"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

stephaniej · Senior Member

Conundrum

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jackie! I can relate. Its hard because marriage, in my head, was about always relying on eachother and doing doing doing for eachother and, in the process, it was also about having some pretty high expectations on my husband and nagging him when he did not do it the way I wanted and fretting about everything I did not agree with. IT WAS EXHAUSTING!! Al-Anon has actually saved me because I can keep an open mind on this thing called marriage now. I don't think anyone is capable of having a cookie cutter marriage. Though, I hear what you say about the principles before your higher power, I think is what youre saying... but what the main foundation is is... LOVE. I was not showing my husband unconditional love at all. I had expectations, I had power struggles, I had my control issues. Now its live and let live for our relationship. I struggle at times. Just last night I was getting an attitude over something unnecessary. But I can catch myself now. Maybe Im off track here because you are talking about serious issues in which you actual pack up and move out. I did that the second time my husband relapsed. I moved back in after three weeks. Was it wrong that I did that? By whose standards? It was absolutely right for both myself and my husband's benefit. Maybe I have tossed out the rule book. It kind of feels liberating, like I burned my bra or something. HeHe. I dont know, Jackie. I know that you are awesome and really strong and you are working your program.

-- Edited by Michelle814 on Monday 13th of February 2012 10:50:12 AM

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm currently trying to wrap my brain around this... I got married last June. In marriage it's supposed to be about merging 2 lives, and making sacrifices for each other, loving each other and building a life.

Currently the series at church is on marriage, based directly off the book the blessed marriage. In my marriage I have the factor of a disease. I know I'm powerless over the disease and I have choices. I just can't seem to merge what the books says with the reality of living with an active A.

I learned not to complain about the small stuff before the first week was up in my marriage. I learned this because of the fact that the first 6 weeks were such hell.

Today, my life is so much more peaceful. The verbal garbage that was at one time so prevalent is now something that does not happen in the same way although I have a plan in place if it does happen. I have packed my things and said I was leaving twice in the past 6 weeks. Both time because of significant reasons, not just because he didn't put away dishes or some other piddly annoyance. So now my AH lives with the constant fear that I'm going to leave. This was not my intention.

I understand I need to work on my communication. I'm not trying to manipulate the situation. I simply feel completely at a loss for how to navigate thru this conundrum of how to make a marriage work, and at the same time protect myself from the disease.

Thank you

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

I didn't think about applying take what you like and leave the rest, thank you!!!

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

This may not be what you want to hear...but you won't know until you know. It's so hard, the uncertainty. Pray for clarity...it just may not come as quickly as you would like.

You don't have to decide by the end of today, or tomorrow, or even next week. When in doubt, don't. Support yourself as you would a friend who is dealing with uncertainty. There's some saying my mother uses like "Patience is doing something else in the meantime" Clarity will come, but on it's own time.

oh, and btw, conundrums stink. wink

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Your conundrum seems to be a difference of opinon between your church beliefs, and your personal recovery beliefs, is that right?

I stayed in my marriage for 26 years, mostly from the fear of my childhood religious beliefs. Step two is about me coming to believe in a higher power that I can work with. I went to many, many meetings and I listened with an open mind. I eventually found a higher power that made sense to me. The conundrum I find myself in now, is whether or not I am in self-will or HIgher power's will. All shall be revealed... in God's timing. Waiting is sometimes the hardest part of recovery.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad Lee, yes you are right.

I'm learning patience aww

Thank you!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Someone recently shared to see the time of patience as preparation time. Sometimes we just aren't ready to hear what HP has to say OR He has His own time .. lol .. and it's not our time. So I find instead of getting impatient I am looking at things as preparation time. I'm being prepared to take the next step in my own healing. Taking what you like is a big thing too. There is no one set of rules that applies to everything around us.

Hugs P :)

danni · Senior Member

Just because your husband is choosing to live in fear of your leaving, doesn't need to reflect on you at all. You chose to set boundries. What he does or feels about them is his business. I have had to redefine what marriage and closeness meant to me when I realized my AH and I had to relearn and recreate how we would be interacting together. This has taken time and left gaps of closeness at times, but it is moving forward. I think you're doing great. If we continue to take it One Day at a Time, do our best, start over when we slip, I really believe all questions, in their own time, will gently get answered. Sending you support!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Jackie , you dont say if your attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself I hope you consider doing so in the near future .. Living with an alcoholic the rules change on a reg basis so expecting the same considerations with a sober person is unrealistic and very frustrating. Al-Anon prints some great books on communication Dilema of the Alcoholic marriage is awsome , your not alone in trying to communicate with a spouse who just dosent think clearly . God and Al-Anon work great together but if your not sharring with people who are living with the same problems (alcoholism ) they just dont understand where your comming from . please find help for yourself from people who understand exactly where your at . Louise

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you everyone!

@ Louise, yes I attend F2F meetings with a group that includes long time members who are wonderful!!! I also have just started working with my sponsor.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Jackie.. this conundrum you are facing is the epitomy of why it's typically not a good idea to go to non-addiction trained marriage counselors, when there is addiction involved. Some of what we learn is consistent across both addictions/non-addictions - much of it is not. The concepts and practices of trust, good communication, etc - have been eradicated, when there is addictions involved. I have heard well meaning, but non-addictions trained counselors, pastors, etc - give advice such as "why don't you cut him a little more slack", or even "why not have a glass of wine with him", when it comes to so-called "normal" communication and relationships.

Addiction muddies the waters, to the point where traditional communication counselling is not all that relevant.

Tom

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

@ Tom, thank you!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to go to 2 counselors and a Pastor for sessions and get their okay about my divorce and even needed more time after that to wrap my head around that it was okay to end my marriage. It is hard when almost everything you hear is against it. You will know either way what is being true to you! Keep working a good program!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"