Michelle! you make it sound like you have some special behavior patterns the rest of us don't have. You are not special, sweetie.

Well, you are, actually..... you're special like the rest of us, lol

Easy does it, my friend, you are okay. We recover on God's time, not our own. God brings the experiences which usually trigger enough pain in me to the point where I have no choice but to take a look at it. The experiences came up in the past, I just wasn't ready to see it (when the student is ready....) It will come up again and again, until I wake up! Or not. I always have choices.

The awakenings don't come from book knowledge but from the experiences themselves, the opportunity for me to practice something different. This is why, when I get a resentment, I grab my paper and start an inventory... how else can I see my behavior patterns?? How else can I grow?

Today, I have a spiritual kit that has been placed at my feet, the 12 steps. Halleluia, I never had any guidance before, and I no longer have to suffer!! My day starts like Betty's does, with steps 1-3 - they are the foundation for the day.



Note: I encourage you to make your sponsor aware that you are using the internet for recovery. For me, I had to be honest with both my sponsors about it. My first sponsor was adamantly opposed to it, she feared internet misinformation and isolation, she wanted me to experience the healing first-hand, in our community.

My current sponsor expressed concern about the addictive nature of the internet, to make sure I ONLY use it as a supplement to recovery and to NEVER use it as a complete form of service, which I don't, I talk often with 2 sponsees, chair meetings regularly, and meet with fellowship members, often after meetings. I also talk with my sponsor waaay more than I post here, she's the one who needs to know everything about me and what I'm thinking.

See what your sponsor suggests for you. And as always, please take what you like and leave the rest. ((hugs))

-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 10th of February 2012 02:51:41 PM

-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 10th of February 2012 02:58:43 PM

Dear Michele

Michelle, I so get this. After being in Alanon for over 6 months, and in therapy for almost three years my therapist finally said to me the other day "You still don't believe he is an addict, do you?" and WOW, hit me like a ton of bricks. I kept trying to rationalize his behavior, he is sad, he is angry, he just needs to find his purpose and he could be okay.....blah blah blah, all the stuff I tell myself that makes it seems less awful. She stated plainly that that was my co-dependent brain in full capacity. I realized in that moment I really hadn't admitted he was powerless and that more importantly, I was powerless over his addiction. I am still wrapping my brain around it. How strange that after working on this I still haven't gotten past step 1. Keep working on it, we are all working on it, You sound like you are very self aware and headed in the right direction. Hugs and prayers.... :)

doing the best I can with what I've got.

-- Edited by Michelle814 on Friday 10th of February 2012 07:41:21 PM

This so hit home with me today, Michelle!! Both 1 A-N-D 2! Thanks for always being so willing to post your feelings, because someone can always relate to it! We're with you! *big hug*

I admire your honesty Michelle....so much! By you being so honest you have really helped me I want you to know. I am so codependant too! Be gentle with yourself. You are here in this place for a reason and everything has it's perfect timing :) There was a time when I was in therapy and I was working so so so hard on getting better and I was just physically exhausted and my therapist told me that I was working way to hard and I needed to be easy on myself so I went out and took myself to lunch and to the movies. I love what Breakingfree said about rolling in the dandelions....I rolled down lots of hills when I was a kid. You sure are a miracle in progress. Keep posting! Hugs!

Codependency can work in your favor at times. Being a people pleaser sometimes pays off at work. I quit smoking so that more guys would date me lol.

It's okay, BF, I know for a fact I only dated sick men and then I married one. I say he's the best alcoholic I could have ended up with, which is true. But what I have learned in al-anon is so precious: I have to work on ME!

I don't feel ashamed of my co-dependent nature. I just have to remind myself of it so I don't fall into old patterns. I have the knowledge of where it came from in my childhood. I feel I can readily accept it when I admit to it and that is what I was doing in this post. I am very grateful for this board, it has given me a place to really express myself and also a place to tap into others' programs and how they work for them. Its interesting to see how others work their programs. Its a blizzard where I am at now but this board is here.