The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Boundaries seem to be a big theme in my life as of late. We have a new lady in one of my woman's groups and well she just rubs me wrong. She asks persoanl questions and is just too nosy for me. What I am learning from her, is instead to give up any information I am not comfortable with and left feeling violated like my first 2 run ins with her, I now have a plan to protect myself from her line of questioning. It is my job to set boundaries and stick to them and I have had issues with this even with my exAH lately.
I know the problem is not them since it keeps smacking me across the forehead, so I guess it is time to really take a look at this and get firmer on this one. I love when something comes at me from so many places that eventually I have to look within and say okay time to make the changes I can! I am trying to accept my humanness and not get mad at myself over this. Progress not perfection. Before I would have been ranting and raving about this lady and how she wronged me and played the victim about it, but now I know it is mine to own. I have a plan to say what I mean, mean what I say without saying it mean when I feel her or anyone prying into my persoanl life. It is my power to give away or not and I choose not to. Thanks for letting me vent!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I love how you know you are not a victim, you seem to know you've been playing a part in this, and that is healthy awareness.
I have come to believe that life is not happening to me.... but FOR ME. The Universe just kinda shines a light on areas that I need to heal from.
I can soooo relate to this situation, it happened to me a lot too, I'd just tell my life story, wear my heart right here on my sleeve, I was a wide open book for anyone's asking....
What I found in recovery, I do NOT want to burn bridges... recovery is about BUILDING bridges. I don't have to fear how I handled things in the past, I can change. When I have a problem, the problem is ME.... not the people walking around with all their issues. I am the one who needs to adjust.... because there will be another and another out there, the universe gives me lots of opportunity to learn this stuff, and it's a simple fix.
My sponsor taught me, "If you do inventory work EVERY TIME you get a resentment, you begin to realize the person you are actually angry with is YOURSELF." If I knew how to handle myself better, I wouldn't be experiencing this.
I found it's a whole lot more pleasant to have a sense of humor about it. All I have to say, quickly and lightheartedly is, "I'd hate to spoil the day by getting into all that!" and move on. Or, " I'd love to chat, but I can't right now." I have had to say it every time I saw this person, and that's okay, they stop asking after a while.
My sponsor told me to start gentle with telling people 'no.' Like, 'no, thank you, that won't work for me.' If they don't get it after that, it's a more firm 'no.' Only after the third time (three is kinda the magic number) do I have to practically get to the point and say "absolutely not!!" Unfortunately, some people WILL NOT hear the word 'no.'
Boundaries not meant to be a set of "new rules for how people are to treat me from now on." I didn't know that in the beginning. A boundary is just a new behavior that I do for me, to take care of myself. I stop allowing myself to lose my serenity. "I" stay away, or "I" limit my time, etc. etc. They can be flexible and changeable and removable. As I moved on in recovery, things didn't bother me like they once did, so I removed the boundary.
Good luck! I'll bet that soon, you'll be grateful for this experience. ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 9th of February 2012 08:54:57 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
(((breakingfree))) Was that a vent? Gee, it's sure mild and polite compared to some of my ranting vents, lol! I find myself having a similar problem lately. People saying inappropriate things (usually about my A) or asking inappropriate questions-sometimes about my A, sometimes about all kinds of other things. It's been happening so much recently that I've decided I need to give this some thought on how to act (not react) the next time it happens. I haven't got it quite figured out, but I'm working on it. You said ¨It is my power to give away or not and I choose not to.¨ I love that! Thanks for sharing.
I'm so glad you posted this, Breakingfree!! I'm dealing with some very similar 'boundary' issues myself! Especially at work with people who seem so intrusive and who, like you said, just rub me the wrong way sometimes. I love how I'm able to take some of the tools I've learned about in Al Anon and apply them to my work place in addition to my personal home life! I'm not saying I'm always good at using those tools, ha ha, but I'm learning to recognize certain things and am able to (at times!) stop myself from reacting the way I used to. I love what you said about accepting your humanness, and especially the "Progress not perfection" line. I think I might tape that to my computer today! Kudos and hugs to you!
A woman asked me if i was pregnant yesterday. She said I was glowing and happy looking and have been for a while now. I wanted to say "no, it's al-anon.. and thats rude to ask" instead I said "I am just happy with life." Later I emailed her and asked that she not ask me that again. I said its a "touchy subject for me" and that it hurts because of the miscarriages I have had. I did not say it mean but I meant what I said and I said what I meant. She wrote back and apologized. I told her that it was a-ok, I was not angry with her. The end. I dropped it. I saw her today, said hello, smiled. The old me, before al-anon woudl have gossiped alot about how unthoughtful this lady is. blah blah blah. What I realize now is, she was not trying to hurt me, I was hurt because of myself, because of my trauma. So I told her. I think I handled it very maturely. Great topic, BF, I think there are alot of people that just dont think before they speak, including me at times (THINK THINK THINK THINK!) and I am learning not to take ANYTHING personally anymore and to stop being one of the many who do not think before I speak. Thanks for sharing.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
great post. I'm rubbed up the wrong way lots of time. A new girl started where I worked and got all the hours. She was gossiping about me and labelling me behind my back. At first I was snippy towards her. Now I completely ignore her. If she tries to draw me in I don't respond. All she gets is hello, no goodbye and most of the time if she asks a question I say I don't know.
Boundaries are such a great test of our program.
I have nosy neighbors. The good thing is they are globally nosy and if I don't feed them they have plenty of other people to be nosy about.
