The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not real sure my husband can be catagorized as an alcholic. Right now he seems very funtional. That is why I need to know what to expect. He started drinking a lot of wine. He is now drinking a 5 liter box within 3 days. I figure he averages about 2 liters a day. When I approached him about maybe having a drinking problem, he said that if he felt he had one, then he would say so and take care of it. After approaching him, he now hides when he is drinking. He makes sure that I do not see when he brings in a new box. He does not know that I check the level every morning, afternoon, and night. He lies about how often he gets a new box. When my daughter asked him, he said he gets a new box once every two weeks. He is doing his drinking when I am on the treadmill, in the shower, or asleep in the middle of the night. Like I said, he is funtional. He is not acting like a drunk person. But, he has develped shakes, and one morning he threw up and didn't know why. So, this is my question. Does he qualify as someone with a drinking problem? Am I making too much of this? Should I expect that it will get worse? I can't go to meetings where I live, because it is such a small town and just about everyone knows him. I can't take that chance. That is why I have chosen this avenue. Please, any information will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Chantel!! Welcome welcome welcome to MIP!!! Al-Anon is not what people think it is. No one points figures at who is or is not an alcoholic. I have no clue whether he is or not but what I do know is that you are worth a peaceful happy existence which includes not dwelling on what your husband is doing, not checking how much he drinks, and also not worrying what people in your small town think about you or him. What I have learned by coming to Al-Anon is that what other people think of me is their business. I, also live in a small town, I have a wonderful, bright, young, handsome, alcoholic, addict husband and I am now able to walk down the street with my head held high. When my husband first relapsed and I knew the whole town was talking I would take my walks a different way where I knew no one really knew me. Thinking back now that makes me giggle. I feel so free now and open.. to just be me. I don't worry much what people are thinking of me anymore.. but when I do, I pray pray pray pray pray pray and give it over to my HP. Old habbits die hard. You sound like a very caring person and I am sure you love your husband and are worried about him just as 99.9% of this site is worried about and loves their qualifier. I thought by loving my husband I had to watch over him and try to control him because I knew the right way. What I have learned in Al-Anon that the more I put the focus on me, the less I worry about what he is up to... and I have learned its none of my business how much he drinks.. or in my case now, what step he is working on in AA or how often he meets with his sponsor, etc... His program is his.. and mine is mine. I am rambling on and on, sorry. Just want to say welcome and keep coming back. I highly recommend the face to face meetings, maybe down the road you'll feel more open.. but until then, this site is awesome!!! We say often in Al-Anon "he's either going to drink or not.. what are you going to do?"
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Welcome! This does sound like a problem, because it has become a problem for you. A lot of what you have described are things that I have experienced and things that I have heard many, many others describe at the meetings. You deserve help, and help is available. Face to face meetings were essential to me reclaiming my sanity. It is not only painful living with problem drinking, but also confusing because of the functioning of the drinker, the sober periods, the denial...everything you described as feeling is understandable in this situation, and I am glad you are here to get support and information. Welcome again, and please keep reading and posting! sending you support and understanding!
First off, don't worry about putting a label on whether or not he is an alcoholic. What really matters is how you feel about it. If it bothers you, then it is a problem and that's what Al Anon is for. My AH is a lot like yours, the minute I confronted him last year he started hiding it and drinking after I went to bed. Keep reading here and I hope you continue to come back. If you can't get to a meeting, there are online meetings here, too.
Chantel, welcome to MIP! There is lots of information here. I suggest reading other posts and replies, you can learn a lot from them. I agree with what others have said-it doesn't matter if he is or isn't an alcoholic. What matters is that his drinking is a problem for you. No, you are not making too much of it. I also live in a small town where almost everyone knows me and my A. Unfortunately there are no alanon meetings here. So I come to this board often for ESH (experience, strength, hope), wisdom, and support. The online meetings here are also a help. Please keep coming back. You are not alone.
Welcome, .. I really recommend the book Getting Them Sober, there is also a 5$ paperback book you can get from amazon called How Alanon Works and there is such a wealth of information in it.
You may at some point want to consider looking outside your area for meetings. It's just a suggestion I understand how hard small towns can be in that regard.
Keep coming back, keep reading, keep taking care of you!! Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Chantel, my fiancé is 3 months sober, and your story sounds like my life from 6 months ago, except it was vodka, not boxed wine. Even when we would have a beer together, he always wanted more alcohol and pushed to "have another beer". When I wasn't amenable to getting wasted with him on a weekday night, and started asking questions about his drinking he used to hide alcohol or sneak out to buy it and drink it before he came home. I really doubt that people over the age of 21 who don't have a drinking problem ever try to hide their drinking from their partners. My alcoholic was functional too, except for occasionally skipping work on a Monday because he was "sick" ("sick" = hungover/still drinking). Eventually, he worked up the courage to admit he had a problem and seek help, it hasn't always been easy, but with lots of help, patience and courage, it gets better day by day, even if the improvement isn't always linear. If you're afraid of meetings, I at least suggest you find a good therapist/social worker, there are lots who specialize in drinking problems. When his drinking was bad, but I was still kind of ignoring what it was, I used to tell myself "its not like he's hitting me" or "he just passes out, its not a big deal", but he did and said a lot of things that have caused a lot of hurt in me. The sooner you start talking to someone and taking care of yourself, because you can't take care of his drinking, the better.
Hi Chantel and welcome. My unprofessional opinion is yes, there is a problem and while Alanon doesn't strive to label alcoholics it sounds to me very much like it is heading there. My AH didn't become an alcoholic overnight - in fact he really didn't drink much when we met. Once I noticed a problem, it started with bringing wine home every night and finishing it. Then once I brought it up, he stopped bringing it home, and instead went straight to vodka. Fast forward 2 years - he became a full blown alcoholic and for lack of better terms, fell flat on his face. After a lot of devastation he got himself help and AA and is sober over 5 months now, but he paid a very dear price for it and the damage to our lives has been done. I agree with everyone here to check out meetings, and the book "Getting Them Sober," which helped me a lot during a time of greate crisis. Please take care of yourself And keep coming back here.
