They want someone to drink with, someone to gossip with, someone to fill their self pity jar with, or complain about the weather with. I can't be that person for them anymore. I have to remember that it's okay for realationships to alter and shift because my most important relationship is growing stronger. I am just a person, a mortal, a human... but with God I can truly live and feel and be at ease with who I am, what I have become. Surprise endings, as Pushka read. No coincidence she came upon that sign and then posted it here for so many to feel something from it. As my therapist told me "life is not going to be what you expected, but it can be better." I don't know what the ending will be, but the middle is okay for now. My arms are way up over my head, and though my stomach churns at times, and I almost vomit on the passenger ahead of me, I smile. I am laughing so hard it turns to a shriek of joy as I plummet, full force, to the Earth's core almost. My eyes are squinted and the sun is bright on my cheeks. Its a roller coaster ride. It winds through tunnels that are so dark at times. I can only make out a crack of light called hope, far ahead, I stare at it. The carts could be swirling right off the tracks at these times and I would not know it. What could I do about it anyway, besides brace myself for impact? I have no control. I don't know anything much. I am just here for the ride. I have accepted that I will never know much at all in this life. But I can feel the energy and magnetic force of what I call God, and for that I have every reason to feel gratitude.
I would not change a thing, For it is in my perspective that I see ugliness In this life. It is within my own fears and ego That I see any ugliness at all.
-- Edited by Michelle814 on Monday 20th of February 2012 10:02:41 AM
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
have you ever seen the movie "Life" it had Michael Keeton (sp?) as the lead. Your story reminds me of that movie. It's an oldie, it's a good renter.
Thanks for the share, you always inspire me to dig deeper,
hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I agree my days in alanon and before alanon could often be compared to a very frightening roller coaster ride. I know that there is a huge difference in my perspective and attitudes. Before alanon I thought I was alone in control and could handle it all. If I plunged into the depths I would never, never recover and that it was all my fault and that it had to be fixed immediately.
Entering alanon and learning the powerful tools available. I still did plunge to the depths, filled with sadness, grief, and devastating pain only this time I had a fellowship to uplift me and a Higher Power to walk with me. and tools to carry me up. It made a huge difference.
Alanon says do not leave before the miracle I am glad I did not You see my surprise endings were very painful. The loss of a Child a Husband and Job..
Using the tools, meetings, living ODAT trusting HP I am in awe of how simply, amazingly, almost imperceptibly my HP has worked all this out for the GOOD.
I could not have written the script So I will continue to follow my HP's lead
