The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know many of us here with A spouses have been stuck in the cycle of trying to "prove" ourselves and our worth to our A spouses. As I read those sections of Getting Them Sober (and I re-read them a lot, because I find this is a BIG trouble area for me), it put my constant over-achieving in a new light. All my hard work to be the model wife/mother wasn't doing a damn thing to help him get better.
Anyway, one of the things I would always do involved gift-giving. I would put so much time and effort into gifts, often spending more than I should in an effort to "prove" how well I knew him, how much I loved him, etc.
So now V Day is coming up. What are people giving their significant others for the holiday (regardless of whether your partner is your qualifier)? I want to give him something he will enjoy, without overextending myself emotionally or financially. But this, surprisingly, is an area that is a HUGE trigger for me, so i figured who better to bring it to than my MIPers?!? All I know is that I will NOT be spending 4 hours on ebay this year, looking for the perfect pocket knife (yes, I really have done that in the past).
My AH's love language isn't gifts, rather quality time and words of affirmation. So I just got a card, and told him up front that he doesn't have to buy me a present but I want a card.
I have to work Valentines at both jobs so I suggested to him that he make this a daddy daugther date night and pick up his daughter from her mom's for a very special evening of dinner and dancing. He is burning a CD of kid songs and purchased a little battery operated disco ball.
If you like to cook you could make a fun dinner. If y'all are movie people you could put together a movie bucket of popcorn, candy, his favorite soda. Around here there are some great deals on groupon and living social for couples massages and different valentines themed things that are super inexpensive this year.
I spent time on Ebay looking for a football helmet for an exboyfriend. It was after that year that I realized they were not going to love me more (if at all) for what I buy them. However I love to give gifts so now I scale it down but still have fun with the choosing!
Man, have not thought about it. I really must be focused on me. My husband wrote a corny poem for me for Christmas. The last couple lines said something about how we dont have much money so he wrote me a poem instead and he still loves me, honey. HaHa. It was sweet because he got up early that morning to write it. I could hear him ripping up papers. HaHahaha. I think I will just get my husband a card that means something to him. We don't have alot of money right now, though things are finally starting to look up for us financially. Maybe Ill cook dinner that night too.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I'm having the kids get him a card and some candy. I am not personally getting him anything from me however I have already let him know I expect my anniversary dinner!
Hugs P :)
I think doing what you feel comfortable with .. without the expectation of what will be given in return is the best way to go. That's just me though. I doubt he will think to get me something from the kids although they will probably remind him as that's just how they are.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have to laugh at that last share, because that is sorta how I am feeling. I am making my kids a jello cake shaped like a heart. Sending you all love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I know I won't be getting anything from my A on Valentine's Day. He never knows what day of the week it is lately, let alone a special day. That's OK, We don't have money to spend on gifts. I will make him a card. I will also make a special dinner that night. If he's not too drunk he can join me. If he is too drunk, I'll enjoy it by myself.
I've been around long enough now to realise that it is a great commercial hype and we all can get sucked into that.
There have certainly been years that I have felt sorry for myself when I have watched or read the media around and on that day.
There has been no acknowledgment even for our Wedding Anniversaries over the years ....until I started writing on the calender.
I've always thought all the other days of the year and what went on in our lives more important.
However a few years ago, I did receive from my longtime sober husband a Valentines Day card with beautiful words....treasured....and displayed on the mantle.
I used to get a V day present and card and stuff... but he always forgot.. so this year I am doing nothing and not mentioning it at all.
Theother day he saw an ad on the telly and said.. oh whens that?? I felt like saying.. the ad just told you, its the same day every year, every year of your life... but I just said "Tuesday".
So this year... V day is a nothing day... it really isn't important anyway, but it woudl be nice to be made special. I make him feel special over and over nearly every week. Would be nice to be thought of just the once without me forcing the issue
My ah is on day3 of a 28 day stay at rehab. I sent him balloons. I intend to enjoy the peace that him being gone will give me.