Just how anonymous is the meeting supposed to be? - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Just how anonymous is the meeting supposed to be?

Mickki · Newbie

HI there. I have encountered a situation going on with the group I call my home group and I need some input. I have not seen anything like I am encountering in all the posts.

Found alanon just when I needed it. I have been in al anon for about 18 months and have been pretty consistant in my weekly meetings. But when I first started, I was not sure this was for me and I missed the weekly meeting for about a month or two. During this time, one old time (21 yrs) member of the group started calling me a home (!!!) , asking about my AD and how things were at home and if I were doing all the readings. and asking if I were coming back to the group. I was annoyed - I thought my phone number was private - but I kept it courtesous and kept the discussion to a minimun. As I said, I was new but I felt bothered by the call. I never said anything to her the next time I saw her. This member moved away for about 6 months (I never reached out to her) but now she is back. Now she is showing up 30 minutes late to the meetings with all kind of excuses and makes a big entrance. Last night after the meeting ( she was again late to ), I looked around and saw that there was more then enough people to help with the room breakdown so I said good night to all and left. When I arrived home, there was a phone message for me from her, asking if everything was alright, as I had left so suddenly. I did not return her call. She called again this morning,same question.

I dont have a sponsor yet as I dont feel like I can click with anyone at my home meeting. I do go to other meetings, seeing how they are and possibly looking for a sponsor. SO, is it me? Am I missing something here? Are group members allowed to look over the sign in page and copy phone numbers down? I don't need new friends, I need a group that I can pour my heart out to and not stand in judgement. I know I am falwed, but I really feel this is not correct Al Anon behavior.

Much thanks!!!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Generally, we leave it up to newcomers to call oldtimers and not the other way around. This is for the exact reason you are stating. Alanon, AA, and other 12 step groups are built upon people receiving help and suggestions "When they ask for it" and "When they seek it." Yes, it is the old-timers job to carry the message - but that does not mean cramming the message down someone's throat.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((mickki))) Welcome to MIP! I can't answer your question as I have never been to a F2F alanon meeting. There are none where I live or believe me, I would be there in a heartbeat! This is just my opinion- but it seems to me that this woman was/is reaching out to you in a supportive manner. Yes, it is important to have a group that you can express your feelings with and pour your heart out. But maybe a new friend that you could do that with would be helpful as well. By the way, you are always welcome to pour your heart out here among others who understand. Please keep coming back.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

At the meetings that I go to in my city we don't have sign in sheets either. What is it's purpose? We go around the table and introduce ourselves by our first name only and that is our sign in. At the district meetings and info services meeting that I go to there IS a sign in sheets. But that is a whole different ballgame than a neighborhood meeting. Keep showing up and refuse to sign in. Maybe some of the other ones will follow your lead.

wp · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm surprised that you resented the call in the first place. It wasn't unusual in my home group for a member to call and just chat a bit and I took it as support. wp

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

If it were me.. I would not appreciate a non solicited phone call.
Why is there a sign in sheet? Do you have to be present 80% of the time to get a pass mark??
I wouldnt' sign in either.. defiant little person I am though.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I suspect the lady cares that your okay , and I feel if a phone number is on the list that it is okay to call and inquire about how someone is doing . We in my group often choose someone to call new members to see how they are doing .* we do ask newcommers if they would mind * It is okay to remove your phone number from the list if you are uncomfortable with it being there. today we have choices . Anonymous to me means outside of our group .A friend describes it this way , I dont care who you tell you were at the monday meeting , just dont tell them you saw me there .. just my opinion . Louise

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Every group is autonomous, so the reasons behind a sign-up sheet and listing of phone numbers are going to be different. Although, it might be worthwhile to ask "why" to the signup sheet there so you understand why you're putting your name and contact info down, and if its for the purpose of making you easy to contact and you don't feel comfortable with it, you might ask to have your information removed.

At every group I've been a part of where they passed a signup sheet around it was clearly communicated to me that the signup sheet was there if I wished to share my contact information and have it available to other members seeking help.

I do suspect the woman probably was calling to try to be helpful, but you're right - if you'd known that the signup sheet was for that purpose, it might not have been such a surprise to you to receive the call. Her recent back-to-back contacts, however, sound a bit intrusive and she's probably not doing too well and looking outside of herself for answers to her personal discomfort. OR, she just may be feeling really down and doing what my sponsor suggests of me - call someone else and see how they're doing to get outside of my crazy-train ride my head might be trying to take me on. So, for good or ill, she may just be trying to distract herself from herself.

We're all practicing our recovery every day - no matter how long we've been in the program. I've seen some old-timers who seem just as out of sorts as a fresh new-comer, so time in the program doesn't equate a healthier person.

I agree - if you're uncomfortable with her contact, you may consider letting her know. Another growth opportunity (oh joy!).

-- Edited by Aloha on Monday 13th of February 2012 09:17:21 PM

respect · Veteran Member

Hi Mickki,
I am very surprised by everyones response here. I too would be bothered by this. I only want to think or talk about my mess of a life when I want to talk about it. I don't want anyone calling me to bring it up.

It would have been different if she had just called once to let you know she would be there for you if you need an ear.

Unfortunatly, I think you'll have to confront her privately on this. Maybe just tell her you appreciate that she seems concerned about you but you'd rather leave that part of you at the meetings. Maybe even tell her that if you ever do need to talk you will call her. It will be awkward but seems like it might be necessary.

Good luck.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like she may want a connection with you. I would just be gentle and say what you mean, mean what you say but not say it mean to her about how you feel. Keep taking care fo yourself!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.