The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I guess one of the worse parts of my disease is that I get my feelings hurt too easily. I have always been like this, ever since a child - long before I ever realized I was an al-anon.
This morning he told a stupid joke. "Stuff your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and lock them in for a while. When you open it, check which is glad to see you."
Since I had just been cleaning house and trying to plan something for his birthday dinner, I felt hurt to be made fun of and put down. (Actually that "joke" has violent overtones, too.)
I realize this is a very small issue and that most people are dealing with far great problems and that after some time goes by it won't matter.
But it still hurts. It still makes me feel bad. How do I get over being so easily hurt? How do I insulate myself, or get tougher, or what does it take?
Detachment for me works wonders. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt at all, .. I'm faster to see what is the disease vs who is saying those things to me.
I QTIP many situations (Quit Taking It Personally). Those hurts just don't go away those are things that will fester and resentments build. My retaliation is to say worse things, .. I've stopped almost 100% on that .. it doesn't do any good and why go there I'm really so much better than that. Those resentments are poison to any relationship. I also found for me that it lowered my self esteem.
Going to alanon meetings helped me also understand that I wasn't alone and I have been blessed to hear how so many wonderful people have handled situations for themselves and come out the other side.
If you haven't read the book Getting Them Sober I highly recommend it. Just keep coming back, Keep working a program of recovery and keep the focus on you and things will get better.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Welcome back! When my feelings get hurt I reread the affirmations and prayer on the Just for Today bookmark that I received in the Newcomer's Packet. The "joke" you related would hurt my feelings too, and when someone says something hurtful I run it by my sponser and take it from there before responding. I am still sometimes confused about the fine line between detatchment and speaking up for myself, so i find her input very helpful. Posting here helps. I read passeges on detatchment from The Courage to Change. Oh, and Live and Let Live...I repeat it over and over until I feel some relief. Emphasis on LIVE. What am I going to do right now, since i am powerless over others, to feel ok and take extra care of myslef? Mabye read a good book, make an outreach call, get out of the house and enjoy the outdoors, put on some music I love...I am glad you returned to the program. I admire the time you put in as well as your desire to keep getting better. big hug
That joke is caustic and aggressive -- and implies that if he should lock you in a trunk (or the equivalent), something would be wrong with you if you held it against him?! He's as much as acknowledging he's abusive, and he expects you to laugh and take the hint not to mind?
The way I see it, you recognize that this joke is aggressive and inappropriate. That's an awareness to hold onto.
The question is what we do with the information that our loved ones are doing hurtful things. I'm not sure there's a healthy way not to feel the hurt. Some people numb out with alcohol or drugs -- but we know where that leads. Joining them in their craziness doesn't actually do us any good.
But we can feel the hurt and acknowledge it to ourselves while detaching and taking care of ourselves. My therapist used to say that when something like this happened, I could say, with calm curiosity, "What point are you making, exactly?" Or you could say something like, "That hurts." It's when we expect some kind of specific reaction from them (apology, acknowledgement) that we get ourselves into trouble. Or when we let ourselves get engaged in an argument about it. "Well, that shouldn't hurt, you're just an idiot." "Well, it does, and..." We know we can't convince them. Or maybe we just shrug and think, "This person is damaged. I know not to let him too close to me, because it will hurt."
Thank you so much! There is so much wisdom here. I am so grateful for the useful responses and am printing them out for my Al-Anon Journal.
(The "joke" got even worse. He told it again to someone on the phone and this time he said, "The wife objected to this joke. But she felt better when I put a bottle of rum in with her."
I told him I objected to the joke, that it was a put-down and hostile and violent. He actually said he was sorry but I know he doesn't "get it." He mentioned his cousin's husband was sick, and I said, "Why don't you stuff him in a trunk?" He looked a bit startled. Maybe the "joke" looked different, putting it that way.
That's okay. These messages help, my meeting will help. I will practice detachment and I will try to QTIP. I ordered that book, "Getting Them Sober," after it was mentioned on this forum. It arrived yesterday and it IS helpful. I will use the tools suggested.
It's so wonderful and helps so much to NOT BE ALONE, to know there are others out there who also see the hurt in the "joke" and who CARE. Thank you so much and many blessings to all.
Last week I went to my first meeting in five years and tomorrow I am going again. There is a whole world of serenity out there and we are all worth it.
Its a clever joke.. BUT NOT FUNNY!!! I want to say that everyone's problems and issues are subjective. Just because some people are dealing with "worse" issues does not mean you should not seek help for your own. I would detach from things like this as much as I could but I do think it's necessary to state your feelings. If he does not want to hear them or he does not seem to "care" about his comments hurting others than you can share and voice your feelings here or in face to face meetings. Remeber you can't control him. He will say what he wants. But you can find health and happiness whether he makes not funny jokes or not. I also recommend a sponsor. That helps so much. I have an Al-Anon journal too!!! ;)
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Michelle - thank you for the reminder! Now that I'm going to meetings again I need to find a sponsor. I don't know if I should wait a while and pick one or just plunge ahead. Is there some method for picking (and/or asking) a sponsor?
Nanaug you have me laughing right now, "why don't you stuff HIM (sick cousin) in the trunk is hilarious! Sitting on the other side of divorce one of my top red flags is guys who think its meanly funny to tell jokes like that to or around a woman they are supposed to care about. I also write off those who leer at pin-ups or down low-cut shirts. Mr ex was always making comments about women in a supposedly joking manner that were harsh, hateful, mean and angry - I later read in domestic abuse literature how this is one way they "show themselves" - jokes like that eat away at the esteem of women who hear them on a regular basis.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
How do you mean, "show themselves"? Does that mean those comments are one way you can tell who is abusive?
Is it possible they don't understand how hurtful the words are? Do you think that, consciously or unconsciously, they mean to hurt, put down, keep power over?
I think trying to analyze his motives takes the focus off yourself and makes your needs invisible
I agree this is hurtful to hear as a women. There is nothing too sensitive about your feeling hurt and upset. Your feelings are right on!!!
Now I believe it is important not to react to this feeling in a destructivve manner but to respond in a healthy fashion.
Before alanon I pretended to laugh at these comments or pretended I did not hear the "Joke" This enabled me to live in denial and pretend my usual place.
Since I have learned how to value my feeling and myself I now validate what I believe. If these jokes are expressed when I am around I do not laugh and do state what I think.
Simply stating my truth (I do not think that is funny) and then moving on works for me
I find it is also most important to then : Let it Go
You are doing fine and are not too sensitive
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 10th of February 2012 10:52:24 AM
My personal opinion is this .. when people feel bad about themselves they go out of their way to make others feel bad, because it makes them feel big inside. It's no different than the school yard bully in a lot of ways the dynamic works.
Yes, I think it shows them absolutely to have their own issues deep down to deal with, the only way they have power over us is if we let them. If we choose to act and behave like a victim then yes, it gives them power in their own mind.
Take what you like, hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you. Very encouraging. Yes, it will help to learn and practice calmly saying how I feel and then moving on. It also helps to know I'm not so "terrible" that I need "putting down." These issues come from within him and are his. I have my own good life to lead.
What a relief. What a program. What kind Al-Anons.
