I need help trying to figure out what to do - Al-Anon Family Group

wifeofalcoholic · Senior Member

I need help trying to figure out what to do

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know if my answer will help, but when I was in this situation, the first thing I did was all the unhealthy things -- confronting him, arguing, pleading, threatening, manipulating. None of that did any good. I got more miserable. Finally, after more crises and pain that I have space to even start describing, I decided that I couldn't live healthily with an alcoholic, and that it was more than clear that he had no intention of going into recovery. So I split up with him. The peace started immediately.

Others who have stayed with their A's will have suggestions along those lines. I believe they usually center on focusing on oneself. My ultimate point is that you do always have choices. Sometimes we feel bad because we feel we're trapped in our situation. But we're not. You don't have to endure this any long than is good for you. Sometimes it helps to think, "I can deal with this right now. If it gets too bad, I don't have to deal with it. I'll decide about that when the time is right."

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I distance myself physically and emotionally.
I do not engage with him.
If he is home and he is stoned, I go to another room and read a book. I don't look at him or talk to him.

I used to do it with pursed lips and a frown and a 'get stuffed' look on my face. That was antagonistic I decided.

Now, I have said to him, it is your choice to get stoned not mine. I chose not to get stoned. I chose not to be around you when you aer stoned because I don't like the look in your eyes, the sound of your voice and the fact that I cant communicate with you effectively.

If he gets stoned, I give him a little kiss, tell him I will chat with him in a few hours, and do my own thing whatever that may be, minus the pursed lips and the frown. I will NOT do chores and get all angry (Iused to do that to show him how inconvenient it was htat he was relaxing .. and look what I HAD to do... such a martyr!!!)... I read a book mainly. I have sat and watched a movie with him but not on the same sofa and I don't communicate with him.

I guess it is the attitude from me that has changed. I accepted that is what he is going to do... what am I going to do??? I don't like being angry and upset, so why do it?? It doesn't prove anything to him.. if it did.. it woulda worked by now woudln't it????

I probably would have still gone to the dinner and not engaged with him, and I would have had a lovely time with my friends.

Easier said than done hey.

You are right that it isnt' the way a marriage is supposed to be? Marriage is supposed to be roses and romance and love and togetherness and good and bad together.... those things from our vows... but .. reality is that not many people actually have that..

It is not up to us here to tell you what is acceptable and wht is not acceptable, that is totally up to you. What can you live with and what you can't live wtih.

Setting boundaries is important for your own sanity.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Wife...there is soooo much to learn and the learning comes best if you are an active member of the Al-Anon Family Groups and attending face to face meetings in your area. White pages of your local telephone book...Al-Anon...call the number and get the places and times we get together in your area to help and support each other thru the drama of this incurable, fatal disease. One of the important things I learned was to be able to determine which person I was dealing with at anyone time...my wife or my alcoholic/addict cause there are different rules and beliefs and behaviors for each. My alcoholic/addict was suffering from a life threatening, incurable, fatal disease that could only be arrested by total abstinence. She had a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body and the disease tore us both up on all levels...mind, body, spirit and emotions. When she wasn't using and off of the chemicals for a while...usually after a physically debilitating event and during treatment then I was able to have my wife more intact and still affected. She wasn't "normal" so therefore we didn't live "normally". I certainly wasn't normal living in the disease so I had tons and tons of non-working reactions to what went on in our life. Soooooo crazy and sooooo sad.

Get around the Al-Anon fellowship and work on finding sanity and serenity.

In support (((((hugs))))) smile

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you can find face to face meetings in your area and the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews helped me to find serenity! Sending you love and support!

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((wife))) This is certainly a difficult situation to deal with. You've gotten some really good ESH already, but I'll add mine. I reached the point where I just couldn't stand being around my A when he was drunk. He would keep repeating himself, forgot what he or I said or what he did five minutes earlier, etc. So I finally decided NOT to be around him. When he started drinking I would walk away. Go somewhere else and do something else. That worked for awhile but then he would start following me and talking at me. We now have separate rooms which is a big help. I go to my room, shut the door, and read a book or watch a movie. As far as going to your friends house-I would have had to go alone, or stay home to keep within my boundary of not being around him when he's drunk. Take what you like and leave the rest. Sending you support.

danni · Senior Member

Sending you support. I know that anger, disappoinment and disillusionment very well. I find speaking to my sponser (about my AH's drinking), calling other members I have met at meetings help lessen those feelings tremendously. I try to remember to write gratitude lists when I am really feeling the sadness come on. I always have a good book going. I love to read, and it is an immediate escape into another room and world if need be. It would be especially difficult for me at someone else's home to deal with a drunk husband. I'm not sure if you go to meetings or are working the steps, but going to a quiet room (usually the bathroom at someone else's home) and praying helps. The serenity prayer, steps 1 and 2 (that's as far as I am with the steps). I am sorry you had such a difficult night. That particular anger is just the worst! I am working on trying to detatch and not just ignore--emphasis on TRY. This is still a challenge for me, but I get tired of reacting in ways that make ME feel bad. It gets better. Again, sending you so much support and understanding!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Are any of the qualities he had when you married him still there? Sometimes it helps to sustain a marriage when you can at least recognize that the good is still there and it does come out. If I was just dealing with my ex-A forgetting to make phone calls and such that would be 1 story - I dealt with him being so drunk he tried to kill himself - He passed out multiple times so bad he hit the ground and fractured his face....He wrecked 2 cars within 2 weeks... Now that is aggravating.

Not trying to diminish your pain but you don't have to let him push your buttons. You also are the only person that can decide if there is any good reason left to be with him or if all the love is gone.

In support,

Mark

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

one of my biggest "Ah Ha!" moments was when I believed he is very sick.

He cannot help but do what the alcoholic does. Nothing I do can help him or make it worse. He has a disease.

One cannot have a "normal" relationship with an A. Non A's and As in my experience are so very different.

For me I had to look at it all different. All I could do was love him, enjoy his just being around me when he was. If he got bad, I learned to take care of me. AFter awhile it was second nature.

I gleaned all I could from this precious time.

Its hard to accept that their brains are retarded. Their organs are dying slow but sure. They are NOT having fun, doing it to hurt us, there is no agenda. they are sick human beings.

So I invite you to be kind to you. Maybe step away and really look at him, think of him as very very sick.

Does it help us to be mad at a person who is controlled by a very serious disease, addiction?

I found the serenity, I needed when I accepted this, believed it.

hugs, debilyn

TLD · Veteran Member

This is a great thread and you have received great support here. I would like to add, that when my AH was in this mood, I would not talk to him. We are not together anymore as I couldn't handle the rages, the disrespect and lack of stability. Each person knows and feels when they need to make this change. Remember you don't have to make a decision today. I would encourage f2f meetings as they are amazing.

Huge hugs and lots of support

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.