The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am reminding myself not to fight my HP's plan. Surprise endings: my HP's speciality (thanks Pushka!). Hey, HP, this better be one helluva a happy ending because right now it just sucks.
I keep reminding myself there is something greater than myself. There is a bigger plan. There is something different for my life waiting for me if I open my mind and my heart to it.
AH admitted his drinking was a problem tonight. I listened and asked if he would be willing to go to an AA meeting. He said no, he can do it on his own. I said, OK.
I asked if he would be willing to go to a counselor. He said no. I said, OK.
AH said he was miserable living in our home. The conversation went well until he blamed me for his unhappiness and drinking (and I silently repeated the 3C's to myself). I said he has to find his own happiness and his own solution.
AH is choosing the geographic solution, at least for tonight. Maybe longer. I made it clear though that our home does not have a revolving door. There isn't in and out service available (we went through an 8 month seperation where I allowed the revolving door).
Tomorrow morning, I will wake up, ask my HP to guide me through the day and guide me to the life I was intended to live.
I'm calm for now. Breathing. Tired. Remembering how far I have come. I'm not begging for AH to come back. I let him walk out the door. I'm OK. There is a bigger plan and greater power to guide my thoughts and my actions. I am powerless over alcohol and many other nouns. My life was unmanageable. Tonight it is manageable with a lot of help from my HP.
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Sunday 19th of February 2012 11:02:54 PM
It sounds like you have alot of things figured out. It is never easy with the A's. My AHsober left seven years ago. He said "It's you, that's why I am unhappy, I am tired of working on this relationship, the purpose of life is happiness". That was his geographical only this time I didn't follow. I too know there is a higher purpose for me. And talking to him does no good. He won't work a program.
Hello, I have been lurking here this year but haven't read anything for a couple of weeks now and just today signed in and read your post Very Very Tired and thought I had written it myself!
I wish you well and I have noted some of your words for myself. Thankyou.
blame is just what they do .. in some ways and ironically ~ they drink because they blame .. the drink itself sometimes makes a great blame (excuse) .. What I've learned for me over an 11 year time span of a relationship (in my case) primarily with my x meth addicted partner is that what we're powerless over are the Effects that another's thinking and behavior has on us .. I know for me I used to pray to my hp for the alcoholics and addicts in my life to find sobriety because I thought that's what "I" needed before I could get better .. Recently I heard grief defined as Awareness, Acceptance, Action .. For me this is just what it is because every time I am in the presence of my xa, I realise I become more and more Aware of how things really are as opposed to how I want them to be .. hence the grief, sadness, insanity, etc .. I can't control it, change it, or accept even the simple fact this is how it is .. (I have accepted it more but not fully, it's a process) In doing a 10th step recently, I also began to recognise that all of my powerlessness "Over the alcoholic/addict's behavior is literally teaching me to Accept the things I cannot change .. I'm seeing the process .. (as in the serenity prayer) I also recognise that when I do feel better, the main thing that changes for me is my perception of how I'm seeing something or someone in a new light .. Many times myself ..
I love that you typed you are seeing something greater than you .. I began to reflect on this for my own personal self and what I'm recognising is wow, if I begin to think there is nothing greater than .. me ?? What does that make me and where does that put me .. How arrogant I can be and incredibly limited in my thinking .. I used to think I was so powerful .. I've even grieved this .. the Awareness I'm not .. but .. I'm learning for me, God is ..
Even when I think back to the prealanon image of my hp, though, punishing, narrow minded, fearful, edgy, etc.. I know this is exactly where I was when I first came in .. I was so narrowminded because .. there was Nothing greater than me .. I myself was punishing, narrow minded, fearful, edgy, etc.. no wonder I had such a limited and distorted view of my higher power .. I still very much have the same higher power but today i have a different view ..
keep sharing and coming back, the answer is coming here .. the solutions are different for us all .. Never worry about how many times you share on the same subject .. what I'm learning this week is that wow .. i can read the same books for years, Hope for Today, Courage to Change, One day at a time and Still I hear something new .. The same is said for sharing .. I can share on the same subject for a week and Still I hear something new ..
(( It's never easy but this program does work if we work it ))] We're powerless over the Effect recovery, fellowship, literature, higher power, sponsors, etc.. have on our thinking and behaviors too !! Thank you higher power for that !! what a gift ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Monday 20th of February 2012 09:25:37 AM
Fun music is cranky in our house today. I'm headed to a yoga class. Got a F2F meeting I can get to tonight. Left a message for my therapist to see if I can get an extra appointment this week. Reading my Al-Anon books. Talking with my HP. And breathing.
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Monday 20th of February 2012 09:50:39 AM
Oh my goodness .. you set out to get some esh and what a gift you gave to me this morning !!! Several years in and I have Never seen nor understood the Truest Need for a Power Greater than me .. Even with my own higher power who with respect for everyone's perception of higher power as well, I choose to see as God .. Wow that line was so powerful for me .. "there is something greater than myself" .. I began thinking of this as I mentioned above in that if I begin to think there is Nothing greater than me then how arrogant am I .. Then I began to recognise how Everyone is my higher power Because they are stronger in many ways .. Some good some negative as in the disease .. Stronger in control, dominance, superiority, self righteousness, anger, etc.. judgments, blame, etc.. but also in self confidence and some other good ways .. Then I began to see how truly Powerless I am and the Great Need I have for God who is stronger in love, wisdom, courage, clarity, Mercy, Forgiveness, strength, etc.. He is Not at all sick in his thinking; there are no secrets with God ..etc.. Then I began to think of how many things are more powerfull than me such as my addiction to smoking, etc.. began seeing how much I need Gods strength because he is much stronger and wiser .. Having seen all of this I am Admitting my True level of powerlessness this morning on a much deeper level .. I even began to recognise that i for a time was my addict's higher power because I was stronger in sobriety, etc.. he needed me .. i was his strength against his family who was stronger than him and as long as I had Their approval than he did too .. Began to see how that began to deteriorate the more I stood up to his family because when they then turned on me and later on him .. they became stronger than him and the Effects of them turning on him were just too much for him .. (even if he did create the crisis to begin with) his own self sabatoge, etc.. Anyway I am recognising that only God truly has enough strength to continue to keep me Standing in His serenity through it all .. I need him because the others that are higher powers over me (including my mother who criticises me to this day and pushes me away, etc.. ) are crushing for me .. They don't lift me up .. I allow them to take me down (but never to the degree I used to and there have been many miracles through the years !!) Thank you for sharing .. It will definitely help me in my walk with my higher power and the future level of dependancy which I will begin to place in Him which is where it belongs in the first place ..
Keep coming .. have a great yoga class and Thank You
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Monday 20th of February 2012 10:32:18 AM
I am sending you so much love and support. You my friend are working your program to the hilt!! So grateful to be sharing this journey with you.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
No easy answers unfortunately. Arresting and treating alcoholism involves "a radical psychic shift" and that is WAY more than "I think I need to stop drinking." I started having that realization years before I actually went to AA. It must be really hard detaching because it does sound like letting go of his issues is also letting go of him to a large degree and this is because he is clinging to his issues so intensely and refusing to change.
One thing I can tell you from my experience is that you HP doesn't give you what you expect - It's round about - so if you are praying for your AH to get into treatment - Well he has to sink to his lowest bottom in order for that to happen. If you are praying for the marriage to "work out"....It might be that he needs to be off on his own in order for there to be any chance at him growing into a responsible partner and father. Or it may be that the "working out" is for you two to not be married...who knows? Your prayers may sort of be coming true already and you don't recognize it cuz it is not happening in the way that is easiest or what you want. But you can trust that it is happening in the way it is supposed to.
As far as all the pain you are in and for when you feel like it's just crashing down, you might focus on this: Just when the caterpiller thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.
**That is what you are becoming and it is happening slowly but surely.
I went to an AA lead last night. I don't go to those often but this man talked about what you are expressing. He always blamed everything on his wives... plural, because he married like four times. But whichever one was around then he blamed for his drinking and troubles. You know its not you. you are reciting the three C's, you came on here, I hope youre going to f2f mtgs and reaching out to people. I am sorry this is happening but you know where your focus needs to be. We're all here for you and your HP is obviously taking care of you right now.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
The ex A blamed me for everything. When I left him his life completely fell apart and he still blamed me. 5 years on I am sure he still blames me. Detaching from that was a very very big undertaking for me.
I said, OK.