The material presented
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Things have been quiet since the last outburst. I have been trying to focus on myself. He has been fairly quiet and agreeable. Then last night, I get home from work, he says he is really tired and going to bed at 6pm (usually a sign he has been drinking), I don't comment on it, tell him to get some rest.
While making myself dinner I notice his cell phone was turned off, he never does that, I stupidly turn it on to see what is going on and he has it locked. We have had this issue in the past where he would lock his phone because he was hiding videos and texts he didn't want me to see. He hasn't locked his phone for almost 3 years until now.
So now what do I do? Pretend I don't know. Do I say something since he knows locking his phone bothers me as it implies he is hiding something. I know if I ask he will say I was snooping on him and he will make up some lie about why it is locked. It bothered me all night, I prayed and prayed but this is eating me up. Why can't I just let it go OR do I say something since this is about trust and people who have nothing to hide hide nothing? Could use some outside opinions on this one.
My exAH lied to me and cheated on me frequently in the midst of his disease.
If you ask him why he locked it, is it going to change anything for you?
It was really hard for me to just accept the facts as they were presented to me and I engaged in a lot of snooping behavior myself when I was with my ex. I can tell you it never left me feeling any better. I'd either snoop and not find anything and remain convinced that "one day" I'll eventually catch him, or I'd snoop and find something that really upset me. In either case, I always felt worse after than I did before. Each adventure in snooping took me that many more steps away from peace and serenity.
It's really, REALLY hard to face the facts about someone that I love when they're facts that don't sit will with me. It's hard also to just accept what I know about someone without feeling like I have to find concrete evidence to support it. I stood locked in fear that I would be a bad person if I didn't confirm for a fact that my exAH was cheating on me before I told him it was unacceptable. I also felt like I had to acquire that concrete evidence so I could wield it like a weapon and bludgeon him with it to force him into behaving the way I wanted him to.
Do you have a sponsor? These were great things I brought forward to my sponsor. I just know ultimately that the snooping was a huge part of my sickness and was counter-productive to my recovery.
Thank you Aloha. Everything you said is on spot. I guess I needed to hear it from someone else. Acceptance is a tough one and you are right, if I ask his answer probably won't satisfy me anyway so why bother. Thank you. :)
I know when I think my partner will say I was snooping on him and get angry at that.. its because I have been snooping on him. Now, I can't say I never still snoop, but I do it alot less than I used to. What helped me was my response when I found the truth. It made me feel sick. I knew the truth anyway... but I had to look didn't I... and have it confirmed.. and it made things worse.
Whats the benefit of asking him? Whats the benefit of the definitive knowing? You know the answer really already don't you.
Al Anon says to stop asking questions you already know the answer to.
I have found much more peace when I don't snoop. Go withthe facts as they are presented. Consider my motives for my actions and the consequences for ME of those actions.
I snooped recently just to prove I was wrong. It turned out there were phone numbers I did not recognize on the day I thought he was cheating. He knew I was upset and kept asking what was wrong. I finally got the phone and confronted him. He admitted that it was another woman, but said that he had just been talking with her. I do not believe that. Then he said that there have been a lot of calls from old girlfriends and he was always afraid I would find out.
It is a boyfriend of two years and I broke up that day. Now I am so lonely that I think of just accepting his ways and going back with him.
I am addicted to him. Wish there was a 12 step program for that, but I am using m Al-Anon program to get healthy again. Then maybe I find a healthy partner.
