Inventorying my own drinking - Al-Anon Family Group

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Inventorying my own drinking

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

I know this is an Al-Anon and not AA board. But, I just need to put this somewhere because it is rattling my head and I'm not quite sure where to put it.

I came into this program through Al-Anon. My AH is very active in his disease. My life has improved in ways I never imagined by going to F2F meetings, getting a sponsor, reading the literature.

So, I'm waist deep in the cesspool of my own 4th-Step inventory, putting on the snorkle gear and diving under to see what's there, when I realized I need to look at my own drinking--count my bottles and not my AH's. I started writing it out, looking at it in black and white. And, well, ladies and gentleman, it ain't lookin' pretty.

I'm not drinking now. I don't have any craving to drink. But, when I look at my drinking history... I'm not sure what side of the invisible drinking line I belong on. I'm asking my HP for a lot of guidance on this one so I may see myself as I really am.

My sponsor is out of town for most of the month, so I haven't called her with this one.

Anyone have some ESH to share?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi VVT

I can really identify with your experience. I did attend AA for a year because I thought my own drinking was suspect and have not had any alcohol in over 30 years.

I am not tempted, do not want to drink and do not attend AA any longer.

I do believe that I express the disease of alcoholism in my thinking and not my drinking and so my program of recovery is definitely AlAnon.

Keep on digging and know you are not alone and that this Step is very powerful.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to drink ALOT!!!!
I have ceased drinking in that way. In fact I stopped drinking very much when I moved in with my now husband. AT that time I also started working in a withdrawal service and I saw alot of harm every day to alot of people from alcohol and drugs.

I feel for me, I am not addicted to alcohol because of the way I treat alcohol. Even when I drank alot it didn't bother me if I didn't have anything to drink. It bothered my husband at the time (now ex) and he would not do anything if it meant he couldn't drink. I used to be the one who drove or we took a taxi.

Since I have reduced my drinking significantly, I am not fussed by it, I don't crave it, I don't even think about it much. I have a drink a few times a week.

My husband drinks every day.

I feel the addiction is in the attitude to the substance, not the use itself. If a person sees it is harmful, and they stop without the need for intervention... is that an addiction, or it is a person who has identified a need for change. Woudl it be similar to a person who used to ride motorbikes realising that now they are older with a family they need a car and to stop riding bikes so much?

Thats my opinion anyway.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Betty, you described exactly how I feel. I was also worried maybe I needed AA, but I don't feel temptation to drink right now at all. I think my alcoholism traits are in my thinking. I have been to many AA meetings with my AH but I do not get out of it what I get from Al-Anon. Its a searching and fearless inventory. It's hard. I keep coming back to step four. over and over and over again. Right now I actually feel some anger and resentment toward alcohol and I choose not to drink at all. We will see how I feel in the future about it.

-- Edited by Michelle814 on Friday 10th of February 2012 09:23:56 AM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

This subject has been weighing on my mind for many reasons. Now that my spouse is out of the house I can have a glass of wine and ironically I have been scared to death. What if I become the one with the issue? I can't put the kids though that all. The other reason is what is my motive for drinking, as I am alone out here, it's not for social purposes .. it's for numbing reasons. At this point, I'm choosing not to drink, as much discomfort as I've been in physically I've also made the choice to face the pain cold stone in the mirror. I've had dear friends say go to the dr, get pills and it's just not me. Being the primary parent at this point .. I just wouldn't feel comfortable. I have gone to the store and thought hmm .. a glass of wine would be nice tonight.

Everyone has to make that choice for themselves and if it makes you feel uncomfortable then do what makes you feel best about you. Everyone has their own thing though to do or not to do.

Hugs P :)

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Once again, I don't feel alone or crazy. All of you expressed what has been running through my brain. I have been living with an alcoholic for so long (20 years), I don't know what is normal drinking and what isn't. And I know for sure that many times my drinking was excessive.

Betty, I've heard similar experiences from others in Al-Anon who spent time in AA and found that Al-Anon was their program of recovery. Thank you for reminding me that we each much choose our own program and how we are going to work it.

Mattie, you said EXACTLY it how it is for me: "Once my eyes were opened to the problems alcohol can cause, I looked at my own drinking with worry. When I'm with heavy drinkers, my drinking picks up; when I'm not, I hardly ever drink."

I've described my drinking as drinking co-dependently. I match my drinking (or I used to) to what everyone else was doing. I never made my own choices. Heck, I rarely ordered my own drinks.

Pushka, I've had the same thoughts: a glass of wine for the numbing effects would be nice. But, I have just enough Al-Anon recovery time in me to know that I need to feel the good and the bad: it is all part of making me a complete person again.

Thank you again. I will continue to inventory my drinking. It is hard to look at myself naked in the mirror with the fluorescent lights showing all my flaws. I am grateful that my HP has given me the fearlessness to look at the good, the bad, and the ugly.

danni · Senior Member

Great topic! I need to look at my drinking too, but for now I am step 2. I know it is coming up. I stopped drinking (after 20 yrs of lots of drinking) to "get" my AH to stop. Now I don't drink because I like my life better, but sometimes I miss it terribly, and I have been wondering about whether this is a lifestyle adjustment or something more. we'll see. Thanks for opening up this discussion. It feels good to get this out.

danni · Senior Member

p.s. I'm pretty horrified at many of the choices I have made in my past re: drinking and my behavior. Wherever I end up going with this, I am grateful for Al Anon that I have stopped and am beginning to look at my past and present more clearly.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Great topic. I take inventory of my own drinking and have done so for many years. Way back when I was 22, I remember drinking a bottle of wine all by myself and started thinking, maybe I have a problem. At that point in my life I had just graduated from college, my grandparents were hit by a car walking home from church(within the past year of that incident) and both died, my cousin who was 30 at the time was run over by a Mack truck and killed at his work(my uncle owned a rock hauling company), and my dad was in full alcoholic mode blaming me for all his problems and taking out his disappointments in life on me. Anyway, there were other stressful things that were happening, too, and all I kept thinking was 'I don't want to turn into my dad.'
So, at a pretty young age I started judging my alcohol intake and I even quit drinking for a while, too. I got real tired of being the designated driver, though. When AH and I got married, we had both quit drinking and didn't drink for the first 15 years of our marriage. I didn't miss it and didn't really give it much thought. Fast forward to the past year and half and that's when we started drinking again. It started out with me just wanting to drink wine every so often. We would enjoy a bottle together, etc. Then, I found out AH was hiding hard alcohol because I made a comment like this 'it's nice to drink wine, at least we're not drinking hard alcohol that might be too much'. So, he took that comment and decided he needed to hide his drinking and here we are 18 months later; he's still hiding it and I've turned into a co-dependent control freak. Of course, I'm using Al Anon to fix all that but that's what led me here.
Now, I do drink every so often. I opened up a bottle about 5 days ago and it's barely half gone. I drink about 1 glass every 3 days or so. Takes me over a week to finish a bottle. I also don't drink much while out with friends. I order a glass of wine, drink half of it depending on the restaurant, and make sure I eat quite a bit so I drive home sober. I am VERY aware of my drinking and take inventory of it often. I do think, however, that I am not prone to being an alcoholic. I don't crave it, don't miss it when I choose to avoid it. Also, if someone were to offer me a drink with tequila in it, I'd turn it down and choose a sprite instead. I'd rather drink what I want to drink than drink just to drink. I know my AH would drink anything that's offered to him, doesn't matter what the choice of alcohol is. If it's a drink and it's being handed to him, he'll drink it.
I also quit smoking after 7 years when I was 22. I was up to 2 packs a day and I quit cold turkey. Never looked back. My dad was a lifetime smoker and it's definitely what contributed to his death as he only had 40% lung capacity from all the damage to his lungs. He was diagnosed with emphysema by the time he was 55. So, with all that said, yes I do take inventory of my own drinking and I don't hide it from AH. If I want a glass of wine, I have a glass of wine. I don't drink much else, though, except for a mojito when we vacation and I know I can take a nap afterwards, LOL. One drink with hard alcohol puts me to sleep! I'm definitely a lightweight!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I drank lots in my early 20's to deal with stress, heartache and many things. The problem was when I came out of the fog all that stuff was in a heap still waiting there for me to deal with it. Although I can drink or not without having cravings, I choose not to because of how I used to use alcohol. It owns my exAH and after not drinking at all for over 7 years I have no urge. I don't judge my friends when they drink, but I do not hang out in bars or around it just because of the negative impact it has had on my loved ones all around me. My 13 year old doesn't even allow me to say you kids are driving me to drink, because like she said, It is NOT funny! We have all been greatly affected in my family and so I choose not to for myself as well as my kids. Great topic and great awareness. Sending you all love and support!

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Wow, again! Thanks to all of you for your ESH. I don't feel like such a freak for taking a serious look at my own bottles. Thank you.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

I was a party girl. There were times in my life when I drank more especially when I was younger. Once I got to a certain point I realized that drinking during the week didn't work for me so I stopped. Then I started running and training for a 1/2 marathon and running long runs required me to not drink at all at least the night before. Because my long runs happened on the weekends that pretty much eliminated most of my weekend alcohol consumption.

When I first met my AH we would sit out on the porch and talk while we both enjoyed a drink. After we got married I was introduced to a whole other person. I removed all my alcohol from the house this past summer because I was told this is what I should do (his mom and the pastor who married us).

I have realized that he's going to drink and nothing I do will change that. So now I will have the occasional beer on a weekend. My AH hates beer so I know I'm not breaking my boundary, I refuse to buy alcohol for him. Because I know that nothing I do will change his drinking I decided that I'm not going to punish myself for what he does or does not do.

If I ever feel that for whatever reason I need to completley give up alcohol then that's what I will do until then I will enjoy my occasional beer.

Ariel · Veteran Member

I have really been thinking about this lately, and have come to realize how much I lost during my years of being a party girl. All of my friends were binge drinkers; it was a way of life and anything else was considered boring. My (now ex) friends won't do anything that doesn't involve it.

I believe that I have a problem with drinking. It caused problems in my relationships from college until I got married & pregnant. Man, that first 6 months of being with child I lost every single friend. I didn't get them back until I started partying during my divorce. Then I got pregnant with my son & lost my significant other, which brings me here. I feel he has nothing in common with me bc I don't drink anymore. After all I've been through, I don't touch the stuff.

I look back at those years of partying and see how much I was running from, and how stupid I looked. After getting alcohol out of my life I am finally finding out who I really am- but it took a really long time. Especially to see so many around me have problems with it.

What stinks the most is tht everyone loves me drunk - life of the party. Nobody likes me sober. But I'm starting a new life, and making new friends-starting with myself:)

rrib · Senior Member

Your not alone if you belong on both sides of the line.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

There are alot of "doubles" in Al-Anon those who have suffered with the disease of alcoholism both as enabler and alcoholic. I went 9 years without a drink in Al-Anon until I finally took my own real "assessment" and it was because of that assessment I found out I needed to do some very good work to prevent the possibility of relapse and maybe the loss of my life.

I attend and am active in both programs as suggested. (((hugs))) smile

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Thank you, Jerry and rrib. I'm not drinking now, but the more I look at my drinking history with fearlessness, the more I see a destructive pattern that I do not want to repeat.

So, I continue to breathe, to read, to chat with my HP, and to approach my inventory with no drama, no self-pity, but with real honesty.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with pinkchip. I think I passed through that phase and it was fun while it lasted but I have friends who have graduated right on to alcoholic. I have not been drinking but if I did I would not feel comfortable drinking along side them anymore. I would feel like I am enabling them to keep drinking now. Just my thoughts on it.

-- Edited by Michelle814 on Saturday 11th of February 2012 11:01:48 AM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

So is it bad after reading these posts I'm excited about doing a 4th step? LOL?

Hugs P :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I can share just what I observe from being a definite alkie here. What I observe is that many of my friends pass through "binge phases" and most did it when we were in college. However; they can turn it off and on and I cannot. They all passed out of the phases and I did not. My drinking progressed to a whole nother level of disease.

All I can be · Senior Member

I always think the same thing. If there is ever a reason to be concerned just stop drinking for 6 months. If that goes ok then repeat. If that not doable then look further.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it is pretty common for those of us experiencing life with A's, finding al-anon, and learning about the disease to question our own drinking habits; to fear that somehow they point to US having a drinking problem as well. I did a lot of inner searching to resolve the question to my hearts satisfaction. I am a "normal" drinker, I can take it or leave it, I like some products and dislike others, when I'm out where people are drinking I can have a good time, drink my favorite, know when to stop (actually just don't want another) and go home (small town, 5 block walk to the tavern - convenient eh?). I won't drink if I have to drive - not important enough, and I can say no thanks when offered a drink if I don't want one. I can choose to drink pop if I don't want alcohol. I do like the nice wave of relaxation that washes over me with a glass of wine and the combination of hot wings and cold beer is hard to beat. My metabolism keeps me from choosing much hard liquor - the headache the next day after just a little isn't worth it. My job prohibits even thinking about it before days end but that isn't any kind of problem for me because I don't even really think about drinking much at all. I do answer the question "do you drink alone" with a yes, but I live alone (which is preferrable to living with mr ex).

My only drinking problem is that beer is fattening - now eating problem, ha, yeah, that one I do have!

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Each person gets to define what "alcoholic" is, and whether or not, they are one. Someone's "high bottom" might look an awful lot like a "low bottom" to me. When I am tempted to compare, I remember, that is what alcoholics do!

To me, it's about my honesty between me and my Higher power.... whether or not I use(d) ANYTHING other than Higher power to comfort me, relax me, validate me, strengthen me, inspire me, etc. etc.

My disease is all about my separation from my Higher power. Alcohol never enhanced a connection, that's for sure.

It's my personal journey, and no one gets a say in that. If anyone judges it... well, what anyone thinks of me is none of my business.

I once sat in an AA meeting and an elderly woman with 40 years in recovery said, "even if I wasn't an alcoholic, I might lie and say that I was... just so I could sit in these meetings."

She was beaming. And I soooo understood it.

-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 13th of February 2012 09:56:43 AM

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Love what glad lee had to say. I agree.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.