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I am struggling with finding the strength to feel compassion for my AH...we are seperated and going through a divorce,,which he has decided to fight because well, yeah..he wants a divorce because im the cause of all his misery but he doesnt want to have to pay support..thats just crazy..he cant afford that!!!!
I am working so hard on giving it over to my HP...and letting go of the anger, but he has all but abandoned his son, he is killing there relationship by picking the girl that he he started his affair with, over his son over and over and over...I watch my son be broken hearted and in pain and I think I should be angry...my soon to be ex husband will have 2 yrs sober on Feb 17th..he says he is working on being a better person and father to his son...and i dont understand how having an affair and then walking away from our family fits into that process. And now, to just walk away from your son????...
I cant take anymore of his personality changes..i get the text form him about once a month going on and on about how much he cares about us and we have a special place in his heart and he is so sorry he never meant to cause this pain., he cant explain why his feelings changed..and then he bails on his son, and wont help us out when he knows we are struggling ..and continues to be involved in this relationship he started and not step up to his responsabilities as a father.
Im tired of the excuses and its really hard to remember that this is a disease and he has no control over it, when he is making choices that effect my son so harshly. and they are CHOICES he is making ......
Yes they are HIS choices and he will have to live with the consequences of them, which means when he turns and finally wants a relationship with his son, he may be out of luck because children remember. My daughter is going through some of the same with her father - every conversation revolves around him and his troubles so he doesn't have to acknowledge any wrong doing on his part - like ordinary life problems are a excuse for being a rotten father? I read this book about children and divorce - one thing that really stuck in my mind is - don't sugarcoat things to the children, don't try to pretend the spouse is perfectly fine and wonderful - Because children can figure it out, if he was fine and wonderful why are you getting divorced? I don't make him out to be a villian, but I don't pretend he is a great father either - we talk about his childhood, his male role models (uh, or lack of them) and, I try to point out the things he does that ARE good, or the kids we know of whose parents are worse.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Maybe you need some compassion for yourself? We always put ourselves 52nd best. You need to be Number One for yourself and for your son.
Don't feel guilty if you don't have perfect compassion for your AH (almost ex). There is a lot of water under that bridge. It will take a long time....maybe a really long time. In the meantime, have a happy life for yourself. Deal in the truth. Don't gloss over your feelings or your son's feelings. It is what it is and you have absolutely no control over any of what he is doing or saying to you.... except what your response is, or making yourself absent for his once a month texting. Why read it and make yourself feel worse. Just DELETE.
I agree with each responder. No you do not have to have compassion in this situation Having compassion for yourself is essential and a great suggestion When I realized that I had to treat myself well or I would destroy myself and others around me it became easier to focus on my needs and care for me.
This disease e is so very destructive. I could not have felt compassion for my hubby while going thru the madness. The best I could do was feel understanding and acceptance and treat him with courtesy That was huge for me.
Compassion and empathy have taken on new meanings for me now that I am in program and I do believe that with time you will find your way to a more acceptable feelings Remember the feelings we hold in our heart either enrich us or hurt us I chose to be enriched more and more these days.
Something that has helped me a great deal maybe it's not compassion however I have found refuge in detachment. Seeing the disease and seeing my spouse as two separate things.
I wish I could have done that sooner, it wasn't meant to be that way. I take comfort in knowing that what he does or doesn't do is the affects of the disease. This is so not the man I married, the man I married he was funny, sweet, kind, considerate, loving, this man, .. I don't know .. he's not the man married or even perceived to marry. I wouldn't marry this man as he is now .. although I've gone through changes of my own that has spiraled my own "bad" behavior of control and so on. Those were not with blinders on either .. I think I saw him as he was in that moment. The blinders came after, .. they came when I saw his coping skills suffer and what he does to cope with situations.
As far as compassion goes .. for me going to open AA meetings help me see better the opposite side of the equation. It helps me see how others have similar stories and my hope for him .. regardless of the outcome of our relationship is for him to be healthy and well. That's my true wish for him. Compassion .. I have to approach the idea of compassion in a different way.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have been considering going to an open AA meeting...I need to hear that there are people out there that are on the right road while sober. I truly feel like my soon to be ex is not working his program and that is why there are so many problems now...he is failing as a father and honestly as a human being with feelings right now. He is being selfish but not in an AA way...I think he is running from his truth and he has not hit his rock bottom yet, Im affraid what that will look like. I have to let it go and concentrate on my son and myself...I cant keep spending my energy on what he is doing and when he is going to come back to the man his was...I dont think he ever will.
Ive decided today the best I can do is tell him what my expectations are of him as a father...ive come up with 2 simple ones that I plan on presenting to him and asking if he is able to step up to them..1) if son has a medical emergency and I have to take him to ER I expect you to drop what you are doing if possible and be there to help. If he can manage that I plan on asking him what he considers an emergency so that we are clear on when I should call and when I should handle it on my own. 2) I expect him to be available in person and if not in person, by phone if son gets in trouble at school or at home and participate in parenting him threw the problem.
thats it...I dont think they are difficult expectations of a father but I want to be clear so there are no more conflict...if I cant expect that from him then I wont and there will be no more disapointments when he doesnt step up to the plate.
Why, now after he has been sober for 2 yrs, am I having to go to these lengths to have him participate in parenting his son? I never had to do this before, i dont understand it. Should I do this?? Am I being controlling and forcing him to do something he doesnt want to do? Im so conflicted with the whole thing...Im supose to let him travel his road and do what hes going to do, i have no control over that. But when it comes to my son at what point do I say ok, i give up...dont be a father....why does he get to just walk away from that responsability ?????
I truly feel like my soon to be ex is not working his program and that is why there are so many problems now ---------------------------------------------- Im so conflicted with the whole thing...Im supose to let him travel his road and do what hes going to do, i have no control over that. But when it comes to my son at what point do I say ok, i give up...dont be a father....why does he get to just walk away from that responsability ------------------------------------------------- Hi, Oh, I know the feelings you are having. I know, I know, I know. I get that pit in my stomach from just thinking the thoughts and feeling the feelings again.
My hubby has been in AA for 11 yrs. and I just have to shake my head. I used to damn AA, it was all their fault he was not "getting the program". But in my heart and head I know he is his own person. He has had his own upbringing from some whacky parents. He is totally in denial about what happened in our home. He has never said anything close to "I'm sorry". He is really self centered in a bad way. But he has a right to be whoever he wants to be. If he wants to walk away from responsibility, he can. So can I. I don't choose to. I am still a parent in love with her kids, and now her grandkids. My kids have suffered. He doesn't see that. I see my daughters in their 30's who are on anti-anxiety pills because they really do need them. He just sees "oh well, that happens." Do I respect him less for that. Hell, yes. I mourn the change in our relationship a lot.
But it is what it is. Don't have expectations if he is going to let you down. Maybe it will get better. Maybe it won't. What are you going to do with your life?
Definition of compassion: Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it
Definition of sympathy: A relationship or an affinity between people or things in which whatever affects one correspondingly affects the other
Definition of empathy: Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.
Could you look at starting with empathy? Identify that his addiction behaviours have caused him to be in this situation. His motives are derived from unhealthy thinking. You have an understanding that his feelings are mixed up due to his addiction.
In compassion, the definition talks about the wish to relieve it. I believe that while we are in our own recovery, we have compassion for ourselves, the wish to relieve our own suffering, and hand over the addicts situation to our HP. We can empathise that they are having difficulties, but we may be trying to stop relieving things for them. That is not our job. Sympathy is when thier actions affect our us. In empathy, it is not a cohabitat of feelings, it is acknowledging that a person is having difficulty, and allowing them their own consequences.
That is how I read it anyway. Empathy is what I will get from a counsellor. Sympathy is what I would probably get from my Mum. Empathy is detachment, compassion, for me, is more in line with sympathy.
At this point in time, I see it as compassion and sympathy something you could give yourself and your son, and keep the empathy for him. This is a grieving process also for both you, your son and your expartner.
The way I see compassion is as a kind of detachment that sadly acknowledges his limitations. That's very hard to achieve when you're in the thick of things and maybe not even advisable. We need to feel our justifiable anger in order to get some distance. Our anger protects us. But once we've gotten some distance, we can start to see them for who they really are. That doesn't let them off the hook. When I think about the ways my ex-AH has let me down, it just boggles my mind. He even wants to be a good father but ... well, he's limited. His emotional range is limited, his mind is wired funny, and he grew up with so many dysfunctional behaviors that he has no idea how to negotiate problems in life. He's stuck in his ways of coping, involving addiction, avoidance, denial, and bluster. Those numb the problem but they don't really cope with anything, so he's stuck with his problems and the problems caused by his attempts to cope. And at this point his life is his own punishment. He looks like he's functional to someone who doesn't know him well, but I know the truth. He's living hand to mouth (if that), he has debt that would make a normal person faint, he's afraid of women, he's lost the ability to bluff a lot of people, and his addictions make his daily life a mess. When I think of that, I think, who would choose to live that way? Only someone who couldn't see anything better. Then I feel a kind of mild compassion for him. Not strong enough that it overcomes my judgment of whether to stay clear of his problems -- I know enough to do that. But who would ever trade places with someone in his state? No one. That's what I can feel compassion for. I imagine that as you get clear of your ex, a sense of that will develop for you.
There is no such thing as a clean divorce and there are going to be hurt feelings. It doesn't sound like he is handling things very well but I am not sure that has anything to do with his being an alcoholic - dry drunk - or whatever else other than an emotionally immature person going through a mid life crisis of sorts.
Im beginning to agree with Pinkchip.....I was asking myself how he could get sober and become such a jerk...a friend told me, then he was always a jerk...he just hid it well with the drinking.... honestly..he has always been a selfish person...I guess its just more obviouse now that hes sober and there are no excuses anymore. right now, today, he is not even a person I would look twice at..much less marry....
