The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well. In my book, you hardly lobbed a grenade. It may have fell out of your pocket and kinda, sorta wobbled in his direction, but that's it, lol
For me, my reactions looked more like throwing his size 13 golf shoes at him in an angry rage!
We are not saints, and will never be perfect. But I don't think you did anything that was really harmful. Did it harm him? Perhaps. Nothing hurts more than the truth, right?
It looks to me, like youre feeling a resentment. And whenever I feel resentment, I grab my paper and inventory it. What do you think this threatens in you? (column # 3) I would guess it was probably your self-esteem it always hurt me when he said things like that to me, like I'm not being a good spouse. It was his way to deflect and make me feel responsible, Miss Over-Responsible. It worked well too, he knew me very well.
Have you phoned your sponsor yet? My sponsor knows me so well, she always knows what part of me was triggered, and what my defect is. She helps me to understand what I need to be entirely ready to let go of, and then to humbly ask.
You are okay ((my friend)) You are not responsible for his emotions.
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 7th of February 2012 11:37:17 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 7th of February 2012 12:20:35 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
My partner lashes out when he is hurt - usually with not nice words instead of expressing what he feels. I used to cower under to try to soothe him or attack back. Today I was confronted with his unhappiness with me by him saying in a very nasty tone "I guess this is what I have to live with"... I admit it stung but I didn't let it for long I just calmly said "no, you don't" and walked off. I know I probably should have said nothing at all but I did want him to know he does have a choice. No one is forcing him to live with his unhappiness. I admit I'm sure I've contributed to it but I will not own it.
Lots of posts here lately about words and communication. Sometimes it's just too difficult not to react. I think your response was fine. You know it was WAY better than what you would have done in the past-cower under or attack back. Progress, not perfection. You're definitely making progress, good for you!
Thanks for sharing you experiences with us. Youre right, he does have choices... You are doing a great job remembering that its not YOUR fault he is miserable.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Happiness is an inside job, nothing from the outside will fill that hole. Some people never get that or they think superficial things will fill those holes.
Keep taking care of you!!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I think your response was perfect! I myself just came of a rough few days of biting my tongue. I am sure I let some random comments slip out but heck it tons better than the raging I used to do. I waswhite-knuckling my non-reactions! Progress, not perfection, lol.
Thank you all for your comments. It is becoming easier to accept and actually like, that others have choices.... I don't have to modify me to get them to make the choice I want. Either take me as I am (with always seeking growth) or move on but don't try and make me miserable because you are unhappy "because of me". You can easily solve that.... find the person you think makes you happy and stop making me crazy!!! :)
omg.practicing not to react is most likely the most challenging for me to work or should the right way to put it is over react.my charactor defaults is to over analize, worry and make something more than it is.i have constant anxiety and worry about things i have no control over.give it to your higher power.easier said than done. i feel that if i dont control everything around me i will lose all that i charish.but maybe if i keep it up that is what will happen.so i will try to just let things be.so the next time u are hurt by words think about something postive about yourself.making someone else feel as bad as u do does not make anything better.if anything u just feel bad later on about saying it.so if u need to react first, think think think,pray and then if something needs to be said say it with honesty and tell how certain things make u feel and if it does not go well u have done your best.still doing my best to do this, not very good at it yet.im sure it will get easier.negitve things that have been said to me or about me have stuck to me like glue and ive believed them all.we are human,we make mistakes we have all said or did things we wish we had not in moment of insanity but we can not change the past only learn from it and work on today.try to feel good about yourself and others hurtful words maybe how they are feeling about themselves and having nothing to do with u.all the best to u because try not to react to such a hard thing to do.
