deflection - Al-Anon Family Group

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

deflection

Iris lover of dogs · Veteran Member

Hello all,

I've read this word - deflection - a number of times on a bunch of different posts in the last few days, and I want to know more about people's experiences with it! You see, for years, I think I haven't recognized it. I think I have been a sponge that automatically soaks up guilt. In my relationship with my AH, I have always wanted him to just be able to apologize, or to accept gentle relationship criticism, or even just to accept that our opinions differed on something. But he always adds a "but" - yes, I did that, said that, whatever, BUT this is why. BUT this is why you are wrong. He always says he is just providing 'context'. The other thing he has frequently done is what I think of as 'turning tables' (I love that Adele song - I so relate), where I say "I have a problem with you doing this", and his reply is 'you do the same thing'. In fact, he has equated my habit of fingernail biting with his drinking (you can't stop - you are addicted). He has often brought up things that I do that he equates to his drinking. For instance, my 'addiction to sugar' is just as harmful to my health as his drinking is to his. And when I say "it doesn't affect you", he says, "yes it does, you could become diabetic". You get the idea. It has literally driven me crazy at times, with not knowing what to think, what to believe . . . I mean, here is this man that I married, that is smart, that says he loves me, and that I (used to) trust, and he is telling me that my interpretation of the world is just not correct. So, is this deflection? Is this common with A's?

Ariel · Veteran Member

Iris, this is my life in a nutshell. It is amazing how their art of deflection keeps them in a bubble of never having to accept responsibility. My AB makes sure to keep a laundry list of things in his arsenal to use against me. Most of the time it's straight up repeating, which makes for an endless merry go round of arguing until I am left feeling worse than I did before.

The trick is not to engage or explain, use short sentences, and walk away. Once the arguing starts nothing gets resolved. He could burn down the house and it would somehow be your fault. Don't you sometimes feel like you are in a relationship with a lawyer? A crazy one:)

Detaching has really worked lately. I just started but it does wonders. Somehow they just know you mean business. So if my AB starts to argue I just say, "I meant what I said, these are the consequences, I'm done talking.". And he kind of squirms now.

I don't know if ou can send personal messages, but I would be happy to talk any time! Xoxo

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Ohhh I love love love the word deflection .. lol. We all do it it's not just relegated to A's. I think it's human nature to not want to accept that we were wrong or there is something going on with us. My daughter said to me early on when you point the finger at someone else there are 3 fingers pointing at ourselves. She's 12, ahhh .. that I was so wise at her age. We deflect when we focus outside of ourselves and don't focus on the issue at hand. As an example, when we are so focused on our A's (I'm going to call it singing the "hims" him did this and him did that) and stop focusing on ourselves we are truly just as guilty of deflection. I know where I deflect and I know where I don't, I can speculate where someone else is deflecting as well. It helps me recognize that if I'm doing it then it's time for me to step back and realize that I have things to address. If I see it in someone else I know to QTIP the situation and realize they are choosing not to deal with their issues.

I have a theory about the word "but". I try and use the word "however" instead of "but" and the reason is anything that is said before the "but" is dropped off and the only part heard is behind the word "but" so if an apology or amends comes with the word "but" attached in it for me it's not a real apology in the sense of sincerity. I heard that from a girlfriend of mine one time and I think it is pretty true to form. It does make me aware of what I am saying when I pick the word "but".

Take what you like, hugs P :)

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh boy, did we marry identical twins? My AH loves an argument and loves confrontation and he loves to be right. I can never win an argument unless I have cold hard evidence. He has an answer for EVERYTHING. Your analogy about the sugar and the diabetes, I could totally see my AH saying that exact same thing. I like what Glad Lee said about stop handing him the keys. That's pretty much it. I just stop conversations in their tracks by letting him win and not arguing. Makes for a boring life when it comes to conversation around the house but it also keeps the peace.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

MMy exAH used to convince me of all kinds of nonsense. I love the saying stop handing him the keys! Thanks for this share.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

My husband is the great Houdini, mastermind manipulator. He should have been a lawyer (as Ariel stated,) since everything I say can suddenly convince me I was wrong all along. But the thing about my husband is.. he's only like this when he is active and it is threatening his usage. Does that make sense? He can deflect, manipulate, lie like its his job, if what is being said is threatening to his active addiction

Now, to talk about me since those three fingers were pointing at me... I always always always HAD TO BE right!!! HaHa. Maybe I was, maybe I was not, what I have learned is that IT DOES NOT MATTER. It was driving me to insanity to prove I was right, drugs were bad for you see I told you see see look Im RIGHT! Now, I can drop my end of the rope and walk away from the Tug Of War match. I can slap my hands across eachother a few time and paint the smile back on my face because Im alright with my HP.

Last night at a meeting we talked about opinions and how different people see things differently. How its futile to prove were right because if that is how they saw the situation then they are right because they can't see it another way.

Man, if my husband had gone to law school.. we'd be rich!

-- Edited by Michelle814 on Wednesday 8th of February 2012 01:16:43 PM

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Last August (before I got into Al-Anon) my AH forgot my birthday, completely and totally forgot. We'd only been married 2 months at that point so I reminded him on the day of what day it was.

Then the following day I told him that this year he got a free pass but next year it was really important to me that he remember. I had this conversation with him while he was sober.

Later that evening he somehow managed to turn that back around on me and suddenly the whole thing became my fault.

Once I came to Al-Anon I started reading and reading. I quickly learned that whenever he is drinking any conversation is pointless so I quit talking to him. Then I had to learn how to not completely shut him out.

I'm a work in progress as communication is still not something I'm super effective at. However, he admitted over the weekend that he doesn't always have to be right, and to me that is a huge gigantic step forward that would have never happened if I hadn't found Al-Anon.

Sending you hugs and support on your journey!!!

danni · Senior Member

Well, I had a nice, well thought out response ready to go and then it got lost. sigh. So, now that my kids are needing me in a minute, I'll just offer my support and add that yes, "deflection" has exsisted in my home when I got too close to what he doesn't want to hear, and I try to not get into the "debates" any more. I also go to the part of the Just For Today bookmark that says "Just for today, I will be agreeable...be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself". Great topic, and I have gotten a lot out of the responses. I guess I did have a minute. Thanks Curious George! :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

That is just childish behavior. A person who is not mature enough to look at their own deficiencies.

Plus they have to bring the other person down enough so they look better in their own eyes.

And some do it to make ya down to control you. They are sick sick sick.

I remember my students doing this,I would say hey we are talking about YOU not me. Keep the focus on you.

Gads I am sooooo glad I don't have to put up with that boloney anymore!

So we have to ask ourselves, what is going on with us that we put up with it? Why is living like this ok?

hugs,debilyn

Iris lover of dogs · Veteran Member

Thanks everyone - your responses have been great, and very helpful. As some of you know, my AH moves out this weekend, and I feel that I have admitted my powerlessness (at least sometimes I do! I still struggle), so mostly I don't argue with him anymore. I've surrendered to what is. But, I still struggle to understand the reasons, the thinking behind it. And I want to get better at recognizing when I'm doing it and when others are doing it. I want to take full reponsibility for ME in future, and I want to be 'wise' enough to understand when someone else is deflecting, so that I won't take their nonsense to heart? Does this make sense? It has helped me a lot to realize that there are so many 'twin' husbands out there! It just makes me understand that it is a pattern, and not just him, and not just me. But boy, I have lived with the crazy lawyer for a long time, and as sad as I am that it is ending (I cry every day), I am also SO looking forward to coming home from work, and just having my dogs to reason with!

Got to go back to work, but just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone that responded, and I'd like to continue the conversation . . .

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Iris,

It is so hard not to want to rationalize with a very irrational disease. I know for me I keep trying to wrap my brain around the fact that no this behavior is not normal and this behavior is not ok. The reality is there is no rationalizing with addiction. It is part of being powerless, .. I can't control what he does or doesn't do I do get a say in what I do and don't do.

Hugs P :)

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