ahh yes.. this is what I have to ask myself very often

All my husbands friends are pot heads. They come to visit us and stay with us because he has known them for a long time. All my husbands brothers are massive pot heads amongst other drugs. They naturally visit thier brother and we at times, visit family.

They all encourage the drug use. I actually had people not attend our wedding reception because they became so smashed at the ceremony.

None of my friends use.

What do I do.. well.. I hope and pray they limit their contact. I do not get involved in any of the arrangements to visit them unless I have to (see post about upcoming trip), I remove myself when they are using.

This last ponit has caused some issues. It means I don't socialise with them when they are using. I have gone to bed, or watched TV. My husband has asked that I join him and be polite and social and I have made it known to everyone that I do not like the drug use, I do not like my husband using, so I will allow you to do what you do, but I will not be around.. that is my perogative.

I ask they use in a certain area of the yard so it does not effect me or my peace.

I am sure they don't like me and think hubby is right under the thumb... I don't care really.

It causes an argument occassionally with husband... but again.. I just tell him thats his perogative to use if he wants, but I won't be spending time with him when he is stoned.

Its not nice no matter what we do, but I have decided to take care of me.

part of enabling is making excuses for ones behavior based on other people being bad influences. 

Yah...the friend is not really an enabler...the friend is another alcoholic/coconspiritor. Enablers are people that stop the alcoholic from having the natural consequences he or she would have if the enabler did not protect them. Enablers are people that bail out of jail, keep a roof over their head while they don't work, people that buy the alcohol for them, that take care of their responsibilies while they are drunk or hung over...

Not to argue about semantics but you are more asking how to deal with the other alcoholics your husband is friends with. I have to tell you that when I was drinking, I surrounded myself with only other alcoholics for several reasons. They made my drinking seem "normal." They also were the only ones who would put up with me and my behavior. But...whenever the crap hit the fan, those friends were never around.

I think Linda probably describe the best way to handle a no win situation with a husband that drinks/uses and his friends. To a certain degree, when we get together with old friends, we may all regress a bit and relive old times...but we don't cut loose to the point that we are a bad example to chlidren or stop being a good husband. Hence, you don't need to argue with him, but you don't need to fall for the inevitable response that would happen if you were to make any statement of disapproval "What!!? I can't even have friends now! You are crazy!" Of course they fail to see it's not about friends and it's about what he does with his friends.

In support of you,

Mark

Thanks so much, everyone, for your wise words! It's not so much about me blaming this guy for my AH's drinking; I totally know that they are my AH's choices, and he will drink regardless of who is around. (This is also the guy my AH lived with last winter when they were working in another state, and at the time I DID blame this guy for my AH's descent into drinking much, much more. Clearly I know better now, and actually being around him more often while he has been staying with us has made that clear--this man does NOT exhibit the alcoholic traits that my AH does, and doesn't drink nearly as much as my AH does...further proof that we should never jump to conclusions about stuff like that.) It's more about how I sort of have a friendship with this person now, too, because he has been staying with us. Because he has only ever been perfectly nice directly to me/to my face, but I also know that he is at least partially aware of how my AH treats me, I was struggling with how I wanted to define my own friendship with him.

I'm examining my motives, and I think I've decided that I'm happy to maintain a cordial, friendly acquaintanceship with him (meaning, I'm not going to start ignoring him or anything), but that I need to be realistic about where this friend's priorities are. I need to look out for myself, first and foremost. Someone who knows how my AH emotionally abuses me (and who, I believe, heard at least part of my AH's diatribe against me last month, which was the single worst instance of emotional abuse to date) is CLEARLY not someone who I can count on as a true friend. Trying to be friends with him was, I think, a way I was trying to position myself to have a maximum amount of information about what my AH is doing.

It's hard for me to break the old cycle of thinking knowledge is power. In the case of my AH, knowledge, in many instances, just disrupts my serenity and leads to attempts to control him and the situation.

Thanks again!

I know you already received great ESH so I write here becuase I think its something I may need to vent out. Take it or leave it.

My husband had a close friend, who I later found out, he used and bought drugs with. Their relationships was deeper than that, though.. they were honestly friends. This friend overdosed and then later I found out about the lying that he knew about and the sneaking around with my husband that this person did. It broke my heart because this man and I were friends too. We were not best friends but we really had a connection. He was a great person. I really loved him. It truly made me so sad to know that he knew this stfuf all along but never told me. But he died so I felt guilt for feeling this resentment and then I felt resentful and angry and hurt. It was intense.

I now feel much differently. I feel such compassion for him and his family. I miss him. I feel so sad his life ended so early. He was an addict just like my husband. He was not the reason my husband lied to me. If he had went and told me it would have caused him to lose his drug running and using buddy and he was an addict so he couldnt have that. I know he probably felt some guilt when he hung out with me and he knew what they were doing. I don't feel angry at him anymore.

Another friend of my husband's goes to AA meetings with him often. I see him all the time. I still struggle at times with resentments, maybe because I have to see him. But, again. i knows its not on him. If my husband decided to use again and even if he used with him that was my husband's choice. I have talked with this friend about how I felt very strong resentment and I am working on letting it go. He seemed relieved to know that. I like all my husband's friends except maybe one and he does not come around since my husband has been in AA. Most of his friends are great guys and some have the same disease my husband has. Its a shame. Further proof that addicts arent just junkie losers. They are people, usually nice ones, with a horrible disease.

Thanks for making me think.