any thoughts appreciated - Al-Anon Family Group

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

any thoughts appreciated

Too hard · Senior Member

My experience is that any small change that one makes in protecting oneself or looking after yourself can be viewed by your husband as you withdrawing your attention.

This is a good thing because only by these changes you make will this change the dynamics in your marriage and as time goes on allow him to make mistakes that he can hopefully only blame himself and the drinking for.

Manipulation is a well known tool that is used in relationships.

Even if sometimes it seems too hard, only 'One day at a time' can you learn through Al-Anon how to make changes in your life that works for you.

Good Luck. T.H.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience if any of that debt does not have our name on it, no way do I want it all together and have it on everything.

Maybe he wants all the control and you pipe up with the credit card thing.

They are great manipulators, consolidate debt then maybe have more liquid money to buy more drugs!

To me there is never a way to come to compromise with an A. They are using, they are insane.

I wonder if people see it as they are drinking alcohol and it goes thru the body like water or something. For and A it is poison, it destroys sooooo many parts of them.

Even if they have not drank for a few days or whatever, there is still damage.

What it comes down to as I read your great share was, it sounds like one is still confused.

You do not know what you want yet.That is your answer. Also just becuz he says you are cold and icy does not mean you are. They LOVE to tell us we are crazy. We are not crazy.

That is abuse to you! How dare someone critique your own "self!"

People like to put others down to feel better than them and also to control them.

Is this someone you want to be married to? Believe me there are spouses that NEVER say mean things to each other about the persons self. I KNOW this. To say rrrr this money issue is the pits is ok. But never attack the person.

I hate it when my dog takes my boots outside. Not I hate my dipstick dog.(and my brush, remote, nightgown, pans, bowls, firestove poker, my book.....lol)

Keep coming, it helps us sort stuff out! love,debilyn

Iris lover of dogs · Veteran Member

I've really benefited from this share - thank you yanksfan, too hard and Debilyn! I too have had the experience of trying to make some small change - try to budget, clean the car, take a class for myself . . . and a lot of times, I get negatives coming back at me. I'm a nag; I'm controlling, the why bother with the car? The class is expensive (I make all the money). And I have truly believed that stuff sometimes. I have felt like a nag, wondered am I a control freak?, am I a spendthrift? Also - at one point, I just didn't want to be intimate with my AH anymore, until trust increased (this was after lies, lies, lies, and him treating me with total lack of respect), and he said I was deliberately holding back affection to punish him, that I was cold. This hurt me very much, but guess what? I'm not sharing my body with anybody that doesn't show me respect! But it still hurt. Our A's can really undermine our self confidence and our sense of having a grasp on reality, and this is one of the things that eventually led me to decide to end my marriage. I want my psychological space back! But I still wonder sometimes - am I the wrong one? I think that is part of the recovery from being codependent that I am in, and it really helps to come here and be a part of discussions of others that are processing the same things. Only I can be the judge of who I am (not my business what other's think of me), but I struggle with this! When you think about it, many of us are trying to re-wire brains that began getting wired the wrong way when we were babies! It is hard, but it is worth it! You keep thinking YOUR thoughts, and being in YOUR truth.

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

your reply hit home w/me too! A huge issue for us has been how I never initiate intimacy, I seem like a shell of myself, etc and I agree w what you said, it's more a feeling of, I don't want to share my body w someone who is not all the way there!

I remember in the 1st decade of our marriage I actually was sick enough to be glad for a crazy night out of his, because that meant he would be home and chill out for a few days! yikes! like those 'days after' were good enough..not feeling that so much anymore...

thanks to all of you for posting--so much support here!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Yanks,

I really recommend the book Delima of an Alcoholic Marriage. It says so much and explains a lot of behavior and even our own behavior when it comes to things like sex .. seriously .. who wants to have sex with a sloppy drunk. That book at least gives so much into what is going on from both sides of the equation it also talks about communication and so on. If you have it reread it if not I really do say get a copy of it.

Hugs P :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.