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Hi, I'm glad I found this board and I'm hoping someone will be able to relate to my problem. I am the child of alcoholic parents. Was going to go into my whole life story, but really, it's irrelevant and won't help me deal with my problem NOW, which is my mother. She's always been a drinker, and I got pregnant and married at 17 to get out of the house and away from my parents' drinking. Still married, 26 years, 3 children and 4 grandchildren later! But now my father has passed away (will be two years in May) and my mother sits home and gets falling-down drunk every day. I always considered hers and my father's drinking "their" problem, once I was away from it, but now she's falling down and hurting herself and she's drinking so much that a few times my daughters and I have walked in on her in the mornings and she is suffering from the DT's. We didn't know what it was at first (shaking, confusion, etc) but a series of events led to me discovering just HOW MUCH she was drinking and I put the pieces together. She has been going through approximately a 26-oz bottle of vodka every 1-2 days. I finally decided to confront her about it after her boss (yes, she still works in a flower shop) called me and said she had to send her home because she was shaking so badly she couldn't do her job. They know something is wrong with her, but they don't know what, or if they do, they don't say. Anyway, the confrontation led to me forcing her to go our doctor. He prescribed benzodiazepines to deal with the withdrawal symptoms and sent her to a psychologist, who then said she/we should find an AA meeting to go to. That was disastrous. The only "open" meeting in our city was at 9:00 on a Friday evening and because an old guy spent a full two hours telling is ENTIRE LIFE STORY, we met no one and we didn't even get a chance to pick up any literature or anything.
A few days ago, my daughter said she had a feeling Grandma was drinking again. I refused to believe it. Tuesday, she said her psychologist wanted ME to go along with her to her appointment, so off we went. Somehow she messed up the time of the appointment (not unusual for her to mix things up and forget things) and as we were sitting in the waiting room for an extra hour, I suspected she had been drinking. Nevertheless, I felt it was an awesome hour...she shared grief, she shared her desire to get sober, she agreed to go to church with me....then she went home and got drunk as a skunk.
I'm angry that she looked me in the eye and lied to me and she wasted my time making me go to an AA meeting and this appointment with her when she had no intention of getting sober.
Now, I don't know what MY next step is. I realize SHE has to want to get sober badly enough that SHE takes the steps to make it happen. But what do I do, as her only child, to keep her safe? She has already had two bad falls, one resulted in surgery to fix her broken nose. She is set to retire this summer and her income will go down and she's spending ridiculous amounts of money at the liquor store. I don't know what my role as her daughter is right now.
(((Carly))) I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this situation with your mother. You already know that you can't ¨fix¨ her. She has to want to do it for herself. I'm afraid i don't have any answers about how to keep her safe. But I do want to welcome you to MIP, I'm glad you found this place. I suggest reading other posts here, seeing what others have gone/are going through and how they are managing can be a help. I also hope that no matter what is going on with your mother, you will take care of yourself. Sending you support. Please keep coming back.
Welcome! I'm not able to offer much experience but I am glad you are here.
When you say that she looked you in the eye and lied to you about wanting to get sober, truly I can say that she isn't lying. This disease is baffling, and while the person might truly want to get sober the disease tells them that they can't, that they will always need alcohol, and many other twisted and messed up things.
It is very possible to love the person but abhor the disease!
Thanks everyone! It's nice to just come here and vent!
Jackie, I'm not even sure I can say I love my mother. We have never had an emotional connection and I guess I do what I do out of a sense of duty. But then, the more I read about being an adult child of an alcoholic, the more traits I recognize in myself. I'm surprisingly healthy in some ways, and emotionally stunted in others!
Thanks, I'll look it up. Luckily I never experienced any real trauma or abuse from my parents' drinking....although maybe having to put up with it and hide it from people affected me in ways I don't even realize. I have more bad memories of my mother's mood swings and tantrums than I do from the drinking!
She had to work today so I went over to her house with a list of our local AA meetings to leave on her counter. I had every intention of finding all her hidden booze bottles and dumping them out and leaving them on the counter as well, but lo and behold, I found NONE. That says to me she's either decided to be very sneaky about it, or she has yet again turned over a new leaf. Whatever, I hope she keeps the meeting list and chooses to go to one. I can't force her!
I grew up with my parents caught up with alcohol and drugs at home and it does have its effects on us. I have gone to Al-anon meetings to help me deal with those sick people around me and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) literature has been even more eye opening for me. I do hope you are able to make it to face to face Al-anon meetings in your area, I believe it will help you with boundaries and dettaching with love. I am sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
But now my father has passed away (will be two years in May) and my mother sits home and gets falling-down drunk every day. I always considered hers and my father's drinking "their" problem, once I was away from it, but now she's falling down and hurting herself and she's drinking so much that a few times my daughters and I have walked in on her in the mornings and she is suffering from the DT's. We didn't know what it was at first (shaking, confusion, etc) but a series of events led to me discovering just HOW MUCH she was drinking and I put the pieces together. She has been going through approximately a 26-oz bottle of vodka every 1-2 days. I finally decided to confront her about it after her boss (yes, she still works in a flower shop) called me and said she had to send her home because she was shaking so badly she couldn't do her job. They know something is wrong with her, but they don't know what, or if they do, they don't say. Anyway, the confrontation led to me forcing her to go our doctor. He prescribed benzodiazepines to deal with the withdrawal symptoms and sent her to a psychologist, who then said she/we should find an AA meeting to go to. That was disastrous. The only "open" meeting in our city was at 9:00 on a Friday evening and because an old guy spent a full two hours telling is ENTIRE LIFE STORY, we met no one and we didn't even get a chance to pick up any literature or anything.