The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sending you much love and support, .. it helps me to remember that it doesn't matter how good I am .. best wife, cook, mother, whomever I am filling that role for the reality is it would never ever be enough. It then becomes the other persons issue not mine.
Hugs P :)
I'm currently trying to QTIP much of the issues going on at the moment.
-- Edited by Pushka on Tuesday 14th of February 2012 01:16:07 PM
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Been there and I relate! I smoothed things over often, apologized often until.... I realized I was being DISHONEST.
In the beginning, my sponsor asked me to phone her FIRST before I made amends with apologies.... because she knew I was such a people pleaser. A people pleaser operates from a place of fear... "I fear you won't like me if I don't please you somehow...."
Once in recovery, I began to watch my MOTIVE for all my actions. Sometimes my apologies were simply not honest... it was okay to apologize for throwing his shoes at him during the argument.... It was NOT okay to apologize for making him angry when I'd call him on his lies.... But I did that kind of thing ALL THE TIME because I was so afraid of not being loved....
At that time, I was completely unable to love and validate myself. So I'd smooth things over so that I was love-able again....
Soo grateful for al-anon!! I don't have to get hooked by fear anymore, I have choices.
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 14th of February 2012 01:49:27 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
This is my mantra in this exact moment. A minor blowup on the phone, that I cut short by saying I love you, I'll talk to you later, good-bye. And now I'm fighting that co-dependent urge to call back, smooth things over, apologize for things I never did, just to make peace. But I know to do that would only make things worse, but for my AH and for me.
I am detached. I am detached. His behavior isn't about anger/disappointment with me. It is anger/disappointment with himself.
Ohhhh, *hug hug hug*!! I can so relate to this one! I had a similar incident and conversation this past Saturday with my ABF and had to sit on my hands to keep myself from calling and smoothing things over. Like you, I knew I didn't cause it, and wasn't to blame, and wasn't even really the aim of the entire verbal barb, but still the peacekeeper in me sometimes wants to reach out and make everything ok. You're so very correct about the user's/alcoholic's anger being directed at him/herself. Sending you support and kudos for being able to recognize what is going on and to be able to put detachment into practice!
Definitely a step in the right direction. I used to apologize for other people's negative behaviors too. Not sure if he would be receptive at all to a conversation about how disagreeing with each other does not merit screaming. He would have to be sober and calm for that one though. You are doing great with owning your part of all of it though.
