Solutions? - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Solutions?

Ariel · Veteran Member

I am in need of some friendly advice. I am doing all of the things it says in "Keeping Them Sober." I am detaching, not arguing, walking away, not letting him hook me in, taking more, doing nice things for myself, and *trying* not to get preoccupied with my ABF. It's really difficult. I told him no drinking at home, and that he is free to do whatever he likes, it's his problem. Saturday he binged at a friends from 1 pm to 6 am. I called him because (I think) the neighborhood kids were banging on my windows and doors. I called the police, I know I heard it, and the person on the 911 call could hear it, and I know that it was probably kids, but I was scared. He didn't answer for 3 calls, and when he did, he yelled at me because he thought I should answer the door. He went on and on...just to protect his drinking time. When he got home the next day I just ignored him. He didn't apologize, but brought out his nice side. Monday and Tuesday he didn't drink b/c he doesn't have money, but also b/c I told him no drinking at home. The Mon & Tues daytimes were the WORST. He was singing at the top of his lungs all day, rapping, he was making jabs every 3 minutes, talking like a different person, all surfacey like an actor or something - just TOTALLY erratic and insane. He kept calling himself a "slave," and saying, "yes, Master," and "whatever you want, you are the queen." This is the hardest for me to live with. Nothing in my life is serious, it's all insane, weird, joking, erratic insanity. We have broken up because of it. So yesterday (Wed) he just said he was leaving to have 1 beer at the neighbors. He left at 8 pm and woke me up at 1 am when he started going through my purse. When I woke up I was not happy, and he started yelling, etc., making jabs. Today he is being his nice self, but 1/2 the day has been the stupid jabs. It is only the day after a binge, and these are usually fine, but after 1-2 days he builds up to it and uses me to give him an excuse. My dilemma is that I don't know what actions to take. I have spoken to his family about an Intervention, and they have agreed. The only prob is that the rehab in our area is $35,000 (I called), and he doesn't have insurance. In the meantime, I am $1,000 short on bills this month. I told him today he had to get some money - but he refuses to get a job, or ask family to help make up for it. He just won't do it. I don't understand why. When I told him he had to help me he said, "That's probably not going to be possible." I asked him what he would do if I wasn't here, and he started in with his mental list of everything he does, including wiping off counters, changing light bulbs, heating up DS's dinner, babysitting for 2 hours while I work. It is so infuriating. Even if he doesn't get help & we don't work out, he still has to pay child support. But every time we have broken up, he binge drinks for weeks and I never see a dime, of course. I don't know what to do! I have spent almost 4 years fighting this uphill battle. I finally understand what I am doing wrong and what to do, but I don't know how to handle the erratic behavior and the refusal to work. Please help, anything is appreciated. Thank you so much for reading this:)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds as if he's not contributing much but chaos right now. This might be a time to think whether keeping on living in this situation has much to offer you. There's no need to make a hasty decision; it's just something to think about.

You may know that interventions don't work very well very often, because the crucial thing for recovery is that the person has to want it. And interventions may corner them into it, but they can't make them want it. I would read up carefully on interventions before thinking about spending $35,000 for rehab.

Sadly, we cannot make them do anything -- stop drinking, pay bills, show up, be kind -- unless they want to do it. And we can't make them want to do it. That's step one: we are powerless. Our power comes in changing our own lives.

My sense is that the people pounding on your doors and windows may have been your ABF and his friends. And that's why he yelled at you later for not answering the door. That sounds like something the insanity of alcoholism would cause. I never believed how insane things could get until I started to live through it.

I hope you have found a good meeting? We need all the support we can get as we find our way through this. Don't stop before the miracle. Hugs.

danni · Senior Member

Oh, this sounds so painful and frustrating. With the help of face to face meetings and the Al Anon literature, along with the support and experience of other members, I am learning how and when to detatch and how and when to set boundries. It sounds like you are off to a good start. The meetings have given me so much strength and support, so now I feel like I can make clearer and less reactive decisions. His insanity does not have to become your insanity. Glad you are here and keep coming back! Sending you tremendous support. big hug

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi Ariel,
I think much of your frustration lies in that you don't know what to do about his behavior - and rightfully so, you can't do anything about it. One of Alanon's fundamentals is the 3 C's - you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. We can't change addicts but we can change our responses to them and how much we let their insanity run our lives. He will change if and when he wants to and it doesn't sound like he is ready to, at least not now. What you can do is think about your own boundaries and what is acceptable to you - eg., can you put up with this behavior under your roof. These are things to think about - how you can make your life better for yourself and your children.
Sometimes just releasing yourself from having expectations or hoping to take charge of a situation that is out of control helps. Wishing you much support,
nyc

Ariel · Veteran Member

Thank you for the replies:). My frustration is with what I can do - because it's too much to live with. How do I approach him to get help? Give an ultimatum? Do I just say "stop this or leave?" in which case he will stop for a short while until resentments/withdrawals start to build, and it will start all over. I want it to end, but he confuses me, to the point where at times I've felt utterly crazy and mixed up. I need to get off this roller coaster.

Do I kick him out? I had planned on doing an Intervention. No matter what nothing is going to change until he gets help, from someone he will listen to. So far, he has listened to no one, and thinks he knows everything. I'm also trying to keep my family together.

It's also frustrating because at first detaching worked. Now he is trying to steamroll me because I'm not standing up to him like I normally do - at least when I screamed at him he would straighten up for a few days. I don't know. I'm so confused. I'm starting to feel like a lost cause and I'm losing hope again.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

get to face to face meetings if you can and read as many posts and responses on here as possible.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I have found ultimatums do not work. You can not force someone to change anything about themselves until they choose. All the convincing in the world is you putting your energy into trying to force instead of accepting this disease for what it does to our loved ones. I hope you are able to find local face to face meetings and find a sponsir in time. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was also very helpful for me and the daily readers "Courage to Change, One Day at a Time, and Hope For Today". I am sending you love and support!

nyc018 · Senior Member

Nothing works well with someone who is unwilling to budge from their addiction - trust me I've been there and tried everything in the world to get my AH to stop before he was good and ready to tackle it head on. In his case he had to fall flat on his face before he got serious about cleaning up. Alanon isn't about giving advice but rather esh - I'll say in my case, living with AH while this was going on was too much and I had to physically separate or else lose my own sanity. Particularly since I have a young child to take care of. I agree with everyone here that seeking out f2f meetings is a good move. Getting through a situation like this is very tough but there are lots of good people out there who have been through this and can lend their support.

Ariel · Veteran Member

Thank you so much for the replies. They help so much. I am in the process of finding a feasible time/place in my area that matches with my schedule.

Can anyone share how there ABF or AH hit rock bottom?

danni · Senior Member

Mine hasn't yet. So the face to face meetings make living with active drinking and non drinking periods much more manageable and less frustrating and confusing. They have also opened me up to a wonderful way of living that has been such a gift from this whole situation. So glad you are considering going to a meeting! It is recommended you try at least six different meetings before deciding if they are right for you. Sending you courage on your journey!

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH drank for 29 yrs. of our marriage. Then he got a DUI and was court ordered to AA. His brother was already in AA for a few years so he made sure he got to his meetings. He tried drinking a few times after that, but gave it up when he couldn't stop until he got blitzed and passed out. After 7 yrs. in AA he got cancer in his upper throat....a fairly typical place for alcoholics to get cancer. He will never, ever be tempted again, I don't think, but then this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. His recovery from cancer was extremely harsh, but you wouldn't think he had it if you saw him today.

My hubby had a relatively easy rock bottom. Other alcoholics die in the cold. Or kill other people with their cars. Or my hubby's cousin died from alcohol brain damage. I think AA says they have a choice of 3 outcomes. They can stay sober, go to jail or die. Everyone's story is different even when it is similar.

rrib · Senior Member

Nothing YOU do is going to make him do or not do anything.

The real question is how much of his BS are you willing to put up with? You get to set this boundry anywhere you want from 'none of it' to 'all of it' or anywhere inbetween.

Hope things get better for you soon.

rrib · Senior Member

p.s. I don't think my ex-wife ever did quit drinking.

I came to Al-Anon after the NEXT relationship fell apart when my GF (sober when I met her) returned to drinking/drugging. I think she continued for another 5 to 7 years after we split up.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

My husband has had many many rock bottoms but the last one was an overdose in a parking lot. I was with him. i don't do drugs and he did them in a bathroom while I was waiting for him in the car. I had no idea. Its actually a miracle he did not collapse in the bathroom and instead made it out to the parking lot. The ambulance came and once he was safely at the ER and going to make it.. I left and packed my things. I had to keep make my own sanity and at this point, as a post earlier, I had to "retreat." He is now 2 1/2 months sober. He went to rehab for three weeks. He does AA or NA every night and outpatient therapy three times per week. I am well aware rock bottoms can get lower and lower and lower.I am also aware the disease is progressive.. If he drank today he would probably be snorting oxies tomorrow.. and quite frankly, I know he would be dead at a very young age. I have absolutely no power or control over his choices. I have boundaries now, like no drugs in our home.. but its a gradual decline when he starts using and, honestly, I have a very hard time telling he is high.. so.. who knows. all I know is he's going to do what he's going to do. what am I going to do?

Ariel · Veteran Member

Thank you for your replies...Michelle, what a sad story. I think about you often & hope things are going ok for you:). Sending you big hugs! Xoxo

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.