The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been going to Al Anon for about 1 year. Long story short : we have a beautiful, sweet alcoholic daughter who has been been in addiction half her life. Drugs at 15, stopped at 20 then picked up a bottle and has not put it down. I dont have to tell you what we have been through - we could have paid cash for another home with all the fines, lawyers, setting her up in an apartments, college tuition, reparing crashed cars, rehabs - you know the drill. Pains me to write this but her way of "taking care of herself" is sex. She will latch onto someone who will pay her bills and move in with him. After 3 months, the "relationship' hits a snag and she is moving out (or getting kicked out) and the former love of her life is now an a## hole. She is currently out of state, not living with us and makes a few dollars stripping. She has also acquired 2 dogs, one cat, and a gigantic turtle.She is 31 years old.
It was very difficult for me to realize that she will never hit bottom if we didn't move over and keep out of her business, and let her HP take care of her. But with the clarity of AlAnon, that is what we did. Boundaries are up and well defined. No more money, dont get into deep conversations with her as they are pointless.
She moved out to another state last year and after 6 months, the guy of the moment has told her to get out. He has offered to pay for the movng van & all expenses to bring her back here. There is no question that she can not live with us again - we told her when she left, there was no coming back to our house and she said she understood. My husband and I are now retired and are loving the peace without her here. But - and there is always a but- she has a six year old son, the love of our lives. He was with us for 6 weeks this summer and I can see already that he needs therapy as school has brought to her attention his anger issues. His father is off in another state, has never been a part of his life after 6 weeks and has a new family - we call him sperm donor.
She did not drink or do any drugs during her pregnancy, but got arrested for drunken assault six weeks after giving birth.
She loves her child but is verbally and sometimes physically abusive to him. I have called Child Protective Services in her state and reported her, they investigated and found no abuse !! She is intelectully a 16 year old (stunted mental growth wih alcohol) taking care of a six year old child. If for nothing else, we can offer our home to our grandson with stability - church, fantastic school system, cub scouts, etc. But she would never surrender him to us. She wants to move back with a clean slate and start over. Yes, she is still drinking and if she were to come back, I know in my heart we would be right were we were years ago, - she out partying but now we have our grandson to watch . I feel very selfish in not offering her a place to stay. But is that not the behavior of my old self - wanting to do things my way as it is the right and only way? I know deep in my heart nothing would change despite her promises to help out and get a job, etc.
My f2f group has helped some, but it is very small (2 to 7 people, max) and all the others have spouses, not alcoholic children. I know alcoholism is a disease, but It is different when it is your child , and especailly when they bring in innocent children into the mix.
Thats the story. I could not make this up if I tried.
I would appreciate anyone out there with experiences you have had with your adult alcoholic children.
Aloha Leenie...Welcome to the board and grateful for the display of trust you have in our ESH. My life evolves from the disease of alcoholism including the time I've been in Al-Anon, thank God. My eldest and youngest sons got into the chemicals while two other sibs didn't. My youngest son was able to dig his way out while my eldest wasn't able to for such a long time. His mother and I divorced because of addiction and the children were with-held from me by the courts and when he was old enough to self determine he came to live with me a full blown alcoholic/addict. I knew he was into addiction when he was 16 and had easily formed boundaries because he still lived away from me. At 19 he was with me and at almost 20 I divorced him also while staying in love and support of him. The love is complete and total acceptace of him as a human being and supporting him meant being there for him with my ESH but not taking up his responsibilities for his choices. When he got loaded and drunk and was stabbed (twice) I inquired that he was taking care of the problem and that it wasn't life threatening and also asked him if there was something special that he couldn't do for the moment. When he was stopped for open container violation it was the same and he progressed into a job and marriage still drinking and we lived apart except for the times we got together "as family" and then he went to his own life.
My Experience has been that with dysfunctional people I attempt to be the functional part of their lives whether they want me to be or not and/or whether they ask or not and often in spite of whether they agree or not. I have become a part of the negative consequences of the problem for them and distract them from meaningful recovery which I had no idea about when I got into Al-Anon. I didn't even know what alcoholism and addict was so I was working from zero.
You already know that if nothing changes...nothing changes. You have a clear prediction of the future should a miracle not come along first. You also know where the miracles of recovery come from and how because you are an example of one I can only assume after being in recovery yourself for the length of time you have. You know alot and what I found in recovery was that the recovery wasn't in the knowing alone but in the practice of changed behaviors and the reliance on a Power Greater than Myself.
My Son and his Family live above me some two plus miles. He no longer drinks and uses and has arrested that thru his belief systems. My grand-son, his son, has been dabbling a bit and comes over to talk and do things with his Grand-father who has 33 years of recovery including being alcohol free. Grand-father shares what he has learned in recovery and nothing else...I'm not a smart man and will go with only what has worked for me and others. The disease is still present...ours' is a still somewhat dysfunctional atmosphere and coming from the deep inside the disease of alcoholism it is a miracle that the situation is not worse when at times it has been much worse. Thank you God we will continue to work it as you continue to abide with us.
So Leenie I have not found the magic bullet that fixes all and arrives at perfection. I have what you have experience...strength and hope that as I continue to work the program MY life becomes managable and happy, joyous and free.
Hi! Just a note to say I understand what you are going through, both of my adult children are A/A's it's an ugly disease, so much pain in the 25-30 yrs, I can't even remember it all. Getting involved in my own recovery, getting a sponser and most importantly is making your HP, for me (God) the head of your life. My most recent incident with my daughter is a few months ago, she became homeless due to out of control and irrational behavor. I finally, after about 6 wks. of couch hopping, sleeping in garages, cars, etc. let her come stay with me until her apartment became available, it turned out to be longer than planned. I'm not sure I did the right thing in letting her stay, she respected me and my home while she was with me, but she is still in denial about her addictions, still acting like a 14 y.o. still not making any effect to see or get her 7y.o.daughter who her dad moved 4+hrs away while she was going through her homelessness. I could go on and on. What I've learned is we do what we feel we have to do, at that point in my life, I don't think I could have done anything differently. Today, I keep God really big in my life, work my program as best as I can, I know God is good and He is working in my kid's and grandkids lives. I've said a prayer for you and your family. I'm hightlyfavored.
__________________
Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
Reading your post made me think of the many layers in which this disease has affected my life. My Dad is the alcoholic and he suffers from untreated PTSD (Viet Nam vet), of which he inflicts upon my family. Our home was a very scary place and as a result I developed stress-related problems ie, asthma, generalized anxiety, depression, alcoholism. (I entered treatment in 1989 and have been sober for 22+ years.) My therapist once pointed out something that was crucial for my survival during those tough times which may be important for you to consider as well.
I spent every weekend with my grandmother from infancy until I turned 11. For most of those years my grandmother lived in the neighboring town. Going to her home was like a slice of heaven in contrast to Monday-Friday at my parents house. The funny thing is my grandmother did not really do anything BIG on the weekends. She always let me pick my favorite dinner for Friday nights (which was Chef Boyardee Ravioli) and Sunday dinner as well (Shake-and Bake BBQ chicken). We would play board games, work in her garden, or watch Mission Impossible. It was normal, peaceful, and it was a routine that I believe saved my life. Those weekends with my grandma gave me a relief valve. I am sure I would have committed suicide if I did not have those weekends with her. Please do not underestimate what you have to offer your grandchild even if you are not in a position to take custody of him. Thank God I did make it into treatment. But I know my case would have been so much worse if I did not have the shelter of my granmother's love, even if it was only on the weekends.
To this day my Dad is still an active alcoholic, however, I've achieved a bit of peace and serenity, and I know that my grandmother provided a base from which that peace and serenity could blossom. While I don't have any pearls of wisdom, know that you are in my prayers, for I know this is a very difficult time for you.
Thanks so much for your response. Just the act of typing it all out and posting it was somehow cathartic.
Blue Cloud, your share was most wonderful and touching. I'm glad to hear that you did have some kind of safe harbor in your young years. I know in my heart that my husband and I would be the saving grace for him as his mother continues to drink. I have been just praying and praying to my HP to give me some direction on how to handle this.
Thank you again for sharing such a personal experience.
