Vulnerable post here - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Vulnerable post here

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Since I haven't lived with him for almost 2 years and my divorce was final in July I have gone over and hung out with my exAH a few times and I admonish myself each time and my sponsor never tells me not to do it, but asks what I get from it. I have been looking at it like this. I think i would be dating already if I totally broke loose and why wouldn't I since I know I can't live with him. But I feel I am not breaking any moral codes in my book going back to my exhubby. We get along fine and yes he is sick and I could not live with him.

I am trying to hold off of dating until I finish my first set of the 12 steps. I am on step 6 and working here it and with my sponsor. I do feel like it is another form of my self sabotage and lack of discipline mixed with codependency. I actually stopped altogether in the begining, but I was playing with fire else where. Then I went a few months since, but another unhealthy guy was showing me interest and I ran back for a fix from my ex rather than look at that. I know there are other choices that I am not really looking at. Can anyone else relate at all to this? My exAH and I have this terrible cycle and have been on and off for 16 years and I am not proud of it.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I cannot relate really but I love how you dig deep inside yourself. It sounds like you're sponsor and you have a great relationship and it seems like you are acquiring some amazing self awareness. I love hearing about your program because you work such a good one. I think, like most decisions, when you're ready to make the choice it will come easy. at least that is how it seems to work for me. keep your head high!

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

You have 16 years and 2 babies between you, that is no small thing!!

I have a shirt from college that has a quote on the back it says "I knew I would look back on the good times and cry, but I never knew I would look back on the bad times and laugh."

Obviously if it was off and on for so long there is a connection and that is hard to break.

Before I got married I was always told you have to be happy with you before you can be happy with anyone else. Truly when I got married I thought I had reached a place of happiness with myself. Then I realized I had married someone who has the disease that I am powerless over. I started working on changing what I could change, me.

In times when I'm doing something that I know is playing with fire, or afterwards when I'm nursing the burn, I reflect on why and then what will I change.

Seems to me that you are right now questioning the why and the natural next step is to make the change, with you. What can you change so that you no longer have this need to play with that particular fire?

Sending you hugs and support on your journey!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Ohhh BF, yes I can so relate .. if you don't mind I'm going to PM you.

Hugs and sending so much love and support, P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Do you watch the Bachelor? I was so sad to see this beautiful girl so mixed up. Her boyfriend is not into marriage but she is in love with him.

she came on the show becuz she knew this guy wanted what she did, marriage kids etc. But she clearly was not ready.

But as she talks she is acting as if she HAS to find someone NOW. but I have to start all over again, ugh

I wanted to tell her to go back to school, go skiing, go build your confidence.

YOu are doing great and you are very wise to go slow and get yourself more healed up before a new relationship.

We are ready to leave the A when we are. Believe me it hurts lots less. for me the first time was real bad, real bad.

but every time was easier.

Its all a process it really is. hugs! debilyn

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

this stuff can be mentally exhausting.. keep it simple and be gentle with you!!! words from the wise ones.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have done pretty much the same thing, only maybe more so. I liken it to the way alcoholics keep going back to spend one more night at the bar. Or maybe they try some drugs (for us, that would be another dysfunctional man), but then they go back to alcohol. My therapist said, "Sometimes you have to touch the stove one more time to see if it's really hot."

Each time I went back I thought I was stronger and could be around him without getting sucked into the insanity. Sometimes that was true -- at first.

But it sounds as if you're limiting your exposure. Keep on taking good care of yourself.

Ariel · Veteran Member

Debilyn! I cried when I saw that poor girl on the Bachelor!!! I could so closely relate to her. It summed up most of us in relationships with A's feel.

I've gone back when my ABF & I have broken up & it has been out of love, history, loneliness, and vulnerability. Each time I've been sucked right back in. I wish I could go back and use that time to make boundaries & take personal inventory. Do what you really feel deep down is right, take it day by day, and learn from your regrets. Hind sight is good learning.

Hugs:)

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