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This is my first post. I really don't want to make an outreach call but I don't want to isolate. I actually do want to isolate, stick my head in the sand and feel like a victim but I'm taking contrary action and typing away. Really feel so grateful for Al-Anon and the support I find here.
I have a lot going on and I'm freaking out on the inside. Very confused.
I'm engaged to an alcoholic with 28 years of sobriety. He got sober early in life and is very dedicated to his program. Part of the attraction to him was that he has a Higher Power, that he can take responsibility for his part in situations, and that he is willing to change the things he can. Or so I had hoped.
I guess my pain is in the things he can't change. Can someone change being self-absorbed and self-centered? He's a great guy in so many ways. But this inability to consider and honor me emotionally, to ask me about my day, to be genuinely interested in what's going on with me... and how he makes everything about him... it's getting really hard.
I grew up in an alcoholic home where it was all about my mother. I felt as if I didn't exist. I was expected to be there for her needs. Whenever I had a need, I pretty much got in trouble. Self-care was not an option. There was a lot of drama, passive agressive communication, rage and then emotional shut down.
So I take responsibility for being extra sensitive to these kinds of feelings and for projecting past pain onto my current relationship.
But as much as my fiance loves me, and he does, it's all about him. It's not malicious. It just is. And he doesn't even realize it. It's as if he has a sensitivity chip missing.
If I speak up with a need, somehow that gets turned into him getting upset because he's not good enough, or it's just another thing he does wrong, or why can't we just get along... and the next thing you know, there's this whole crazy argument about that... and guess what? My need wasn't met. And I regret bringing it up in the first place.
And then he treats my needs like he's walking on eggshells... I'm not really asking for high maintenance stuff. Basically, please consider my feelings.
He has such a big personality and I feel like I'm being swallowed up by it. I find myself either cowering to his opinions, or fighting to save my own. I certainly don't feel understood.
I try to communicate in so many different ways, but it always ends up very tense with a sigh of resignation from one of us. At this point, I just don't want to talk. I don't want to even risk another argument or misunderstanding. I can't continue this.
I am so confused. My heart and inner child are so deeply tucked away that I am disconnected from myself. I feel like I did in childhood: just behave and be a good girl and everything will be OK. But it doesn't feel OK. I don't feel OK.
Do I want to get married? Is it a wise choice for someone with my background to marry a man with alcoholism? Will this get better if we work on it? Can you teach someone to be naturally considerate? Can I even trust myself? Am I looking for reasons to flee because all my xxxx is coming up? Is this just another case of wishful thinking that somehow, someway everything will improve and feel like love? Am I just incapable of having a healthy relationship?
Your input would be greatly appreciated...
And lastly, it's Valentine's Day. And I feel like I have to get him a card and a gift. The living room is filled with presents for me. And although that's lovely, all I want is to be able to communicate my feelings and my needs without him defending himself, timing how long I speak, or losing his patience and turning to black-and-white solutions. Sorry for sounding like a victim. But my heart is really sad about the whole thing.
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 14th of February 2012 05:54:00 PM
All I can say is this .. if you knew things were never going to change would you still want to get married. Someone extremely wise on this board often puts that question out there and honestly it's something I am grappling with at this point too.
The only thing we can change is us, there is nothing we can do to change someone else. There are some good books out there, Getting Them Sober, as well as The Delimna of an Alcoholic Marriage. Those are the two that I have been using most at this point. There are ways to communicate effectively however you have to be willing to set your boundaries and know what works and what doesn't in your own situation. Stating how you feel is totally ok. I constantly check my own motives and trust me so NOT perfect .. then I have to remember I'm allowed to be human, it's all about progress not perfection. Stating how I feel more than once and I'm on a fast track to spinning out of control and looking to control the situation or person.
Boy oh boy, I am struggling with the control and how powerless I am. I am so JADE(ing) the situation at the moment too.
Ohhh the other book is Co Dependent No More, Melody Beattie, truly a rock solid rock star eye opener for me.
Keep coming back and keep the focus on you.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you so much. I'll look into those books for sure. I know OF all of them, but haven't yet delved in.
I just keep asking myself if this is pre-wedding jitters, if this is really going on, if I'm looking for and creating problems... my disease is so insidious and really makes me not trust my own self sometimes.
The only thing I do know for sure is that I am very sad and that God is in charge.
I agree very much with Pushka, and the general statement that while it is preferable to focus only on today, there ARE times when it becomes necessary to ponder the future (although certainly unhealthy to obsess about the future), and that it is SAFEST to ponder the future as though it will be exactly as it is today.
Alcoholism often goes hand-in-hand with other problems and when the alcoholism goes away, the other problems don't necessarily go away.
Your story reminds me of two addicts I've been involved with. Both turned out to have Asperger's. That was a sure reason that they were so self-involved and unable to take other people's feelings into account. Not asking about my day was par for the course. It got so distorted that I started to question myself -- "Am I being too selfish, wanting him to ask me about my day? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?" That might have been the case if he had shown interest in my life in other ways, but not asking about my day was typical of his lack of interest in pretty much anything about me.
Self-absorption is also a feature of alcoholism. But I'm convinced that if you'd taken away the addiction, these guys would still have been self-absorbed.
I really, really wish I'd considered how I felt from day to day when I made the decision to be with these guys long-term. It didn't get any better.
I hope you keep coming back, sharing and taking good care of yourself.
The only thing I would like to add here is...if you wonder what the relationship will look like after your married, look at how it is now, thats how it will be. blessings :)
Kel, your post sounds very familiar. I married my AH despite having hesitations about the many things you mention. My AH too is very self centered, it tends to crowd my feelings out of everything as it is always about him (if I get sick it is somehow about him, you know what I mean). If I had known then what I know now I would have walked away. That is just me, no one can tell you what to do. The best advice has already been given, if you know he cannot (will not) change, can you live like this for the rest of your life. Only you can answer the question. You will always find support and love here, no judgment, do what you feel is best for you. Hugs and prayers, sg
