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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New Here
Post Info TOPIC: New Here
Ariel


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New Here
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I welcome any words of wisdom. I've been living with an AB for 4 years. We have a son together who is almost 3. It's a long story. When we met, I was going through a divorce from a very nice man- I just wasn't in love and thought I could find a fairy tale. I found a nightmare. I was single for a year before I met my AB. We had fun, partied, and quickly fell in love. Looking back, I see that he fell in love with me/alcohol. After 3 months, he quit his job to take "time off". One month after I was pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant I immediately quit drinking, smoking, everything. My life expectations and way of living completely shifted. However, his didn't and he started to resent me. Instead of being supportive, he would sleep until noon while I worked, cleaned, cared for my daughter. He would retreat to the garage to drink while I was left inside alone. I threatened, begged, pleaded for him to stop partying and get a job. On weekends he would leave for sometimes days to party with friends. It went from bad to worse. I was paying all of the bills, cleaning, cooking, and running a business. I was mortified that not only was I a single mom, he didn't want to marry me. He still doesn't. Resentments built up. He would come home after 2-3 days of partying and I would scream and cry. He was never sorry; I was "crazy, and needed help.". I once took a tennis racket and hit a magazine rack until I hyperventilated, pregnant and desperate. He never let me forget it, and told friends and family members. He learned how to push buttons and get to me. To push me to the point of wanting to strangle him. And still refused to work, telling me "as long as you are working, I don't need to." At my baby shower, friends brought wine. He took this as an opportunity to get wasted and invited a friend over even after it was over, instead of just hanging out with me. He got so drunk he laid in our baby's crib, refused to come to bed, and generally told me to 'xxxx' he was going to do what he wanted. When he came to bed I threw water in his face after he called me a name. He laughed. I started throwing his clothes down the stairs and told him to move out. He blocked the closet, put me in a stranglehold, choked me and threw me across the room. I called 911. This was the first of many- the last time I was punched in the face in front of my son. Even with photographs and police reports he still denies he ever touched me. The domestic abuse has stopped, but the drinking hasn't, and he still won't work, and calls himself a stay at home dad. Which he is not. I could go on and on and on. I've NEVER gotten an apology. It has been a 4 year mess. When I've thrown him out, he only gets what he wants, which is to party for weeks at a time without the responsibility of children, a home, finances. I am left at home, utterly overwhelmed with kids and a business to run. After a few weeks alone I would welcome a hobo into my home, just to get some help. He still retreats to his "wife," alcohol, at 8 pm, and spends time with her until 3 am. I've never gotten a gift, a date, an apology, in 4 years. When I met him it was quite the opposite. When he comes back after being gone its heaven- for about a week. When he is not drinking he is a terrible, awful dry drunk. I'm miserable. I'm stuck in a prison of love for him, wanting him to change, wanting to help him, and being unhappy because he is so mean, selfish, and uncaring. Please help.



-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 8th of February 2012 01:26:56 AM

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Pushka


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Hugs and welcome Ariel,

I hope you will consider going to a face to face alanon meetings in your area sooner than later. The 3 C's is what was given to me on this board, .. I didn't cause the addiction, I can't control the addiction and I won't cure the addiction.

It does get better especially when we take the focus off of the addict and start putting the same effort into ourselves. Most of all, the addiction is not about us, the lying, the drinking, the stealing, cheating you name it .. it has nothing to do with us personally.

Keep coming back because you are so worth it!!

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
ilovedogs


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Without going overboard here, I want to know what you see in this guy to let him keep coming around? I have a feeling you love him, but why? Is it that one week of heaven? Al Anon would be a great place for you to start and hopefully it will get you doing some soul searching to see what it is you really want in your life and for your son. As children get older, they remember more and become more impressionable to our examples. I know I did a crappy job of putting up with verbal abuse from a dry drunk (my AH) for years and now my son has an anxiety disorder, panic attacks, and has tics. This all developed slowly over the years of him being exposed to my AH yelling and screaming and ranting and raving. Not saying that all kids will develop these problems, mine was just predisposed to these issues because my AH's family is riddled with depression, anxiety, learning disabilities, etc and I'm guessing that some of his issues are hereditary as well as environmental influenced. I just wish I had a program like Al Anon in the beginning, maybe I could have helped him in the early years by coping better and handling my AH's anger and anxiety better for myself? Whatever you do, remember you are doing it for yourself and your son. Hugs and prayers to you!

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Struggling to find me......
Breakingfree


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Hi and welcome to MIP! I hope you are able to find meetings in your area. I can relate to your share and the book " Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was very helpful. Sending you love and support!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
danni


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Oh, I am sending you so much support. I hope your the sake of your sanity and the well being of your child, you will consider going to some Al Anon meetings. I know you are overwhelmed and overworked, but it sounds like you could really use some help and support and help and support are available. You don't need to spend you life in a "prison". There have been some posts this week from people who have been physically abused and the support and resources they were given in the responses may be helpful for you as well. Keep coming back and posting here. I am so glad you found us here. Welcome! It can and does get better.

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Debilyn


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The abuse has not stopped. PLEASE I invite you to call Dept. of Human Services and get a contact number for a domestic abuse group.

This is not love this is a very abused woman being controlled by manipulation and fear.

There is no way, if you were well you would put up with this. This is not addiction causing him to be abusive, he is an abuser. He has crossed the line and you do not know when he will again. If he does it in front of the kids that is even worse, he has no conscience.

Al Anon meetings are vital also.However they will do no good when your house is burning down, your children are being abused and you are dead.

This is VERY real and does happen. Its hard for us to see when we are so manipulated and sick. I know you love your kids, that comes out in your writing, they are being abused. I am very much protective of children. This upheaval is totally totally abuse!

Hon you keep saying you want an apology. That is just words, means zero. He does not care, he does not love anyone right now. Its a disease, he is sick.

I am in fear of your safety. Very much so. Please keep us updated. love,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Ariel


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Thank you for the replies. I know that I need to go to alanon, it's just very hard to find time. I have read the book, "Getting Them Sober" vol. I & II. It helped a lot. Now I'm dealing with him hiding alcohol. I cut off the money, so he can't buy it & is getting it from our neighbor. He is now a dry drunk, and it is worse than ever. One minute he is cruel, the next he acts like nothing ever happened and nice. Then he is agitated again, and singing at the top of his lungs to get under my skin (something he has always done when agitated, too). I know he is unhappy, but he will not do anything to help himself. I'm not sure whether I tell him to go to rehab, or have an intervention. He literally has no life tools, has never had a real job, and has no idea how to healthily communicate with others. He is 28, and has been drinking since he was 16. And that is how old he seems, emotionally. I so badly want to help him, for him to get a job, be a real partner, want to marry me after everything I've done for him. Why is so wrong with me that he would not want that? I know that is illogical, but that's where my self-esteem is.

Again, thank you for the replies. I have mostly heard, "kick him out, why are you staying with him," or my personal favorite, "I just don't know what to tell you".

I don't know why I'm hanging on. Maybe it's fear of taking care of the kids and running a biz alone; dating again because in your 30s with kids it's horrible out there & I can't imagine doing that again; fear that he never really loved me at all; fear of losing him; fear of giving up after 4 years and a son.

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Michelle814


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Al-Anon has saved my life and it can save yours too. Consider face to face meetings, they have changed my world. Keep reading and posting on this board!! Welcome!!

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Michelle!

No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Ariel


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Debilyn, I just read your post. I was abused as a child, and am too very protective of my kids. The domestic violence has not happened in 1.5 years now, but he is emotionally abusive to me. I would never let him even raise a voice to my kids. He knows that and is very good to them. I am the target for his frustration with life and unhappiness. It very much reminds me of growing up with my father & not knowing what to expect, his moods were so severe. And it is cyclical. This happens every few weeks/months where I feel he is building up to binge drink.

I promise to go to alanon. Right now I'm taking it minute by minute, and that is the best I can do. I truly know I deserve more- I just may be stuck in trying to change him, and hope that he will go to rehab.

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TLD


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Oh Ariel, I can really relate to your posts. It is so hard, but please keep in mind your safety and your children's safety. I know it's been pointed out but you need to have a safety plan. I have bags in the trunk of my car and emergency numbers handy. If I have to leave with my daughter, I can do it in a minute. It seems that if they are not working a program, then it's even harder to deal with.
I find the face to face meetings so helpful and it is such a peaceful place where you can feel safe and secure.
Huge hugs and lots of support, glad you came here and keep coming back!!

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Iris lover of dogs


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Ariel,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My impression is that you are struggling with hope - wanting so badly for it to change, hoping it will change. I never had the physical abuse, but I know the hope feeling - it was like my personal addiction. I think it comes down to realizing (like so many others have said) - we didn't create their problem, AND WE CAN'T FIX IT. This was so hard for me to accept. I've always felt that if I just worked hard enough, gave enough, then it HAD to happen . . . but we REALLY CANNOT HELP THEM - they must help themselves. That is actually a very important part of their journey. So I encourage you to take all the love and caring that are pouring towards him, and give it to you. Know that you are doing the best that you can at this point in time; that you can get through this; but you must help yourself get to a place where you will know what your next steps must be. This is my thought - that you are still struggling to accept your powerlessness. But from personal experience, I can say that there is such relief in that acceptance. At least for me, it was like I suddenly had permission to take care of myself, just by acknowledging that my only my AH could help my AH, because then I realized, only I can help ME.

Sending support and prayers your way, -iris

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Iris lover of dogs
Lindaoakford


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HI.

We here will never tell you to leave or stay.  What we may do is help you to ask yourself some questions so you can make that decision for yourself.

You stated "I don't know why I'm hanging on. Maybe it's fear of taking care of the kids and running a biz alone; dating again because in your 30s with kids it's horrible out there & I can't imagine doing that again; fear that he never really loved me at all; fear of losing him; fear of giving up after 4 years and a son"

What I read in that is that you have two kids and your son is with this father is that correct?  The daughter is from your ex husband? 

You are a very capable woman running a business, looking after two kids and a house and dealing with this man in your life.

What I read from your post is that you are already doing it alone... What is it that he contributes ina positive way at this point in time.  That is an acutal question.. there is always more to the story than what we chose to write here.

What I read is a fear of dating because its horrible out there... I would encourage you to ask yourself what is so great about what you are doing now?  How is that better?  You also talk about the fear of giving up... I encourage you to do an inventory of what it is you are giving up should you chose to not have him in your life anymore.  Look at the positive and negative things you will give up.  You may see that what you are 'giving up' has good and bad aspects to it.

For instance, you may be giving up the threat of verbal abuse. 

You may be giving up the constant negative example to your children.

You may be giving up having another person around in the house for you to feel that you are not alone.

Then I would encourage you to ask another question... What will I gain from not being in this relationship and what will I gain from remaining in this relationship.  (eg: I like having him around, I will gain having another person with me right now, I will gain more drinking around me if I stay, I will gain some insight to myself through Al Anon etc) 

Then ask the same question with your childrens name on the list.  What will they gain? (eg:  A good or bad role model on a daily basis, they will gain a stressed Mum and an Alcoholic Dad). 

do the pros and cons and see how you feel after that.



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