Ouch - Al-Anon Family Group

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Ouch

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

Pushka, I totally identify with what you are expressing. Just remember you are strong and need time to adjust to your 'new normal'. Be thankful that you are now in a situation where you can have quiet and peace and can focus on you. Just being able to take a deep breath and think about how you want your home life to be must be amazing, I dream of having the same options one day. Stay strong, hugs and prayers! :)

danni · Senior Member

It is really an honor to get a glimpse of your process and recovery. I like how you allow for all kinds of feelings to exsist in this situation, and I am offering you as much cyber support as possible!

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs!!!! Thank you for sharing!

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember that time so well, my life, as I knew it, had come crashing down all around me, it felt so devastating and it all seemed so "bad" and "wrong".....

It's four years later, and I'm here to tell you, that my life was actually coming together, I just didn't know it. All that old stuff, including my old thinking, had to be smashed so that I could experience the life I have now. On the outside, some people "feel sorry" for me, the material things are gone, lol. They have no clue, the peace I have today. The Universe completely loves and supports me! Now I know, things always unfold as they should.

In the beginning, I went through the same as you, first I felt like an enormous reject as a divorcing woman, I felt like a "discard" even though I was the one who filed, haha. And I began noticing all the women who had a wedding ring, "everyone but ME" is what my head told me. Of course, that was not true. I began to notice all the couples holding hands and my head told me, "You are the only single person alive, what's wrong with YOU?!!" My head can tell me a lot of lies and I believe them, that's my problem, lol. My dis-ease wants to take me down, totally and completely... to panic, and do something else out of FEAR that will mess up my life.

I will admit, I got into an internet relationship for awhile, I used someone's attention to fill that hole in me. We are not unlike alcoholic/addicts who just keep substituting people and things to make us feel okay about ourselves, we keep grabbing the next thing, and the next thing. I used this man to validate me as a woman, so that my head could say, "You are still desirable." Well, it did not work out, and I had to feel the pain of yet another loss.

At that time, I finally "heard" the humility piece of the program, and I knew I had to make it real. I had to finally get my spiritual life in order. I began to memorize a few favorite lines from the Big Book regarding fear, including the Fear Prayer. I began to enjoy my life, often I would go to the park with my dogs with some take-out food, I carried a chair to sit and draw or read.. under that big, vast sky. I began to really enjoy myself. And when I observed couples at that time, I said to myself, "Yes God, I am open to that, when the time is right." I stopped fantasizing that their lives were so much better than mine, for all I knew, they were going home to a fighting match, lol

I keep a prayer in my book, a Prayer for Awareness during Stress, it reminds me that I have choices... I can choose my peaceful meditative mind, or I can run with my obsessive mind, my endless fearful stories. The goal is to stop that negative thinking and replace it with Higher power. My thinking is ALWAYS what causes me to suffer.

It's going to be okay, you'll see. It will come together because of your sheer WILLINGNESS, that's how it worked for me. I did exactly what you're doing, I physically sat myself in the middle of the fellowship with an open mind, and I just let God have God's way ((big hugs))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It is a hard transition. If you can, for me going into a quiet place to read or just lay there and close my eyes was so refreshing.

It's weird but I have a fan on me every night. I funkied it onto my metal bedpost. I have this nice very heavy metal bed frame, then here is this little fan duct taped on it,lol

I am telling you a fan puts me to sleep. I also have a cpap now, but it hurts my nose...

anyway eleven days eleven years...does not matter, you have a right to your feelings. My first husband has been gone since 81 and there are times I can hardly breath from sobbing!

Your kiddo sounds so wise and precious. YOU keep coming and sharing. I am so proud of you. love,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel like my life has been in a holding pattern ever since the original DUI date, even before that I knew things weren't right. I almost feel like I've been mourning a relationship I already knew was dead. I did a similar thing in my first marriage as well. DUH .. coping mechanism. I started to feel the knots and even being at the house today with his mom (our washer is out) I realized that I didn't feel bad and I didn't good either. I was happy to visit with her and see how she's doing.

UGH .. the filling the hole inside me .. I've really been focused and reminded that happiness is an inside job and nothing outside of me is going to make it better. The only thing outside me that offers any cure is HP. I can see how easy it would be to get distracted by any kind of relationship. I just absolutely have no desire really on a healthy level to meet anyone. I'm scared to death.

LOL .. over share much? I know I do .. lol. Character defect and asset, maybe someone else needs to read what I've typed and know it's totally freaky to look and go what next. It will be ok, just because that's just how life is, no matter what 6am comes at the same time every day.

The kids are out of the house during the week and that helps, because I can really focus on First Thing First and it has given me so much calm. I desperately need to get a hobby because I don't want to go down the road of obsession of him him him him .. lol .. I just want to be with ME and MY thoughts.

There is no trust for me with him and I truly hope for the children he abides by what he has said he will do. He truly will be his father's son if he doesn't follow through on his commitment. He really doesn't know where the lies end and the truth begins.

Anyway, I really appreciate everyone on this site and just having an outlet to release what is inside of me. HA HA .. I would be having a CNN moment and lighting that dang truck on fire with out the program of alanon. :)

Hugs P :)

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been separated since Nov 2010 (after a 28 year marriage to an AH) ..dated a bit...fell hard for one guy...and am still REALLY struggling with not having a man in my life....I feel like a failure.

I am only 48..but grew up in a time where so much of our identity was being a wife. I am really scared too. Despite being a very successful professional person...I don't know how to live without a man in my life. Please don't judge me for this, I'm just being honest.

I live in a rural, cold place...where I have to shovel snow, do all the house repairs, lug wood...etc...and I am learning that I don't need a man per se...but I sure do WANT one.

I want to be held. I want to feel attractive. I want someone to want me.

I know I need to work on ME...so much of my life has been codependent...but I really don't know how to be single and happy.
so Pushka, if you figure it out, let me know. smile

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

As far as the hobby goes... You have lots of options. For me I really enjoy working out, being that the gym or running or walking outside. When I walk or run outside I have amazing conversations with HP.

I know you live in a colder climate then I do so this might not be an option but I wanted to share.

HUGS!!!!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Ok .. I've really been going on whims .. LOL .. I live also in a rural area and honestly have no desire to date in town. I'm kind of over doing any work in that regard meaning if someone is that interested they know where to find me .. lol.

I'm thinking archery or fencing as hobbies something that would be a release. It's probably better than putting a gun in my hands at the moment .. lol .. I'm actually a crack shot and have been on rifle teams in high school. I qualified Expert. Anyway I like hand eye coordination things, love to shoot pool things like that. Since we are rural I could set up an archery deal and there are clubs here in town. I would love to learn to fence though.

Exercise is at the top of my list at the moment and we will be getting back our gym membership .. lol .. of course the family one. There is so much irony in that statement. :)

A girlfriend of mine suggested that I live my life and not worry about the man issue. Meaning get out and be with girlfriends, have plans, do things that make me happy. The man issue if I choose will resolve itself. I like that idea. I agree .. I would love to be held and it's hard to sleep alone after so many years of having someone next to me. I love cuddling and literally I'm a second blanket in that way. I miss that part of things so much.

Reprof, .. I so get what you are saying and ironically I have the same issue with wood, snow and so on. I get the whole having a man in my life I always have .. I can see right this min that it wasn't very emotionally fulfilling. Right now my husband is willing to do some of the major things. I've got to get a plan B going on. I think it's interesting that he stuck me in the middle of no where and decided to leave .. I mean really .. lol. He wants his options however by golly I better not have any because I need to be right here where he can find me! That is so not on my agenda. I'm so much more than someone to be settled for OR to settle.

Hugs P :)

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

"where we stand now, in the ruins, what we build can be anything."

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You are inspiring. Growing hurts but you are doing it and that is commendable.

ythannah · Senior Member

I know how you feel, Pushka. It wasn't so long ago that I came to the realization that at some level I "need" a relationship. Took me quite a bit to admit that to myself as I am very comfortable being physically alone, sometimes prefer it in fact as I grew up an only child, plus I have long held this image of myself as a strong, independent person. "Need a man? Not me!" -- ha. It was pretty tough to acknowledge that neediness did exist within me.

Now I'm able to see it almost as comforting, in a strange way. At least it explains why I stayed in unhealthy relationships long past the point of wanting to be there. Couple that with my low self-esteem, which led me to become involved in relationships not because I chose my partners for their good qualities but simply out of gratefulness that they liked me and you have a recipe for disaster. My own behaviour really bewildered me at times, but now I can see what was going on for me.

And awareness is the first step to acceptance, then action. smile

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad Lee --

Thank you for your post. I am in a similar situation -- I am divorcing now and for a while participated in a relationship -- that was wonderfully distracting...but now it is ended..and I'm left with the loss of that relationship AND my marriage.

It's hard to believe and trust that things can be good again...it helps ME to know that fellow travelers have found their way.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I relate to rebounding right afterward when I split form my exAH that left me facing myself with even more heartbreak, but being alone has been the greatest growth time I have ever had without the distraction and though I still fight staying alone, I choose to for now. My Mom can not be without a man and that is another thing from her I would like to break until I am fully ready and healthier to be able to make a better choice. I am sending you love and support!!!!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I would think that transferring all of that pain to someone who was "new" and there is no history of being let down to be totally let down again .. that would be a suname (sp?) of feelings that would hammer anyone to the floor. It holds back all the pain and brought up those good feelings that maybe aren't the healthy ones.

My mom left my dad and then was in another relationship at the time .. I remember her being a shell of a person emotionally when that relationship ended, as a kid that made such an imprint on me. She couldn't function on a daily basis it was awful, I was probably 10 at the time. I remember vividly the people coming in and out of the house because her friends didn't want to leave her alone. It was a lot of years before I saw her come back and even then I just saw how bad she had to have a relationship. That's what I remember most about those years. Her choices were not good ones. There is no blame it is just a fact of my perception of what I saw.

Only child as well here, so yes, really didn't think I had much of an issue with neediness or I had dealt with it ... lol .. yup band aide in terms of being in a relationship. The good news is I am not as needy as I was when I got into this relationship, .. now I'm really just amazed by the process of it all. It's still there it just manifests itself in different ways. I'm so grateful on so many levels that this has come down the way it has only because as Mark pointed out growth hurts and I've got serious growing pains going on .. and maybe I'm just in huge denial right now about where my life is at .. nothing has really changed and yet everything has changed. Nothing motivates like pain and that's again just where I am at .. I just want to feel and that's such a great thing! Living hurts sometimes .. it's the most amazing day outside even though it's 33 degrees .. lol. I know I'm loved and cared for, maybe not by the person I thought would be there however by people who are in my life in so many different ways.

Oh, .. I slept so good and so long last night it was great!!! I got 8 hours literally fell asleep about 730 watching tv with the kids and woke up at 930 to my daughter getting the boy ready for bed .. lol. She's such a great kid. She hadn't wanted to wake me knowing that I've been up really early. Went back to bed about 11ish and slept until 6 .. it was wonderful!! I did wake a tad between 4 - 6 the best part was I didn't feel the need to get up. I feel really good though and it's a good thing.

Anyway, I'm so grateful for this forum and knowing that I can come here and share whatever is on my mind or in my heart. Hugs P :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember the first months after I shook off my distraction or band aide relationship that I clang to for a few months until I realized how unhealthy it was. It was so hard, but freeing and nice to start a new relaxed little family cycle with my kids. My oldest always comes home from her 2 days at her dads saying it is so much more relaxed here. My exAH is very controlling, nothing terrible, but loves to throw his weight around and have a say in everything. My oldest gets straight A's and will be 14 years old in a week and gets herself up for school everyday showers and makes her own lunch, babysits for me to work a few evenings a week and is just a great kid that doesn't need to be overly scrutinized. I think it is good for her to see he cares as long as its not hurtful for her. She helps me cook and does her chores than gets to be a kid and go to all the kid events and plays guitar and sings in a band, plays sports and has friends over almost 1 night each weekend. I am careful to not give her too many responsibilities, however in my situation some are necessary and haven't hurt her. She reads Al-ateen books since we have no meetings in our area and has been to counseling a year and a half ago when it was all new. It is hard to grow and all the changes at once can be overwhelming, I remember not sleeping much and having anxiety, but after awhile I fell back into routines and kept myself busy with healthy things. I am sending you much love and support and love to hear your growth!

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

I really appreciate this thread!!! It's amazing to read the ESH!!! Thank you!

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