The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hope you can get to some face to face meetings and also at these meetings, I think you would benefit from getting yourself some literature if you can afford it right now. How Al-Anon Works is only $5.00 I believe and it is AMAZING. I like reading the stories in the back. It's nice to read how the program has worked for other people. Its okay to "sound like a broken record" you are venting and this is the place to do that so keep coming back and sharing your story, everyone has one.. but alot of our problems are similar here and people can really relate.
-- Edited by Michelle814 on Tuesday 7th of February 2012 03:50:03 PM
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Seems some choices are so hard to make. I'm trying to decide if I want to stay in this relationship with my AH or not. I know I don't have to make a decision right now, but the living situation has gotten fairly uncomfortable. He is bingge drinking and using drugs. In the last two weeks, we have not spoken for about 10 of those days. I don't trust him nor can I rely on him to follow through with what he says. I informed him that I would not be asking him to pick up our child as I didn't trust he wouldn't drink first. Apparently if I ask him, he won't however the past has shown otherwise.
He is taking beer to work with him in the morning and thinking I don't notice. I have very strong work ethics and this bothers me as he works for people my family knows. I don't usually care what other people think of me but I'm in a professional job.
He seems to think that if he does laundry or washes the floors, that will fix our relationship. He doesn't feel we need counselling and doesn't' think he has a problem. Maybe it's not his problem but I have a problem with it and in a relationship I would perceive that one person would care if there was a problem.
He is ignoring the underlying issues yet I can't have a conversation with him about anything when he's been drinking or he gets mad and storms out of the house blaming me for everything.
I guess I just needed to put this in writing and I feel like I'm a broken record here. I don't know where to go from here, I'm tired of financially backing everything and taking the blame for all the problems. I'm also being accused of cheating and things like going for a walk with my best friend to get a coffee are questioned. I'm getting tired of my morals being questioned.
On another hand, I am taking care of myself. I have spent the weekend with friends that have children and I haven't hung out with in a long time, taking more walks and playing with my daughter.
Wow TLD, I could have written your post about myself. I too am in the midst of 'should I stay or go', my AH drinks in secret and has terrible violent rages, he hasn't hurt me physically yet but they scare the life out of me and my nerves are wearing thin, my health is starting to give and yet I too question whether to stay or go. I go to work every day and support both of us, he has been thru many jobs and many different schools trying to 'find himself', I wish I had such options but I'm too busy working and trying to keep us afloat. While we don't have kids I totally identify with your struggle. I can't give you any direction, as I am lost as well, just sending support and want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I too am working on taking care of myself and that I think is helping push me in the right direction, but for today, for now I am still with him. Hugs and support headed your direction. :)
I'm so glad you are taking care of you!!! I truly encourage you to attend some open AA meetings. I know this is my new drum to beat however it helps me see my spouse clearer and I can do so without taking what he does or doesn't do personally and it allows me to make decisions that will help me and the kids. It even helps me make decisions when it comes to him.
Hugs P :)
Keep coming back it helps so much!!!
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It sounds like we have a lot in common. My H is not alcoholic but has similar behaviors/issues. Also, I can identify with the Laundry thing! :) If he does Laundry and unloads the dishwasher all the world should be alright :)
Relationships are hard and even harder when there are kids involved - then throw in the disease and it's even more difficult. It sounds like you are working a good program. Taking care of you is what's most important so that you can be there for your kids. He's going to do what he's going to do. I too feel like a broken record - but as I'm learning it's a process... you'll know when you are read to do whatever it is you want/need to do. Stay strong and at the same time go easy on yourself.
Something that surfer girl did that I think was wonderful, she formed a plan. Even though she is currently making the choice to stay she has a plan in place.
Meetings and reading are wonderful. I would also encourage you to formulate your own plan if the situation comes to the point where you must leave.
Living with an Active A is not easy. Take care of you!!! Sending you support on your journey!
Surfgirl, you aren't alone either. It is such a hard decision and I rarely even have time to sit down and think it through. He has also had violent rages which in turn make me scared to talk to him about anything serious. You never know what is going to set them off.
Michelle, I'm reading the courage to change right now and loving it, I do think I will seek out the one you have referred to. I'm going to have to find a babysitter who I can take our daughter to their house on the f2f meeting nights as I don't feel at all comfortable leaving her home with him. But I also might try Pushka's suggestion and go to an open AA meeting, that may help me see this clearer.
Thank you all for your support and recommendations, it is so wonderful to have this board.
What I wish someone has asked me early on is, "If you knew for certain that nothing was going to change, that things with him are going to keep being the way they are for the rest of your life, what would you do?"
I kept waiting for the clouds to clear, and then I looked up and I had been through years of misery and nothing had changed. My ex-AH even sometimes made noises about recovery, but he never followed through for long. Without a recovery program, the chances of improvement are even more infinitesimal.
Remember that if you decide to go, you don't have to tell him in advance. If there is a chance of violence, which it seems there is, the safest way may be to plan your exit, then leave one day when he's out, and let him know retroactively. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a website about this.
Whatever you decide, please take good care of yourself.
Thank you Mattie. I have a safety plan and lists of emergency numbers in it. I keep a bag in the trunk of my car so I can leave anytime I need to. thank you for your support.
Hello TLD, I could have written your story myself, except I don't have a child. . . I did eventually decide not to continue my relationship, and my AH is moving out this weekend (which is breaking my heart, but I know it is the best, the right thing). I think the best thing for me (and it took some urging from my counselor, our couples counselor, and friends and family) was to really think through my boundaries. To decide - what is a deal breaker for me? And even though, for me, the alcoholic roller coaster had been going on since 2007 or so, I just last Spring came to a personal decision/realization that "I don't have to live this way; I have a choice". Sounds so simple, but it wasn't - it was an epiphany, a lightbulb bursting on in my head. And that allowed me to draw some clear boundaries - what I would not accept in my life anymore, and a timeline to the end. He ended up breaking an important boundary in December, and that is when I said - ok, this time is really the last. Now I have to live with that decision, because I have ended it, and that is very hard too, because I love the person that I married (lots somewhere inside the AH). I've come to this board many times in the last couple of months to get moral support in my decision. It is always a very personal decision, and many people choose to stay, and develop coping mechanisms so that their life can remain vibrant and healthy in the presence of an alcoholic in their life, but I decided it had taken too much of a toll on my physically and emotionally over the last number of years, and now I want to take care of me, and have peace in my life.
Keep coming to the board, keep working through it - you'll come to a decision, and it'll get better one way or the other. Lots of people on this site are founts of wisdom and support!
First and foremost - take care of you and your child - emotionally and physically.
Sending lots of support and hope for resolution your way! -iris
Oh TLD, I am so glad you are here. Sending you so much continued support. My AH has a thing about cleaning the kitchen. Like if he does that it means he's ok. It used to bug me, now I'm just glad the kitchen is getting clean :) Nice job taking care of yourself, and everything you described sounds so understandable. And no, you don't sound like a broken record, but you do sound like a strong woman taking care of herself. big hug
