Confused & Disappointed - Al-Anon Family Group

Ariel · Veteran Member

Confused & Disappointed

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

The active alcoholic is just as fearful, confused and resistant as any addict. They don't know and don't know that they don't know what is going on and what to do about it. Rehab and AA means that he is admitting to be less than rather than under the influence of a mind and mood altering chemical. It also means that he is addicted to something that he thinks he can control. The fear means he will blame you and others before looking at himself and his self caused condition regardless of his past. You are as powerless to change that as any substance abuse professional (I use to work in the field) when the alcoholic/addict is in the throes of the addiction.

So what did I do? I went to get help for myself. She continued to drink and use and I got my life back including not drinking and using myself.

Let go and Let God. ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I learned through Al Anon to mean what I say, and if I make a boundary I stick to it.

If we tell them if you drive drunk again you are out of here. Then we have to stick to it. IF we want to take care of us. We deserve respect, and we have to earn it.

I know it is hard, I am so sad its like this! I remember reading your post to me and the feeling I got was like, oh what a light, happy creative, esoteric lady!

Its hard knowing how bad things are.

They want to bring us down, as they think then they can control us. Ok I will go to AA but you need it too so you have to go with me. manipulation.

What can you do for you and your kids?What do you want to do? He is very sick, his disease is making you and kiddos sick.

What do you have to do to get what you want hon? Can you go to meetings? The people I know who have been in Al Anon and or AA are so important to me. We share the same experience and the tools we need.

sending you hope,debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

They say that ultimatums try to force them to do a certain thing (and they don't work because we can't force them), but boundaries are about what we'll do. It sounds as if your situation is that you're working to figure out what kind of boundaries you can/should make to protect yourself when he gets so drunk. When you're living in the same house, it's hard to insist that someone has to leave if they don't want to. People have found ways, but they require careful thought and advance planning. If this is a recurring problem, you may want to think about whether staying living in the same house is something you want to continue. There are legal ways to separate, and that's a choice you always have -- there's no rush to make a big decision. It sounds to me as if you're in a place where you're wanting to figure out a short-term decision (like: what happens if he comes home horribly drunk tonight) and a long-term decision (like: what decisions to put in place if he does it every week for a year). Watching what others have done has been so helpful for me. In both cases, I guess the brief answer is that recovery helps us figure out the bigger answers.

-- Edited by Mattie on Saturday 18th of February 2012 11:14:53 PM

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I know what you mean about hearing a bunch of different things but you have to remember some are new to al-anon in those rooms but no one should give you advice because no one knows the situation like you. Should you stay should you go? no one knows.. but I quit giving ultimatums because I learned when the time came they may not have applied. I have set boundaries, however.. and it is different. What should you do? Get to meetings and as many as possible and connect with as many al-anoners as you can. This board is great but being face to face and getting a real hug is better. Just surround yourself in al-anon if you can. I don't know how old your children are but some have childcare. Some of the questions we have in the beginning tend to work themselves out as we let go of control over the things we have none and put it in our HP's hands. (((HUGS))) I know its not real but it may help a bit.

Tattyhead · Senior Member

I gave so many ultimatums - they were meaningless because I never did kick him out or leave myself. In the end I stayed but I have to tell you it was 6 years of hell for me and my young adult children. My husband died 6 months ago and in a way I'm glad I did stay but it was at one hell of a price.

Tish xxx

danni · Senior Member

Oh Ariel, I am so sorry you are going through this. It just sounds so painful, especially with little children. I know the meetings can be confusing and overwhelming at first, and I hope no one there is telling you what to do, beacuse we are only supposed to share our experience, strength, and hope. We are not supposed to give advice. Some people stay with their alcoholic partners, some don't. It is a personal decision only you can make. It is suggested you try at least six different meetings before deciding if Al Anon is right for you. One meeting can be very different from the next. We hear a lot of "keep coming back" because it can take some time for it to make sense and help. Our problems weren't created in a short time span, and the solutions take time too. Regardless, I am offering you so much support. Please keep posting here and know you are not alone. Big, big, hug.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

How can anyone tell you what to do when they don't live in your shoes? Only you will untimately have to live with the decision. Other people can walk away from whatever choice you have to make. You have to live with your choices. So take your time. You've waited this long. You will know without any doubt when you know. If you are still in doubt, then don't.

The only way you could keep him out is with a court order. And even then if he comes back (because he is so drunk he can't remember) you would have to call a police officer to get him to get out. One lady in our group had 2 young children she wanted to protect from seeing their dad so drunk, so she would call a neighbor over to babysit while she drove her hubby to a sleezebag motel and let him sleep it off there. Then she would go home and have a peaceful night. The hubby would wake up in a strange place and make his way home the next day. He only had to do that twice (that she talked about) and then he got the message to not go home after a bender.

Ariel · Veteran Member

Thank you so much for the replies:). This board has helped me so much. Meetings have been difficult bc I'm not connecting as much with the women. Others in my life just tell me to leave him. Even his mother has told me to kick him out time & time again.

Even though he is not drinking he is still doing all of the old behaviors. I'm finding out that he is not a nice person, and that perhaps that has nothing to do with his addiction. I'm finding that now that I have more of his time, I don't want it because he's angry and mean. I almost want him to go back out to the garage & drink and leave me alone.

It's all so confusing, and I'm so very disappointed. I thought when he stopped drinking that he would be a nicer person - but maybe he is just not. I know at this point I would have to sit him down sober and ask him to leave if that was my decision. I am losing hope that it will ever work out. My feelings are changing, I'm tired of walking on eggshells, I'm tired of paying all the bills, I'm tired of his behavior. I'm tired, and I'm sick of it.

Thank you again for the replies. You all have helped more than anything:)

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