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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> trying to prepare myself
Post Info TOPIC: trying to prepare myself
Iris lover of dogs


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trying to prepare myself
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Next weekend is my AH husband's move out of the house date.  It has been 2 months since I made the decision not to continue our 7 year marriage and 17 year relationship, and I haven't doubted that decision until now.  We agreed that 2 months would give him time to figure out what he wanted to do, and there have been ups and downs during that time.  In the last week, he has been something like his old self, the one I married, and I keep having to tell myself - I've done this roller coaster TOO MANY TIMES; I know this won't last.  I know that he and I both need the change:  he needs to go find what will motivate him to change his life and take responsibilty (or not) and I need to be in a situation where I am not afraid to come home from work, a situation where I can make a life of peace and relative stability.  But right now I am feeling sad and guilty.  So many of you stick with your AH's . . . sometimes I wonder whether I am wrong.  But then I look back at all my despairing journal entries, and I know that this is the way that I want to go.  I don't want to keep doing what I have been doing for 7 years.  I know I'm done.  but guilt is the problem - guilt.  I have learned enough about my codependent behavior to realize that guilt is a part of my codependent "dis-ease", but I feel it anyway.  I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when it is all over.  I'm tired of pain. 



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Iris lover of dogs
rehprof


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No one can tell you what is best for you.

That being said, I stayed with my AH for about 10 years too long...hoping things would change....I'd have a week or two of relative calm...and that would keep me in the relationship..but I was always questioning...somehow the known evil seemed better than the unknown...

Take care of yourself, trust your intuition, and if you can't decide, then don't.

((((hugs))))



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Iris lover of dogs


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rehprof,

The thing is - I already decided.  I can't imagine going back, continuing the struggle.  But I still feel the guilt, the sadness.  I guess that shows that I'm not completely at peace with the decision in some way.  But I won't change my mind.  I just need to keep focused, not doubt myself, to get through this coming week.  So tired. 

Thanks so much for posting a response - it  helps so much just to have someone respond, just to not feel alone. 



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Iris lover of dogs
Mattie


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There's sadness even if you know it's the right decision.  I don't think the sadness is a reason that we should second-guess ourselves when we have made careful decisions.  I also stuck with my AH for much longer than I should have.  I kept hoping...  Even though he was clearly making our lives chaos when I finally decided to split up with him, I felt a lot of sadness.  It was a loss of the things I had hoped for, even though it turned out those hopes were misplaced.  Also there's that little fear that keeps us attached.  Once we had actually made the split, though, I felt so much more peaceful.  Hang in there and remember that those feelings aren't necessarily facts.



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Iris lover of dogs


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Thank you Mattie - that really helps me. I have been 'addicted' to hope. I keep reminding myself that this is all it is - hope, not reality. And yes, the unknown - life without him after so many years - does feel scary. But I'm also excited in another way. Having control over the emotional climate in my space - I just want that so badly. Obviously I'm conflicted, confused and sad. But your post has helped me accept where I am. Thank you again.

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Iris lover of dogs
Pushka


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Hugs Iris,

I just so understand what you are going through at the moment and I am sorry that your relationship has ended, in my own situation I'm grateful that my spouse is not living with the kids and I right now. I miss him however I do not miss all of the craziness that goes with him being here. It's not about him drinking (he hasn't had a drink in almost 1 1/2 years, no program though) even it's just about the roller coaster I get on at the moment when I'm around him to much.

Everything you are feeling is so totally normal, a big thing I've felt is just relief. I wasn't crazy (ok crazy behavior from time to time .. lol), I really wasn't crazy and I believed what I saw and not what I was told.

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Debilyn


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I sure know where you are. But remember!!!!!! Once he is out, the pain starts to go away. You can look fw.Does not mean it is ez, but it is a new beginning. The calm will be shocking. The stomach pain will start going away slowly.

I realized, wow its ok and normal to not feel in upheaval all the time. My life is my own, its soooooo nice. We forget what it is like to not live on that horrible roller coaster.

You,right now are worrying about losing what you know. Change is not ez but it can be exciting, hopeful.

Hey so he has been nice for a week. They are master manipulators. Just becuz he is not living with you does not mean you will never see him, or maybe it will. YOU are going to find YOU again.

hugs,debilyn



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surfgirl123


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I wish I had your strength. I too struggle in exactly the way you describe. My AH has terrible rages when drinking, but then comes the calm and I delude myself into thinking he might get better and I guilt myself into staying when I know I should go. While I am working on my plan to get out when I am ready I am not there yet, you are ahead of things, peace is on its way for you. Stay strong, keep us posted. :)

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danni


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Sending you so much support. Like you mentioned, I am one that does choose to stay, but each situation is different. Please spare yourself the additional burden of comparing yourself to anyone else. I can completely understand someone choosing to leave. Only you can know what is right for you, and I really believe whatever happens, you will be ok. Easy does it and sending you support as your journey unfolds. big hug

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Michelle814


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what works for someone may not work for another. I learned in al-anon it is important for me to be true to myself, my heart, and my health and for me, at this time, that is being with my AH... that does not necessarily mean it will be that way forever.. and what is right for one person may be entirely wrong for another. follow your heart but remember you do not have to make any decision today. today you can decide to just not make a decision right now. ???

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Iris lover of dogs


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Thanks so much all of you - hearing your thoughts has REALLY helped me today.

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Iris lover of dogs
yanksfan51


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It seems to me after a relationship of any length, it is difficult to face the ending and the uncertainty a change would bring, even if the day to day life has been the roller coaster ride (most of us sadly have gotten to know the twists and turns of that ride--and knew what to expect!).

your post is an inspiring one--you are a strong person! 



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