The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Many of you have mentioned that I should let AH tell our son about what is going on. Son is asking questions, though. He stayed with a friend for 5 hours today and he asked what we were out doing and I told him that it was a thing for dad that I had to help him with. He asked what it was and I said you have to ask your dad. He's been very quiet since and I know he knows that something is up. I wish I could tell him and have a talk with him but I know it's best if AH does this himself.
I think it may be best for AH if he does it himself but it may be best for your son if you do it. I grew up in a household where there were secrets and no-go areas of conversation and it was very unnerving and uncomfortable. I now know the Al-Anon saying "You're only as sick as your secrets." Something we won't talk about is in effect a secret. And waiting for an A to behave healthily could be waiting forever. When my mother wouldn't talk about what strange things were going on, I felt baffled and unsafe and helpless. I knew something was terribly wrong, and I had no model of how to think about it or how I could protect myself or be okay. Your A won't be able to provide a model of how to think about it healthily either. It sounds as if your son could benefit from Alateen. They probably have some good literature that kids can understand and that you could use to get a sense of how best to talk to your son. Being in the dark was very hard on me when I was growing up. I was scared and angry, and it came out eventually in ways that weren't good for me. I hope you'll protect your son from feeling so lost and at sea.
Someone on this site suggested I add "you are safe and you are loved" when my daughter is uncomfortable about something "adult" going on. I say it now when things get stressful. I can tell she likes it and it feels good to say it. I also try to keep things short, calm, and simple. I can tell by her reaction when I'm over doing it, which is usually more for my peace of mind than hers. However you decide to handle this with your son, he is lucky to have an aware and recovering mom. Keep coming back, and you all continue to be in my prayers.
I am giving him until Monday to tell our son. I know he needs some time to process what he's done. We have to have a lot of talks and it's not going to be pretty. I think he thinks he can drive my car, he can't because he isn't insured now nor does he have a valid license. Anyway, if he doesn't tell our son by Monday then I am going to do it. My mom is here visiting and I'm going to tell them both together and answer any questions my son may have. I know he knows something is up, it's time that dad steps up to the plate.
