The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's rough to be torn in so many directions with people we love and keep sane. In my humble opinion, a marriage, divorce, separation is the business of the two who took the vows. You sound like you clearly know what you want. You have a right to choose what's best for your life. If your family isn't in recovery, it's difficult for them to understand what you already know - that people can change, do recover and in partnership with a loving higher power can stay recovered. It sounds like you have a loving family who wants the best for you.
We know that Alanon has no opinion on staying with alcoholics or leaving them. That's a very personal decision. The exception is when someone is living in a violent/dangerous situation. In such cases, keeping children and yourself safe is the responsible thing to do and is strongly suggested.
More meetings and program calls usually help me when a crisis arises and leaning on my higher power for guidance. Thank goodness for Alanon and learning about boundaries. Saying what we mean, meaning what we say and not saying it mean is such a great program tool for staying true to ourselves and keeping our serenity. Also, I find when I'm practicing that I find it easier not to let pride stand in my way concerning other people. If I feel I want to, I can make the first move to communicate, to make a short phone call, to say I miss you, I love you just wanted you to know. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 12th of February 2012 12:09:21 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
It is wonderful that HE is working a program of recovery.
I get blown about by the wind, and I lose my ability to be the author of my own life..... when I am not regularly attending meetings and doing ALL the things that help ME keep my emotional sobriety. Others no longer get to make decisions for me today.... but when I forget that, life will start feeling unmanageable and I will notice that "I" am not active in my own recovery. It only takes a day or two for me.... and I am RIGHT BACK in unmanageability-mode.
You are powerless over your family's disease of wanting to control you. Control freaks are everywhere, it's up to ME whether or not I give anyone any power and MAKE THEM my Higher power. I need to keep myself parked in the middle of the fellowship to help me see this stuff. For some reason, I just can't see it on my own.
We get to create our own reality, my friend. ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 12th of February 2012 12:19:26 PM
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 12th of February 2012 08:42:55 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
This isn't about an ultimatum to my AH but rather one my own family seems to be giving me. Long story short - AH's alcoholism hit a crisis point last summer. We got separated and he lost his job which is obviously bad news. After a 2 week stint in patient rehab and working an AA program and a good sponsor, he has remained sober since, 5+ months. I'm not excusing any of what happened and try to refrain from worrying about the future, but so far he is doing well considering where he was 6 months ago.
I made a decision to separate and not divorce - at least not yet. He sees me and our son on weekends. He is a loving dad and while I'm not shying away from the destruction his drinking caused, I still love the him and am happy he is doing well in sobriety.
My family (parents & sister) and I have always been close. Unfortunatley, as alcoholism is a family disease, this is ripping me apart from them. I am trying to do my best - which means that at this point, I cannot live with AH but so long as he is sober I am not kicking him out of my life. They are completely unwilling to accept this and while they acknowledge that he sees our child, they have been bombarding me with images of doom if I keep him in my life. It has gotten to the point where every conversation with my mom is about how awful he is and how I should be trying to getting married again to someone else.
Last week, after my mother made a particularly outlandish comment in an attempt to scare me, I calmly said "I have to go now." Well she hasn't called me since. Maybe that's not so bad, but basically I feel there is a constant ultimatum over my head, eg "it's him or us." Frankly, I am not ready to cut him off yet. I don't want to lose them either. I miss my mom and I don't want my relationship with my family to end. But I'm afraid it may come to that. I don't know how to deal with any of this. AH still has a long way to go if and when he reaches a true place of serenity. I have enough on my plate dealing with that.
I know my family is coming from a place of fear for me and can't blame them. They love me but they have demonized AH to a point where they feel they need to scare me into staying away from him or else. I feel stuck but this is where I am right now. Even though I'm an adult I still feel I need their approval and don't want to be cut off from them. This is just very overwhelming.
To thy own self be true. I really believe that statement .. if you are coming from a place of keeping your side of the street clean and you are not doing spiteful, disrespectful things while things may not workout the way we have in mind. I find in my own limited thinking that HP really provides me with what I really need and yes, sometimes it is painful however the outcome is so much better than I could have imagined. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
Hang in there you are working your program and that's the best any of us can do one day at a time.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have someone in my life, not a friend, more of a pot stirrer - he seems to seek me out at times to give me details about what mr ex is doing - always saying things like, I didn't mean to upset you, once he manages to push until I am upset. I have decided that next time he starts I am going to raise my hand and say "STOP, I do not want to hear anything about what "he" is doing, change the subject or I'm leaving". My 1st ex MIL sometimes wants to butt into her son's business with me and I have to tell her that it is between he and I, and I won't discuss it with her. I am an "avoid conflict at all costs" type of person (smile, no comment, walk away, seethe later) but am seeking the strength to start telling people that whatever the topic, is none of their business.
Echoing Glad Lee's post - what is proving interesting to me is that you can switch the word alcohol with other words in step one and for me, bring a whole new understanding to a particular situation. (I am not powerless over alcohol, I am powerless of mr ex's choice to consume it) I am powerless over my 1st ex mil's efforts to control things - what CAN I control with her? I can control me and what I am willing to discuss with her. I find myself using step one in a lot of ways to recognize just where I can do something and when I cannot.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
That sounds pretty difficult. I guess just try to remember where your mom is coming from since you can't change her. She is desperately afraid for your security and future. She can't control her anxiety so she is trying to control you. Still - I can understand that there is only so much you can take... No easy answers and empathy for all parties doesn't fix the situation when you are hearing this stuff from your mom for the 2349234028342039482th time.
I guess it could also help to put some of the honus on your husband (not in a mean way though). These are also his ammends to make. You don't have to apologize or own his behaviors. That is also part of your recovery. One day, it will be your husbands job to make amends to your family for causing them to worry about you like this. That is something that is his responsibility and if he gets that far in his stepwork, he will need to make that ammends. Remembering that might help you stop clinging to guilt or like you are responsible for "righting" everything about this situation. The combo of him and the disease of substance abuse caused 90 percent of the mess here. It's enough to own what actually IS your part without taking on what is not.
Ask your parents to respect your decission to continue the relationship , and your right they only want you to be happy but this is your life , your choice .. I found the best way to not get family involved is to not discuss what is going on in our home and when they choose to discredit him ask them to stop , your son is possibly hearing some of the comments that are being made ,not a good thing.
this sounds very painful. I guess we can apply one day at a time in how we look at our relationships with our qualifier AND everyone else in our lives. For today, you're not speaking with your mom, but we don't know that means the relationship with your family is gone for good...We have program. We have learned to not let fear run our lives. Your family doesn't have that. I love how I can apply all the things I have learned in dealing with my AH to others when needed. Detatchment, Live and Let Live, boundries, Let Go and Let God...you know where I'm going with this. When I feel pressure from (from myself usually, but it can apply to others in your case) I have found that writing a pros and cons list of why I choose to stay with my AH (or not divorce, for today, for you) very helpful. Only we can know what is right for us...I just heard at a meeting how destructive well meaning, but bad advice can be. Stay strong. You're doing great.
TT