The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It was a rough weekend, .. I'm glad I had the kids. They kept me busy and we had a good time. I don't know why .. no, ... I do know why it was so hard. I just felt really emotionally raw. It was one simple text, nothing bad, nothing mean, just him reaching out. I am so angry at myself for it meaning so much to me. It shouldn't, because what I see and what was meant by it are two different things.
It's hard to put 16 years on a shelf and pretend that even the good times didn't happen.
There's a part of me that doesn't want to let go and a part of me screaming that I have to, then there's the Queen of Hearts that is screaming off with his head (the smaller of two is the one I'm referring to, .. opps .. my nonalanon moment I guess ). 2 weeks and 2 days (hey I'm moving up .. we're into weeks instead of days .. lol) I can give myself permission to still mourn what is going on. I'm not wallowing though and that's a plus. I do mourn, .. there is so much I didn't get.
It's me causing me pain right now, it's me that is playing the old tapes, and it's me that is growing and trying to get right in my own skin. Now if I could just get out of my own way and let HP do what He needs to do that would be a plus.
Anyway, things are ok. Today is Monday and I'm grateful for that, my house is coming into order (I'm so excited that people can come over and use the bathroom even!! This means I'm letting people in, which is pretty big for me). I listened to a speaker who said as a child he was so lonely and he would make a tent and stick a sign that said "keep out" and wonder why he was all alone. He continued the pattern into adulthood. That really struck me as to what I have been doing with my house. I've had a big DO NOT ENTER sign on it and it's been in the form of my clutter. All because I don't want to be hurt. I hurt me worse than anyone else. I allowed bad behavior, I looked the other way when I knew something was off, even though I asked the right questions I didn't pursue it and just end it sooner. I did that part of things. He certainly owns his own part in this however .. those things I did to myself.
The chaos is lessening, I'm trying not to obsess about what he's doing or not doing and who he's seeing or not seeing. It doesn't mean I don't wonder or even don't have some of those answers.
I'm really working on leaving it alone, and I think I need a little more space at this point. The next two weeks we will be together more than we have been in recent months. That is partly the timing of everything and how things have gone down. I will get through it though, thank goodness for alanon and this board or I would be a sheer mess. I'm only a partial mess .. lol .. that's pretty good I think considering.
Anyway, thanks for letting me share this early AM.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
The part about the Do Not Enter Sign, reminds me of how animals respond to pain. They lash out when you try to help because they don't understand that why the pain may be temporarily worse in the long run it's going to help them get better...
This pain hurts, and walking through it hurts, but there will be a time down the road when you are able to look back and think WOW!!!
I like that metaphor of the tent with the keep out sign on it then he wondered why he's alone, too. I know you heard that elsewhere, but, you have a real nice way of painting a picture with words when you write. I like it because my mind works in visuals and pictures like that. (off with his head.. I can see it when you write it out.) This may really be a healthy way for you to express your emotions, to write about them. I feel this way. I like to write it out. This is why I am so thankful for this board because I communicate better through writing than talking so when I write on here I feel a whole world's better afterwards usually. It really is so awesome that we have this board. THANKS, JOHN, FOR STARTING IT. He is so humble too. Hehe. Pushka, you are right there in it and feeling it and I think that is crucial for your recovery. You aren't sweeping it under the rug. We're here for you in the virtual world with ESH, okay!?
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I am so glad that you have program, recovery, your higher power, this board and an acute awareness of what you are thinking and feeling to help you right now. Despite the pain, you continue to move forward and take amazing care of yourself. Thinking of you and sending you support, understanding and courage. BIG HUG.
). 2 weeks and 2 days (hey I'm moving up .. we're into weeks instead of days .. lol) I can give myself permission to still mourn what is going on. I'm not wallowing though and that's a plus. I do mourn, .. there is so much I didn't get.