This is my first post although I have been on here looking at a lot of other posts to help get me through this. OK AH and I (married 6 years together 10) are now separated. I feel like I don't need to explain all the abuse, manipulation, blame, etc that I have been through with his alcoholism because we all know what it is like. I finally got to the point of leaving when my children (10, 4, 3) were crying and begging me to leave and not stay in the house with him because of his verbal and physical abuse toward them, especially my 10 year old his step son. And actually my counselor and my husbands from his brief stint in rehab and my sons psychologist say that my son and I suffer from PTSD because of the level of the emotional, verbal and physical (object throwing and breaking) abuse. So anyway I left and went and stayed at my parents house which wound up being a burden on them. So after discussing with AH that it was best if he leave well he eventually left and went to his parents house after being arrested for physical control (passed out in an intersection). Because of his profession he had been able to get away with it for a long time. So we separate after his arrest and he goes to rehab and was doing sooo well! I actually had hope! Bad idea on my part. Following his 5 weeks of outpatient rehab which actually was maybe 4 after he cancelled some sessions he gradually slipped back into old patterns of thinking. He is now at the point of getting an apartment and telling me he doesn't know if he wants to be a father or husband. And even had the nerve to tell me when I was asking him about our plans for our marriage now that he is getting an apartment that he doesnt know what he wants and that I can hang out for a year and see how it goes. I am thinking that he is just on a chase for the alcohol because he was not permitted to drink at his parents although he recently relapsed that I know of for sure after about 3 months of being "dry". (S/N my son (10) just saw me typing this and said my AH is like this !!) And I also recently caught him attempting to hit on a friend of his. This is a man who although I know he is an alcoholic I stayed in the marriage because I knew 1. He would never leave his family and 2. He would never cheat on me. Which he has now done both.

Given all this info as of recent here is where I stand in my recovery. I am glad that I finally posted on this board. I am working on my codependence by having no contact period. Even the kids will not be around him because as my counselor said "he left the family". But even more important it is not safe for my kids to be in his presence especially now that he has his own apartment where he can drink as much as he wants and not have to answer to anyone. So basically he is worthless to me nothing but bad qualities. I now know that I deserve much more than just those two qualities in a spouse!!! I feel that I am attractive, I am an RN and an excellent mother. But the abuse from him had my self esteem to about zero. I am still working on my self esteem so that I may get the strength to file for divorce. I have been going to counseling and f2f alanon when I can which is very rare because I am now a single mom of 3 kids! I am trying to fight the constant motion of wondering about him and what he is doing, what is he going to do. Why is he this and why is he that? Who cares? I have A's in my family but they are not manipulative and abusive like my AH. They care about their family and do not seem as self-centered as he does. I am really struggling to not be angry at him! I know it is a disease but it is very hard to not be angry!!! I am just looking for advice to be able to stop "the tapes" and move on with my life. I want a relationship with a healthy person who can love me like I do them. Not an emotionally unavailable, self-centered, abusive drunk. Sorry this is so long! ESH please!!