Its been a while since I posted and I apologize for the length of this post but I am just now reaching a point where I am really ready to share because I have a better idea of where I am at now then I have for the past several weeks.

I have a sponsor. The catalyst for me finally calling and asking someone, the fight over the trainer I worked out with. 3 Thursday nights ago the conversation began and according to my AH I committed emotional adultery with someone who provided me with a feeling that AH could not. I had a complimentary training session that went along with the gym membership that I received for Christmas. I went to the training session and it was intense and I got a good workout.

My response, the night he threw this one at me. I will discuss this with you when you are not drinking. The next morning I wake up and the first thing he says to me is that he was right and this is what he feels happened. I was standing in the shower thinking and got so angry I put the dog in the crate and drove to my parents. I finished getting ready for work and planned to make plans further. He realized I was gone and called me. To which we had a conversation regarding his insecurities I told him he needed to deal with his insecurities and quit taking them out on me.

I called and asked my sponsor to be my sponsor at lunch that day. AH agreed to arrange an appointment to talk to someone about his insecurities and deal with them.

I thought further about his accusations and told him that he was wrong. He cant make me feel how I feel after I run a race. He cant make me feel the way I feel when I lose weight. He cant make me feel anything, actually. My feelings are my own just as his are his own. I also stated that he is not allowed to accuse me of that further, because it is not true and ridiculous.

The next Thursday we got into a fight over my plans that I have made with friends for the month of February. He kept saying I love you but I dont understand. This time I left to go to the gym. I came home and later that evening he admitted to feeling like a failure for not being able to not drink. I told him hes not a failure. Hes not its a disease, I get that.

The following day (Friday) I told him that my friends and family are important. He sees me more than anyone else. I will make sure that he has time with me but I will also make time for those in my life who matter to me. I refuse to back down and just give up on making plans with those who I care about.

This past summer I quit making plans and was trying to focus on making things at home better, it doesnt work and I learned so now I refuse to be isolated. With AH I pointed out how he would be seeing me and how much time he would still have with me throughout this month.

This past Thursday night we got into another fight. We were both tired. He was sitting at the table. The dog was in the kitchen. Instead of standing up and walking the dog to the door, the way the trainer has explained it should be done, he reached out and gooched (which is what we learned from the trainer, its a quick poke in the ribs to get the dogs attention) the dog. My dog snapped at him for doing this because he felt threatened.

My AH was upset with me for not backing him up and not reinforcing what he had done. I calmly stated that we have not been working our training program as we should be. I pointed out that had he stood up and walked JB to the door he would have not snapped. Then my AH starts in on if JB bites again hes going to call dog control and he started threatening my dog. My response was a total reaction and I stated if he did that then I would call the police and report the pot in the house.

I went to bed at 8:30 that night because I was so exhausted. Im so tired of fighting. Everything feels like it has been such a fight and I dont want to have so much discord all the time. The past 3 Thursday nights have been exhausting. Friday morning I drove in to work thinking of everything that has been going on. I called my AH at 6:48 and told him that we dont have a marriage, that this is ridiculous. I stated that we have spent the past 3 Thursday nights fighting, that I was letting my restaurant manager know that I would not be in on Friday or Monday and I was packing up my stuff and JB and leaving.

I contacted my friend who has the extra room and lined that up. I contacted my friend who has been a huge support and told her and she offered to help me move. I contacted my parents and they said I could move in with them. My AHs mom and sister blew up my phone with messages on Friday. They were both trying to convince me that he loves me and to not leave. My decision was made. My AH texted me to say that he loves me, I told him I love him too but my decision was made.

Friday afternoon my AH asked me to call at my convenience. He told me he would not be at the house when I came for my stuff that his nerves could not handle it. He told me he would leave me a letter. He stated that all pot and pot related items were gone and that I was right about all that and that hes not addicted to it like he is the drinking and its gone. I simply listened and said good bye.

At work, I worked. I did not tell everyone my business. I contacted solely those who I needed to talk to. I did not act like my world was ending. I had a plan. I had support. I was praying, because I want to make the right choices. I prayed the whole way home.

I arrived home and JB greeted me. AH left the letter in the desk chair. In his letter he admitted that he was wrong. He admitted that the night before he should have stood up and walked JB to the door. He admitted that he gets on a one track course of convincing me that he is right, when in fact I have been the one who is right. He wrote that he knows I have called him out on his need to control and that he doesnt want to control but he wants me to allow him to continue to grow to be a better man. He wrote that he knows that each of these fights have been hard on me but ultimately have benefitted us. He said the dog trainer was the best thing we could have done. That when he is training mode with JB that JB allows him to gooch him but when he reaches out in haste and frustration that is when JB reacts poorly.

He wrote that he knows people might believe I would be crazy to stay but to please not look at this as a loss or a win but to give our marriage a chance, to call him out when he becomes a one man train for proving himself right.

I read his words and packed my stuff in the car.  I texted him that he could come home, that I was leaving. I drove to my parents where I handed the letter to them.

Then for the first time I cried. I let my parents read his words. Then we prayed. I went to dinner with my parents and their friends. I texted my AH that I would be home the following day. He had a cooking class that I purchased for his Christmas present and I had a 5K so I told him I would be home in the afternoon. I called my friends to let them know that I would not need their help.

Saturday afternoon off and on we had different conversations. I left because I stated that I was going to. I meant what I said, I might have stated it meanly but not intentionally, it was more just emotionlessly.

I talked to my sponsor yesterday. We talked about my need to read more on communication. I told her I dont want every fight to come down to me leaving but that I have felt that this is my only course of action. I can only change me and these topics have been very intense topics. I believe that his letter is genuine and sincere. I believe that he is going to work on himself and I am going to continue to work on me. I am going to try not to allow myself to get worked up to the point of red fury to where I leave. This has less to do with his drinking and more to do with poor communication. He doesnt start drinking until the evening so there is time during a day to talk to him while he is sober.

I have to learn how to communicate without bottling everything up. I no longer have the verbal dumping on me, Ive made it clear I wont accept it and he hasnt done it. I no longer walk on egg shells. These past 3 Thursday the situations have been very different then before. The way I react is different.

My next step is learning how to effectively communicate instead of bottling it all up. Ive literally seen huge changes, and my statement these 2 times Ive left have been that I know I can only change me and Im changing my situation. This now needs to include me not having to leave in order to make change happen.

I think if I can adjust my ability to be a better communicator then we will be able to move forward. I know that idle threats create a negative result. Each time my mind was made, but now Ive agreed to stay and work on it so I genuinely have to follow through on what Ive said I will do. Im going to be doing a lot of reading on communicating!!!!

Thank you for letting me share, again I'm sorry it's so long!