I wasn't either, whatever work you do it will continue to lighten your emotional load totally agreed!! In all healing sometimes things just take time and while it may not seem like things are moving fast they are moving exactly at the pace they should be. Be easy on yourself. I can so relate because I am really working with my own 8 year old and she wants what she wants, it's really frustrating. I'm also really working on turning her over to my HP and letting Him soothe her.

Hugs P :)

Here is the letter.. sorry you couldn't open it. The guys on the ACA board opened it... maybe I added it wrong on this board.. but here it is anyway.



Hey there little girl. You look about 7
You don't know me but I know you. I know you are scared of your big sister and you don't like her, but you feel like you are supposed to like her. I know you feel like you do everything wrong most of the time.
You are scared to make people angry. You don't like it when your mum is upset or not happy. And you really hate it if you think you have made her upset.
I know that when you have some nice food you feel better. Your mum leaves you a nice present of food when you get home from school sometimes hey. You are embarrassed about eating, so sometimes you do it in private or make up excuses for more food. I know you feel confused and angry a lot and you get angry with your little friends. I know you think you are really fat and ugly.
I know you really hate it when someone is better than you at something, or you can't do something. You get really angry at that. You want to be good at things to prove that you are good. I know you really hate being told what to do, or told that you have done something wrong.
I was there when you accidentally hurt Carolyn in the bath with the hot water. You didn't know that you had to turn the hot off first and then the cold. Everyone was so nice to her when she was hurt and cried, and you felt stupid and wrong. I saw how angry that made you and you were happy that she was hurt. I know how angry you were when she got on your trampoline and could jump better than you. She is so much younger than you.. how can she be better. It is obvious to you that older people are supposed to be better and smarter and now even that little cute blonde girl is better than you are I know you wanted to push her off the trampoline so she would hurt herself. Soooo much anger in a little body, so much hate.
I think it is really sad that you feel that way so young.
You love your big brother a lot too. He takes you to his girlfriends mums house with him and you stay there overnight. Its confusing for you, but you know you want to be wherever he is. You know you are all ok when you are with him. He loves you all the time and never makes you feel stupid or unwanted. You love him a lot.
The same goes for your Mum. You just want to be with her. If you are with her, then you know it will be ok too, and you can watch out for her too. Its confusing when sometimes you wake up and your Mum is gone, sometimes you are alone, sometimes your sister is there. Its hard to understand. Sometimes you go for sleep overs with your older brothers. I was with you when you slept in the back of the car while Mum made the phone calls from the public phone box to your brothers or when you were put to sleep in that biiiig bed at your other brothers. You like it when you get to stay in bed with Mum until Dad gets home and you both watch him and laugh at his funny walk. You don't like it when you have to go back to your own bed. I know you don't feel safe around your big sister.
You love your Dad too. Nobody else does. You keep getting told not to be his friend but you know he is good to you. He doesn't get angry with you. He doesn't hurt you. You have seen him cry. Your Mum gets angry and upset when he is around and you know your sister hates him. But that is all just normal isn't it that's just the way things are.
There are things you don't know and things you don't understand yet. You are only a little girl.

That feeling you get when you think you have made someone upset with you that is not a nice feeling at all is it. Its kinda like being scared. You don't know what will happen. You have done something wrong, said something wrong, When you do something wrong to your sister, bad things happen to you. Dad gets upset when he says Mum has done something wrong. Mum gets upset when she says Dad has done something wrong. I know you just don't want to make any one upset and doing things wrong upsets people. It doesn't matter what you do, you always seem to think you do things wrong though.
You feel ok when you talk to the trees or your pet. Your Cat Tammy really understands you. She always loves you and you do your best to never ever hurt her. How could your Mum hurt her so bad by killing her kittens as they came out of her? You saw that didn't you. How could your Mum be so cruel to kill them kittens like that. Drown them.. ohhh poor Tammy. Her babies have all been killed because she got pregnant. You are so careful with your books, you toys. If you break them, then they will be upset. I remember that balloon you lost out the window. You really feel like that balloon would have thought that you did not like it because you let it go, you wanted to get the balloon back so it didn't feel like you meant to upset it, you didn't mean to leave it, you didn't mean to be sooo unthinking.. you know how hurtful it is when something is made to feel like it isn't liked. I know that for you.. Everything has feelings.
So you see I do know you.
I also know you cry when you have to walk across to Callisthenics after school. Those girls are slim, good at it and you are not. You have fun once you are there and the girls are nice to you most of the time. The teacher gets annoyed because you have difficulty learning the routines and you can't really do the exercises the same. You are fat compared to those girls. You cry because you don't want to leave your Mum. You like being with Mum. You feel calmer if you are around Mum.
Do you want to know what I think. I think you were scared about what might happen to Mum. When we are little like you are, we think that everyone is angry at us when they are angry or upset. Sometimes, they are just angry at other things, not us at all. At your age we take everything personally, and that's ok. That is normal and natural, I am not saying you are wrong. What you feel is right. I am here to help you make sure that as you grow up, those feelings don't grow up with you because I know they will get us into a lot of trouble in the future.

I know that things were ok if you were around. Your Dad liked you so the fighting wasn't as bad if you were there. Your mum left you at home because she knew if you were at home, your Dad would be ok and you would be ok. He wouldn't hurt you. When you weren't around, bad things happened to your Mum. When Mum wasn't' around, bad things happened to you if you were with your sister. You and Mum were safe if you were with your brothers. But no matter what you did, people did not stay happy for long. If you were always wrong, would your brother love you as much as he does? He doesn't say you are wrong or speak harshly to you.
If there is something that I can say to you that may help you out at the moment is Its OK. You are not upsetting anyone and you are not the cause of anything that other people do or say. I know your sister says that you are the problem with everything and she acts like she hates you some days ad then loves you the next day. That is really confusing. I know you don't have anyone to protect you from her because no one else knows what she does to you. Mum really likes her and she always tells you how much she does for you. I am here to tell you, that you are not to blame for her bad moods. One day you will do something and its right, next day the same thing is wrong that is not your fault. That is her problem.
I am really sorry that you feel the way you do all the time. I can see a kid that is really anxious all the time. That is not right at 7 years old. I think you are a pretty cool kid and I like you. I know you just want people to like you, you will learn that people do like you. In fact, they love you. I like you and I won't hurt you. In the future, if we don't work on this, you will go with people who say they like you, for you to be liked and it will turn out bad. I want you to know you are likeable now and that being corrected, is a good thing. (Paedophile story, he liked you and you liked him but that got him into trouble and your sister angry with you, really confusing stuff. If that is what sex did. You liked the feeling that man gave you, he liked you and stuff and you weren't hurt)

Adult Linda has to learn to like the little kid that she thought no one liked. How do I learn to like the little kid that I thought was so hated. This letter is to a 7 year old my first suicidal thought is only a 5 years away.
These kid things have meant that I have control issues around what people do. I have to feel in control to know what is going to happen. Even if that means that I am 'there and around' in a bad situation. As long as I am with someone.. I will be ok. AS long as that person is happy then I will be ok, even if that means I am not ok. This goes against the grain as I know some things are wrong and I don't want them in my life (eg sex stuff and drugs) and this sets up inconsistencies. I try to argue.. to be right.. but I just get hurt in the process. I can't let other people be themselves and me be me and I can't see that if that means that I am not with that person, then that ok.. to me it isn't ok. I have to make things right again. That means that person has to change their behaviour because its hard for me to be wrong. Being wrong sets me off in a spin. Doing something wrong sets me spinning. If I am wrong then I have let someone down, I am stupid. Peter reinforced this big time as an Adult. Rob reinforced as an adult that I have to make the man happy or I get hurt. I still argued all the time.

I have to learn that being wrong is ok.
Adult Linda knows I am loveable, and that I didn't do anything wrong. I am NOT wrong. I just have to find others that agree with that statement. Is that why every little negative feedback effects me so bad? Am I still struggling to show others that I am NOT wrong and I AM loveable for more than just sex?? Stubborn is what I have been called.