What a crazy weekend I had.  I was the only person not drinking at a family event and I did well up until the end.  My brothers wanted to stay over night.  One is 22 and the other is 19.  I already see the 19 year old becoming very dependent upon not only alcohol, but just getting to do whatever it is he wants to do.  Its frustrating.  My brothers insisted on staying, even though, everyone told me we would go and come home the same day(2 hours away from home.)  Once they got drunk they wanted to stay.  My Mom, the Great Care Taker allows them to get whatever they want so we had to stay.  When I voiced my opinion my youngest brother lashed out on me and told me he "can't stand" me and "hates" me.  That's mature.  Needless to say I did not do so well.  All my cousins were confused why I was not going to the Bar after the family event (I used to be the life of the party.)  They, of course, just let it go when I told them I no longer enjoyed going to stinky gross bars. 

After my brother flipped out on me I started bawling my eyes out in my Mom's van but luckily only my Mom saw it. I was passing judgement on everyone in that van... wondering why drinking and alcohol has to be the center of the attention, the center of our family. Its always been this way I am just open to see the dysfunction of it all now.  Its hard.  But I did alot of praying and I let the issue lie. I did flip out a bit on my brother first, telling him he has no idea what I have gone through this year (the martyr)  not proud of that. I am not proud of breaking down and crying.  but you know maybe it was necessary.. maybe it had to happen. I can tell you now I am feeling step 1 again. I am powerless over my family's rituals or what they all do. I can choose not to drink though, I can choose not to be hung over.. I have these choices.  They can do what they want. 

I also took my personal inventory from the weekend last night. It was too late to call my sponsor so I just read it to my AH before going to bed last night. I just needed to get it out there I was not projecting it onto him.  I then prayed a bunch about letting it go.  I read each character defect in my head and them I prayed to let them go and I read each positive trait in my head and prayed of gratitude for each.  It was refreshing actually. I thought of what Puska says often.. that I am powerless over the past.. so I thought about how its over and done with and I can't go back. I prayed to let it go.  I must say I feel rather free again today.  I feel as if its the first day of my life.  I think I can do better at the next family function.. can't wait til I get to try.