The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
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level.
I am feeling really strong right now because I have created a boundary and plan to stick with it. A little background: AH got arrested DUI, moved to parents house, went to rehab and did really well and we had made a recovery and reconciliation plan, got out of rehab and his parents have been enabling him since helping him defend his charge and accusing the police of wrongdoing, now he is drinking again and has leased an apartment. Ok now to my boundary, we have three kids and I had told AH, with the advice of my counselor, that he is not going to be allowed to keep the kids in his apartment unsupervised if at all. I feel good setting this boundary for 3 reasons. The first is that he is drinking again and my children are not safe with him. Second, I feel like I am enabling him by making it emotionally easier for him to continue this alcoholic bachelor lifestyle. He is still in the court process with this DUI and continues to drink and drive! Third is that well he left his family to live this lifestyle rather than seek recovery and reconciliation of his marriage. So I am not going to bring his family to him. I sort of feel bad that my kids arent seeing their father but I feel like I am making the best choice for every one involved. I just wanted to share my story and how empowered I feel by setting this boundary and sticking to it. This has been a struggle for me. It has been hard to follow through after I make a threat. So I am feeling good! :)
I salute you for placing the safety of your children as a first priority.
I do hope you have found alanon Face to face meetings in your community. you deserve support from those who understand as few others can. Attending meetings, breaking the isolation, developing new tools to live by enabled me to recover from the devastation of living with this disease
"Second, I feel like I am enabling him by making it emotionally easier for him to continue this alcoholic bachelor lifestyle"
How are you handling this? What are your feelings about him doing this?
I'm so glad I found your post-this is the #1 thing I struggle with. It angers me so much that it has been the most influential factor in letting my ABF stay around, even though I'm very unhappy.
Good for you - you sound very strong and wise & doing very well in your progress!:)
I truly hope you will find face to face meetings in your area just for the simple fact that you DO deserve to be supported and the DUI process can be a LONG one depending on the lawyer, state and so on. 1 1/2 years and it's still going on. Finally went to court, finally have some conclusion, .. far from over at this point.
Without the alanon group I have I don't know how in the world I would have made it .. I'm so dang grateful for them and what they offer in support, wisdom, love and acceptance.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hotrod, f2f meetings have been a challenge since I am a single mom of three kids.
Ariel, It is tough and I am very close to filing for a divorce. I am very disappointed in him. I am sad that my marriage has come to this. I feel hurt that he has chosen this over his family. But I am trying to be strong and tell myself that my children and I deserve better than this. My concern with filing for a divorce is him having standard visitation and there not being anything I can do about it. Part of me wants to just stay married but move on as if I am not. But my morals wont let me do that.
Pushka, he goes to court next week and I hope they completely throw the book at him. He is in law enforcement and I hope he has severe repurcussions there too. I hope he is mandated to go to rehab! But then again his parents will just keep enabling him so it really does not matter and I cannot control any of this. Cannot control the AH, the enabling parents, the court system, any of it. I just need to figure out what I am going to do. Honestly, I am so looking forward to being with some one who isnt in love with alcohol and is emotionally available unlike the AH.
II hope you can find face to face Al-anon meetings, they helped me so much and some offer child care. You sound strong and like you are taking care of your kiddos good job! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Welcome, Emmy! I also recommend face to face al-anon meetings. My mother in law goes to the same home group as I do and its very beneficial because we can talk about things and she is learning, just as I am too. I don't know what kind of relationship you have wit his parents but it's a thought that you could end any arguing and attempt to work together to help your A. Keep coming back on here, though, and keep us posted.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Ohhhh, Emmy! *hug hug* I've been there with the arrest issue and feel your frustration. Just remember that no matter what, most importantly, you're doing what you have to do for YOU, and your children. And I'm sending you big hugs and support right now! It's so difficult to watch other people as they continue to enable your loved one when you are at the point where you know it's not something you can stand behind any more, but it takes such courage to stand true to your convictions and to hold firm to what you feel is the right decision for you. Not only am I glad you're here on the board with people who care, I'm glad we've all found you too. Another hug to you!
