Hello, I am new here and want to share my story. I would like some guidance and support as I am working through some major transitions but am scared. My mother was an alcoholic and passed away 8 years ago. She basically gave up on herself a few years before her death. She was a binge drinker and basically we had a fairly unstable childhood. My father is still alive and I have one younger brother & one older sister. I thought that we had 'survived' the turmoil and had come out the other side as adults fairly well. Unfortunately this is not the case. I am now discovering in these past few years traits in my family I am not too comfortable with and as I start my own family I now know I want to change how I interact with the 'madness' as I call it. I am the middle child, always the reliable one trying to calm the storms and puts people in front of me. I have always done this. I also sought affirmation & validation from others as I felt so worthless for years. I never felt 100% comfortable with the balances within my family and my relationships with my siblings but was thankful I had people who 'loved' me etc etc. We all got on with it, had bumps in the road would have fall outs but then picked up and got on with it. We never addressed fully the effects of our mothers drinking. That big ugly elephant in the room, nobody saw, wanted to see or cared for. Then things changed in my life and a lot of stuff came up to the surface and I knew I had to start dealing with it. I have a young family and while I appreciate I cannot protect and mould them forever I wanted to give them the security and nurturing that was basically absent for parts of my life. I had to start the painful process of unravelling how I felt, striping away everyone else's feelings and looking at myself as a middle aged mother & wife. So I stopped accepting certain behaviours from my sister. We have always had a fairly tumultuous relationship. Up and down, silence, love, etc. I also realise that we are both looking for similar things from each other almost like a mirror image. She grew up in the same home & I'm fairly certain she is battling her monsters too. So I have empathy for her but its time I start putting myself first and my family so that means evaluating my relationship with her. I am today writing this and am scared. She is a very destructive person, manipulative, and plays the victim so well. I'm tired of it and can't handle anymore. She is going through a particularly bad patch right now so the old me feels guilty as I feel as a sister I should be there, but I can't. I am past saturation and I need to move on. There have been a sequence of events (always when there is stress involved) that have happened lately and I have been accused, abused and her stuff thrown at me. The old me would have accepted and supported, loved, hugged and moved on. Now I can't & more importantly I don't want to. She is not a bad person but here behaviour is very damaging and volatile to be around. I am very happy and proud of myself for finally standing up for me. I have a lovely husband and a small circle of friends I can truly confide in. I need to deal with it as I don't want to spend the next 30 years with this muck. I have tried the calm approach, phone calls, offering me, telling her I'm always here etc. I'm not a bad person but I don't need her validation anymore. But you know what I'm scared of walking away as I'm afraid of what my immediate family will think?! What our mutual friends will think?! How I will be judged....I need the strength now to protect myself. She is in my opinion "street angel/house devil" few see the real her. I am heartbroken as a sister, truly. It has brought up so much hurt but I know I can get through and I want to feel free. Any advise would be lovely. Thank you for reading my story