The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I would like to introduce myself and tell my story. I am Emil. It seems like I have living with a family member with addiction issues all of my life. The stories are different, but the feelings are similar. I grew up in a large family; my Dad died when I was a young girl; after a year or two my Mom started drinking beer every night. During high school, I never knew when the beer would change her mood. After drinking several beers, and as the evening grew late, her temper grew as well. She became verbally and physically abusive. The next day it was if nothing ever happened. It left me confused and ready to take the blame. If only I had.......
I married a man that started out drinking as most young people do and then began binge drinking. At the end of social events he was completely intoxicated and I would drive home. So. many events and special occasions and holidays were ruined. He started mixing beer and pain killers. One night we had an upsetting visit to the ER due to an afternoon of his drinking. After that night, he started "out patient rehab"; and seemed to do well for a year. I was doing well at my meetings and was able to communicate better in all my relationships.
I was beyond upset when I found out after his one year of not drinking, that he started drinking again. ( He started right before his sister died from cancer) I stayed with my meetings and worked my program.
When the second time occurred ( a few months later) I was able to detach with love. i understood that this was not happening because he did not love me or that If I had done anything differently it would not have changed the outcome.
Then this fall when I believed he had stopped drinking for over a year; I was shocked to find out he had been sneaking and lying. I think I knew in my gut, but I was in complete denial. I wasn't actively working my program and took it quite hard. I need to go back and work the steps. I feel lost and living in constant "what ifs." He is not drinking at the moment because he is recovering from surgery, but I constantly worry about when he starts feeling better. I lost the skill to live in the moment and I have drifted off the path of "Let Go and Let God."
We have two major events coming up for our adult children, I am afraid that he will ruin the events before, after, or during. I feel cranky most of the time and forgot what it feels like to feel that inner peace. I have so much resentment and anger. My trust level is completely diminished. I know I have the resources and tools, it is just a matter of getting back to program. Right now, I feel lost and alone. That is my story . Thanks, Emil
Mahalo Emil and welcome to the board...along with your program this is an exellent support group for your recovery. I'd like to believe that I can stay on top of my program all of the time however that is fantasy and I have come to accept that the program is worked actively. There were times that he drank and you continued to act as if he wasn't because you were not checking up on him and and minding your own business. Amazing how that part of detachment works...when I stayed out of her business I was weller off for it. I don't think you moved off to far from what is the proper way to work it just don't let your "slip" cause you too overly doubt what you can do best. Keep coming back and again welcome. ((((hugs))))
Hello Emil and welcome to the board - I sat here reading and nodding my head at the "ruining of special events" part. How much pain comes with every time another supposed to be fun time was ruined because of the substance - to the point that you dread any upcoming events because you KNOW how they will probably turn out; then you get accused of being a party pooper because you aren't happy to be going out (cain't win eh?). I hope the board helps you feel not so lost and alone. In the beginning of my journey here, sometimes I would wake in the mid of the night with my mind in turmoil and with my laptop on the bed beside me, I'd come here and just read and find peace enough to go back to sleep. This board is a great example of how the internet can be a wonderful thing, bringing people from all walks of life together to share some commonality. Cheers!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Emil, so much of your story is familiar to me, and to many others I'm sure. My A managed to go six months without drinking. That was a year and a half ago. Since then he's been drinking even more. It's terribly hard to live with and I don't know how I would do it if it weren't for this board, online meetings, and alanon literature. I've learned so much. It's still hard and sad at times. But I'm much better now at focusing on and taking care of myself in spite of A's drinking. I hope you get back on your program of recovery. And I hope you keep posting here. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you so much for your answers. I hope others will write as well. Can I go to an online meeting through this site? I wish I could enjoy the times when he is not sneaking and lying, but I seem to be living waiting for the other boot to hit me in the head. I have been blindsided so many times. I know that if he choices to drink at our upcoming events that he will need to be responsible for the ramification of their relationships. I have mirco-managed for so long that i tend to take the brunt of most things. This attitude carries over in my other relationships because I tend to fear if someone is disappointed in me or upset with me. I don't really have a true sense of my self at the moment. I am back to that old feeling of living off how other people feel and I am so easily intiminated. I have so much work to do that I feel overwhelmed. I hope I can do it.
Hi Emil Glad that you took the time to iintroduce yourself. Yes we have daily on-line meeetings here in the chat room 2xs a day and a 25/7 open chat. Just click on that chat room section at the top of the message board.
Returning to meetings will restore your true self and help you find the middle road
Welcome to MIP. I just wanted to say hi and send you love and support as you continue with your journey here on MIP.
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi Emil!! Welcome to MIP. My husband, also, lied to me for at least a year, as he swirled in his tornado of an addiction. Looking back I don't know how I did not know. All I can say is that, I guess, I really trusted he would never lie to me. Al-Anon has been the saving grace for me. I was a mess before I entered the rooms. The best thing is you will be welcomed back with no questions asked. Everyone is on their own path. I think its great you are making the decision to better your well being by coming back into al-anon. Hope I keep seeing you around this board.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Well, I took the first step on the path to recovery. I remember that feeling of serenity and feeling healthy, I need to feel that again. I remember feeling it was possible to love him in spite of his addiction. I think not working on my program and not taking care for myself might be the reason I am feeling so cranky and angry.
I am in the middle of helping him recover from a hip replacement and I find myself not having the same level of tolerance that I did five years ago when he had the other hip done. I suppose in some ways I resent taking care of him because of the lying and sneaking that went on up until October. I need to stop thinking of all the pass hurt feelings and sadness and move on. I still harbor resentment that he was not there for me when my mother died. My mother died five years ago. She had broke her hip two days before his first hip replacement. They were in different hospital at the same time. My mother had 7 operations befoe she passed away. For three months he did not drink at all,( becaue of his hip), but the night before the wake he drank so much. For some reason this recent hip placement seems to bring back those old hurtful feelings of facing everything alone. I always thought he would be there for me during difficult times, but when she died it seemed like he just wiped his hands and just went on. I have a therapy meeting scheduled for this week and I think that will help. Ok thanks for listening.
Thank you for sharing. Your message is giving me the strength I need to launch my own journey. Bless you, I can relate to the crankiness you describe. I have spent the last three days bound up in anger and hostility, finally reaching the place where I realize I can no longer go on fighting... and trying to find peace on my own.
