He decided to get sober, and now he doesn't want to be with me?! - Al-Anon Family Group

mimihtx · Member

He decided to get sober, and now he doesn't want to be with me?!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

I hope you will go to an alanon meeting in your area. They make a difference when you feel so isolated, I am so sorry for the pain that you are in and I so understand on many levels. Your post really struck me.

A few things I just want to point out, there is no guarantee that just because someone finds sobriety that relationships will survive. Sometimes sobriety is far harder than the drinking, especially if there is no program of recovery/therapy and the addict just quits. The term stark raving sober completely applies in those situations.

Happiness and this goes for anyone is an inside job. He's unhappy and loves you however he's not in love with you. That is the biggest crock of BS going on .. it goes right there with the line "it's me not you." It is not anyone else's job to make anyone else happy. I also want to point out that he's been filling a big gaping hole with either drugs or alcohol for so long that I"m sure he does feel dead inside. The addiction is calling and it wants him. It's what the disease does.

It takes two people to make a relationship work and if one decides they don't want to make it work no force on earth will make them want it. I so encourage you to take care of yourself. Get a support group for you going on and work on you on that level. I read what you do for everyone else, .. what are you doing for you?

None of us know what God's plan is for us, I know even in the situation that I am currently in which my spouse has moved out and has echoed the same words you are using, .. my HP has not left me. The God of my understanding is not sitting up top with a tally list going hmm .. today looks like a good day to wreck a marriage. During this time I have discovered that my spouse is not the only one with choices he can make .. I can to. I am so grateful for these boards and the support that I get from my alanon family without them I would be a wreck. I don't have "my" family close and if I did I don't think they would understand fully what is going on.

You are not alone in what you are struggling with and I truly encourage you to continue to post here as well as go to a meeting. It makes such a difference. I know for me my life has grown in ways I can't believe and God shows himself over and over in the support I continue to receive.

Hugs P :)

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi
I am glad you have posted here and I hope you get what you are looking for. I am sorry foryour sadness right now.

This is a really difficult time for emotions. Neurotransmitters are firing off and as he says, the fog is lifting.

Is he getting any counselling or help?

I don't know the individual issues within your relationship, but it sounds like you love him very much. Let him know that... He has decided to get clean for a reason.

The first few months are hard. I remember when my husband first gave up the pot (he has relapsed) and he was a misery and didn't know what he wanted out of life etc etc.

I stood by and helped where I could, and let him go into his little cave when he needed to.

Hang around and read and learn and I do hope you get the help you need.

mimihtx · Member

Thank you guys so, so much. Pushka, I don't do a whole lot for myself. I feel happy when I make others happy. I was just born and bred to be a housewife, and even though I'm not a stay at home mom, it's what makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something. I don't even know where I would start to just make myself happy. Linda, no, he isn't getting help. His job asked him for a drug test, and he had to turn it down. He could have lost his job, thankfully his boss was leaniant and let him know that he expected it not to be an issue again. I guess that lit a fire under his butt, when he realized that he could have lost his way to support his children. He says its about his kids. That he needs to get his **** together so he can provide the life they deserve. I don't know if there is a group here, I guess I should look. But what if I come home tomorrow and he's moved out?? Then I guess I don't really belong there, right? I won't be dealing with loving and supporting a recovering addict, I'll just be a girl who got her heart broken. I guess I just hope to understand why in the world fixing himself would cause him to hurt 5 other people? His family? Isn't that why he wants to get clean? I don't think he even understands.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

If he is not in rehab or going to a counselor for addiction therapy or to AA he is not in recovery. He is just not drinking.

So its no wonder he feels awful. He probably thought all he had to do was stop drinking and he would feel good. Does not work that way.

The drug including alchohol is only a small part of an addiction. A's need help with learning how to be sober.

You are the most important part of this. Al Anon is great for you. To learn to love yourself, take care of your kiddos is number one. He has to figure out the disease for himself.

hugs keep coming,debilyn

mimihtx · Member

I'm just miserable, and I don't know how to cope with the feelings of abandonment. He left at 8 this evening to buy a new phone clip. Its 2 am and he never came home. It's not unusual for him to lie and not come home (the typical substance abuser stuff I hear... goes to the grocery store and doesnt come home for a few days, or ends up in jail for being drunk and disorderly), but I never let him think it's okay. I am always livid, and have packed my bags many times over it, but he always convinces me to stay. I am just hysterical. How could he just toss me like garbage?! I want to destroy everything he owns. I want to throw a brick through his brand new 80 in tv. I want to make him hurt like he makes me hurt. How do I control these feelings without self destructing? The last time he had a bad stretch like this, also when he'd tried to stop, he made me so miserable that I dropped under 100 lbs. I looked like I was dying. And I felt like it too. The past week has been the same. I don't even eat every day. I can barely force myself out of bed to get to class. On top of it all, my childrens school is giving me trouble. He doesnt know about it, but I just need support and a shoulder to cry on. He picks this time to self destruct (emotionally, not drinking or smoking thank goodness). He doesn't think he needs help, and wants to just quit on his own. He says that he just wants to be single now so he can get his life on the right track. Every day is the day he is moving out, but he never does it. So I'm here, scared to death every moment of every day. Panicked when I'm driving home, because I'm horrified of the idea of me coming home to his things being packed and gone. He left that way before, and it drove me to one of the darkest places I've ever been. I'm on the highest dosage of zoloft possible, have been for years now, and since he sobered up, I feel as if I quit my meds cold turkey! I'm a mess. How do I learn to control the feelings of hoplessness? I feel like a failure. I cant keep him happy if he's sober. He can only love me with the aid of a substance. I'm a good woman, just not good enough to be loved. I'm drowning in depression. I've been okay the past few years, but now I'm right back to where I was when I lost the baby. I lost the baby late in the pregnancy, and had to carry it for over a week after his heart had stopped beating. I keep thinking of how I am loosing two more children, his children. I just don't even want to be alive anymore. This pain is so unberrable. But I know I have to push through, especially now that he's saying he's no longer going to be a part of the family. Who will my kids have if not me? Certainly not him. I dont know how I've gone through so many years of this. And I dont understand how I can hurt so bad over the thought of him and his disfunction being gone.

Worst of all, deep down, I wish he would just go back to it. Yes, he was sometimes abusive. He got in the way of a lot of oppertunities. And he hurt me, time and time again. But at least I had my family. Now that he's trying to fix himself, I've been chunked out of the picture. I feel horrible for feeling that way. I would never say it to him, because I know how wrong that would be. But I can't help but wish he would just mess up, realize that we arent what is causing his problem, and try to truely work on himself without destroying us.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Whether or not the marriage goes on, you are definitely welcome and have a purpose in alanon. It is not for those who are "still with" their qualifier. It is for those whose lives have been affected by having been with or being related to an addict/alcoholic. A good portion of the people here refer to their "ex-A" because what you are going through is not uncommon and most relationships do not survive either active alcholism or the recovery.

I hear you describing all the symptoms of clinical depression. I would talk to your doctor. Yes there is a clear stressor and you have reason to be feeling sad and such, but (like me who also has depression) when I go through something as traumatic as you are talking about, I experience it differently and it can knock me down further than others.

Your relationships with your children are not defined by your husband. You are not defined by your husband. There is a future and it can be what you make of it. To have all you happiness tied to one person is dangerous and it makes that person into your higher power. This is where alanon can help. This is not going to be easy, but it is a chance for growth. What might seem like "God is doing something awful TO you" might eventually become "God did something necessary and great (albeith difficult) FOR me." I'm sure having that baby at 17 wasn't something you did easily either but you got through it. God doesn't save us from hardship but he/she/it does help us get through it if you believe.

Mark

wantinganswers · Member

I know the last thing you want to hear right now is that it will get better....I am going through a similar situation and I can tell you from experience that it will. PLEASE find and Al anon meeting in your area...I didnt go to my first one until 2 yrs after my husband got sober, and he also decided he didnt want to be with us after he was sober. Its the best thing I have done ....it will help you understand that there is nothing you can do or say for them, its about taking care of you. I know you feel cheated...after all, you stuck around through all his crap and THEN he decides to bail?????
Its very frustrating but you need to focus on you and your kids. There will be people who can relate at the meetings and you will learn so much just by going and sitting and listening. I carry my daily reading book with me every were I go...its the only thing that gets me through.
My husband got sober, and I waited around for 18 months for him to start being the father and husband I thought he could be....and that he kept promising he would be..and then he decided he wanted a divorce.
You sound like a person who has been through a lot, you have a lot of strength...probabley more then you know.

Go to a meeting....I promise you will find a lot of support there...

mimihtx · Member

Can I still go to a meeting, even if he does end up leaving??

stephaniej · Senior Member

Mimi, you can ALWAYS go to a meeting. Even if your qualifier is no longer part of your daily life, Al Anon can transform you. Remember, Al Anon isn't about your A...it's about YOU! And since you have a child together, it will benefit you and your son both for you to learn healthier ways to handle certain situations.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Al-Anon has saved my life and brought me serenity and peace. It can do the same for you. What I have learned is that my higehr power does not grant me my will be done. Letting go and Letting God has allowed me to follow God's will for me, come good or bad.. its made everything much more peaceful in this life. All the pain and sorrow I have endured has actually been my blessings in disguise because it has showed me a better way to live, one where I am far more free of fear, worry, and anxiety. I hope you can get to some face to face al-anon meetings, this is absolutely the place for you, whether you are with this man or not. As I said before Al-Anon is my saving grace, and it can help you too.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I plan to attend Al-anon for the rest of my life and I no longer live with my addict parents or my exAlcoholic husband. I have grown and learned so many great and healthy ways to live through this recovery program that I wouldn't stop for anything. The program is for anyone that has been affected by an A which it sounds like you defintitely qualify and it is for you to decide whether it is for you not anyone else. I hope you can find local meetings in your area soon and learn to take care of yourself also. I am sending you lots of love and support!

danni · Senior Member

I am so sorry you are feeling so sad right now. Al Anon is for anyone who is being affected by someone else's drinking, and the meetings will offer you information, compassion and support that you deserve. Sending you so much compassion and support! Welcome, and keep coming back! You are taking care of yourself by posting here, and I am so glad that you found us. I try to take it one hour at a time when things get really overwhleming. big hug

mimihtx · Member

What about children? I don't have a baby sitter here. Is it okay to bring children? Or is there an area for them to play while the adults talk?

stephaniej · Senior Member

Many meetings do have child care. Some with child care will say so in the listing on the Al Anon website. I have found, though, that some of the meetings that don't specifically say they have child care do, in fact, provide it. I suggest you find a convenient meeting, then call the meeting site (often a church where I live) and ask about child care.

mimihtx · Member

Hmmm well, I got lucky and found someone last minute. There is a beginners meeting tonight in 30 minutes, and I am about to go. I'm scared to death! But this will be good for me, I am sure. Thank you all for being so supportive and helping me to get there. I wouldn't have been strong enough to reach for help if you guys hadn't shared with me.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

So glad you're getting to a meeting, Mimi

I'd encourage you to get to at least six meetings as close together as possible before you decide if the program is for you or not. (It also gives you the opportunity to see if there's a particular group that feels better for you.)

I will tell you that alcoholics/addicts fill their emptiness with the substances. When that substance is taken away, they look for something else outside of themselves to take responsibility for their feelings. I can't tell you how many times I've heard members say that when their loved one got sober that their loved one turned distant and/or blamed them for everything not being a walk in the park. An alcoholic/addict working a recovery program will start to get it that no one's responsible for their feelings but themselves. But until that comes along, they'll continue looking to outside sources to blame for their unhappiness and discontent.

You're no more responsible for his happiness than I am. It's HIS life, HIS body, HIS mind - only he can determine if he's going to be happy or not. Do not buy into the blame game.

The same goes for you, too, however. He's not responsible for your happiness either. It's an inside job. It's not easy to grasp that at first (took me a LOT of trial and error, and I'm still no ace at it myself), but when you do start to understand it, you will be able to take charge of your life in ways you never thought before and live a life with much more happiness, love and serenity in it than you've experienced in the past.

(hugs) I hope your meeting goes well and you pick up some of the free pamphlets.

danni · Senior Member

Good for you! Please keep us posted. You have found a place where people really do care. I reread your posts, and it is just heartbreaking. If you give the meetings a chance and keep coming back, it will and does get better...Easy does it. You have taken a huge step to help yourself.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

let us know how it goes, mimihtx

Ariel · Veteran Member

Mimi, I feel for you so much. It feels like being stuck in a prison, because we can't stop loving them, nor can we stop clinging to the hope that they will go back to the nice version of themselves we get a glimpse of once in a while. For me, I feel like I'm still holding onto a dream. But day by day I'm letting go of it. Day by day I get closer to doing what I have needed to do for years. Detach day by day, and remember it's going to get better. He needs you more than you need him, he just knows how to manipulate you in order to keep you right where he wants you.

As for the depressed moods, I go through the same thing on a very regular basis w/my ABF. When my ABF is forced to quit drinking, just or a few days, he plays "poor me," and talks about how unhappy he is, and how he never gets to do anything he wants, though all he does is whatever he wants, and refuses to work. It's like in the same 5 minutes you love them and want to strangle them!:)

Turn the tables on him. Tell him you don't care if he goes, and good luck getting help, because you are done babying him. If he senses your desperation, he will just treat you like a doormat. Get strong, get tough. Dish out some tough love and you will soon have his respect. Although you can'tbcontrol how he feels, just remember things are always changing, and it's up to you what you will put up with.

Remember, right now he is withdrawing....and a drink is in the mail- most likely - it's coming. Like the other poster said, he hasn't quit drinking, he's just not drinking right now. Let him get help, and focus on yourself.

Big hugs to you!!!

mimihtx · Member

Well, the meeting was a shock. It hurt, some of the things they were saying. Hearing that no matter how perfect I am, how much harder I try, I will never be able to help him.... that really sucked!!! He doesn't think he has a problem. He refuses to get help because it's a sign of weakness. He is Hispanic, and from the "hood", I know that sounds silly, but that's what he calls it. I am mixed black and white, but grew up in the suburbs... the thought of the "hood" scares the crap outta me!Needless to say, we don't have much to do with his past or where he came from. He says in his culture, asking for help is weakness. It makes you not a man. So even if he "did" need help, he would never ask for it or accept it. Going tonight made me realize that there is truly nothing to be done. I can never love him enough to beat this. Actually, loving him so much has made it worse, because I baby him. When he falls down the stairs drunk and cracks his head open, I tend to his wounds. Yuck. But what else do you do when the man you love has self destructed so badly. I almost wanted to defend myself when they said that loving them so unconditionally makes it worse. I always thought that kind of love is from God! He put it in me because regardless of his flaws, he is still beautiful, and deserves to be loved unconditionally. But it's true. He isn't accountable for his actions, because at the end of the day, he does what he wants and only has to deal with me crying or being angry. That's it. No real life consequence, because by the time he sobers up and wakes up, I've already cleaned all the mess he's made, as if it never happened. His job is called, his car is parked, he wakes up tucked in bed clueless to the fact that I spent all day covering his mistakes.

I was really guarded in there, because I kinda feel like a failure even having to go to strangers for help. But the people there really do understand. I didn't speak, but when they did, it pulled at my heart. Because I could see the pain, some of them worse than mine. I didn't think that was possible. I feel like I've just discovered a new species of human. I didn't know there was so much to an alcoholic/addict. I feel like I thought he was my future, but tonight, I found out that he isn't anything like me, he's an entirely different breed. Everything about him is different, because he's sick. He can't be rational, he can't be functional. He has an entire different mind set, and he's just good at hiding it from the rest of the world. I thought that when he abused, it was a momentary character flaw. I think I understand now, that the character flaw IS who he is... and until he gets help, the good man that I thought was really him is just a good cover. I'm sad, but I feel like understanding why I can't be good enough for him is already helping me heal my heart. Of course I'm not, no one is good enough for this disease, and it will suck the life from everyone who tries to fix him until he gets professional help. I'm sad, but I don't feel helpless like I did a few hours ago. And I guess that's the point to all of this, right? Sad is okay, out of control isn't.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

I am sooo glad you went and I truly hope you will continue to go because for me it has been a God send literally. The other gift that alanon has given me is letting go of my past, which needed to happen anyway. Alanon takes the focus off of my Q and puts it back where it should be .. even if I wasn't married to my Q .. I would still need alanon if nothing else because I lack the tools to function in the real world properly. I don't know if that makes sense.

We are all powerless over addiction, it doesn't matter if it is ours or if it someone else's .. our power only resides in our own choices. You didn't cause the addiction, you can't control it, and you won't cure it. The 3 C's.

You should have received a newcomer packet and I really encourage you to read the Merry Go Round Called Denial brochure. As well as the one that talks about the addict speaking to his family those are very powerful reads.

Keep coming back, hugs P :)

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Unconditional love is a topic I like discussing. I have, what they call, unconditional love for my husband. I also can detach with love from him. They are two different things. JUst as I unconditionally love my mother but when she is trying to control me and make me see things her way I can grab my thigs and leave the house. i still love her, i always will, but I can detach. Sometimes its physical and mental, other times I detach emotionally from people. Sometimes I have difficulty and can't attach at all and I have to pray the serenity prayer all day every day til im blue in the face. But I have learned that I do not have to wear my heart on my sleeve like whatever my AH does effects me. I can choose to be happy just to be alive and be me, whether he is making the right choices for him or not.. but I still love him, I always will, unconditionally.

I am glad you went to a meeting, remember to take what you like and leave the rest. About seeking help through strangers as a weakness, it is not. It took me a life time to acquire my character defects, and all the people involved have had something to do with it all. But it is on me and my higher power to remove my character defects and if being around strangers who are healthy helps me than that is not a weakness, its an asset. The fact that I work my program and attend al-anon meetings is now one of my favorite characteristics about me. I can actually say I am thankful for my AH's crisis and drama, because it allowed my life to become unmanageable, which allowed me to seek al-anon. It has saved my life.

I was really sad too after my first few al-anon meetings. I cried a couple times in the room and in my car... I was starting to grasp some awareness and it scared me. I was sad I had no control, that the power was an illusion, I was sad that alot of the stuff I had to own. But the awareness has been leading me to acceptance (progress not perfection.) Hope you keep coming back, Mimi, it works if you work it.

danni · Senior Member

Fantastic! Your insight and understanding after one meeting is nothing short of remarkable. It took a lot of courage to get yourself to that meeting, especially with how you were feeling. You used your courage to change the things you can, and that is what this is all about-- redirecting our life's focus and energy where it belongs: on ourselves. Keep coming back! It can and does get better. sending you support, understanding and admiration

1 day at a time · Member

omg.u got all of that out of your fist meeting.i am so proud of you!it must had taken me at least 6 to figure even half of what u have learned.keep going back be hungry for knowledge and understanding.u will find these people are your friends and in time will become like family.

stephaniej · Senior Member

Mimi, I am so glad you made it to a meeting!

I also have an AH who, while his background is different from your ABF's, has a very macho view of his drinking. I think a big source of his anger issues related to his drinking have to do with this: His macho self (and his macho occupation, where it is 99.999% men, and everyone drinks and/or uses drugs) would never EVER admit he was powerless over something as dumb as alcohol. To not be in control of alcohol means to not be a real man. BUT, he is also increasingly aware that his drinking is affecting the time he spends with his son. The more he drinks, the more he sleeps. He works evenings, so normally his time with our son would be in the morning when I leave for work...he would spend time with our son, then take him to day care. But now he is too tired/hungover/whatever to get out of bed. For WEEKS I have been taking our son to day care 4-5 days a week, and the only time my AH sees him is on the weekends (when he drinks all day and often involves himself in a project that takes him away from his son anyway).

My AH will talk endlessly about how he always wanted kids, and how he waited for the right person (he was 35 when our son was born) and how much he loves our son. I don't doubt his love for our son one bit. It is powerful and meaningful. I know he feels terribly guilty that he doesn't see much of our son now. While he tries to blame it on the fact that he works evenings, I can tell that he is increasingly aware that the alcohol is a big factor.

So he is left with a dilemma...either he has total control over his drinking, making him macho and a "real man," who is CHOOSING to drink and therefore CHOOSING beer over time with his son every single day; or he is an alcoholic with no control over his drinking, which helps him feel less guilty about missing time with our son but makes him feel like an unmacho "pansy."

Even when my AH was sober, he would never truly admit that he was powerless over alcohol. He would couch it in terms of "having a hard time drinking only one beer," but he would never ever say he was powerless. As recently as two months ago, when he was approaching 60-70 cans of beer a week (a milestone he has since blown way past), he kept describing his drinking as "responsible."

Please keep coming back. Whether your husband asks for or accepts help is HIS journey. You are on your own path, you are here for help and support, and that is a GOOD thing!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

If you have a chance get the book Getting them Sober. Sobriety often is a difficult thing for so many of us to embrace. Many people get sober and decide the issue is all someone else. That is so so common.

In Getting them Sober the author actually says it is pretty hard to get rid of an alcoholic. So many of us have abandonment issues. Most of my life people got to play on that I had them. Then I started to deal with them and could no longer be so easily manipulated.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.