The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't hear you say, "I WON'T do it." That's good!
You seem "open," and that's all you need in my opinion, a "willingness" to believe. Let it unfold, I know my concept of Higher power continues to change. It just can't be put into a box, I accept that my human mind is limited.
I am currently dating a physicist. On his profile, he indicated he was neither spiritual nor religious and so, I thought we were probably going to be a mis-match. However, during our first date at the botanical garden, and I saw how he marveled at the beauty of nature just as I did, I began to think a relationship might be possible. As time went on, I learned he also believes that all living things have this "intelligence" that we humans can not completely understand, or control. So I asked him, it he truly believed he was not spiritual, and he said, "not when you put it that way."
To me, Higher power is more like that, like the "energy" inside all living things, the "life force" for the entire planet. It is life itself. When I studied anatomy and physiology, I came to believe even more.... the intelligence of the body itself! the miracle of homeostasis! It's so intelligent and it's so close to me, it's inside me, it "is" me. There is something about the way things work in this universe, that convinces me I am personally supported and loved. Indeed, I cannot even be separated from it.
The first step is a necessary admission, the foundation of the steps. And for me, it's easy to see I have no power, I cannot control people, places, things, or situations. Reality as-is... I simply cannot control. Therefore, I have come to believe "Reality" is God. If I can't control it, it must be God. So I often sit, stuck in traffic, saying, "thank you God, I trust you." And lots of "good" comes to me in traffic, sometimes just some necessary peace as I settle in and turn on some Beethoven.
And while I completely understand you, and relate to not trusting it or seeing it as anything GOOD when your life seems to be crumbling around you...... in recovery I came to believe over time, that this was actually a process of watching my life come together, it was not "bad" at all, it has been very good and healing for me in ways I could not have imagined. I have come to trust that Higher power was guiding me in the very best way for my highest good. I just didn't know it. I am only human, with limited understanding.
Part of coming to believe for me, was going to meetings.... I would watch people arrive like I did, completely devastated, crawling into the rooms... yet in only a matter of weeks, they were coming back to life!!! It was amazing. For me, seeing is believing.
As Betty said, it will unfold. Be gentle with yourself.
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 5th of February 2012 01:24:31 PM
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 5th of February 2012 01:39:42 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
For me rehprof, .. I have to start with step 1. I am powerless over people, places, things (and the past). If I can't admit those things then I'm trying to control the situation, whatever the situation is. For me the past is a big deal, why this, why that, why, why, why, .. now that I'm accepting that the past is not something that I can fix to change my current situation I have to know I did the best I could with my broken tools (I'm in no way rationalizing my own situation .. I can't control another person with what they do and don't do .. I came to the relationship with broken tools OR I wouldn't have probably gotten involved to begin with).
When I can admit that I am powerless .. though it leaves room for me to begin to turn things over to a higher power. It is NOT my will though .. HP's will not mine be done. I focus on what IS good in my life. Those gratitude lists as hokey as they sound .. they DO work. It reminds me that there is good regardless over the situation. I'm emotionally in flux shall we say .. lol .. over my own situation and what the last 2 years of my life has been like. The reality is for me that while yes, .. it sucks, if I could change it, .. boy oh boy I would in a heartbeat! I see the blessings as well as the pain, .. I wish I could convey that better in program talk. I was in so much pain when I came to the program that even though my faith has wavered in the past. I was in a place that ANYTHING was better than where I was at.
This is what works for me: sit down do a gratitude list, say the serenity prayer, and I ask myself is it something I can control (99.9% of the time it's not anything outside of my own attitude/perception of the situation) Let go and let God. I have to get aligned with a place of hope that things ARE going to get better and I AM going to be ok no matter what. I have to see outside my own limited window to the world that is out there and along with the pain are tremendous blessings. Be gentle with yourself maybe you just aren't there yet and that's ok, give yourself permission to be ticked off at HP .. He can handle it. Give yourself permission though to lean on something bigger than you.
Reading alanon daily readers is huge for me too.
Hugs P :)
I am sending you love and support during this difficult time, it will pass and things will get better just keep coming back. :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I do believe that my idea of God had to change I always looked on God as the great avenger and if I was good and prayed hard I would be rewarded and given all I wanted. When that did not work and after playing by all the rules my life fell apart, I became very angry with God and decided not T trust again.
Alanon came along and taught me to define my own HP. I knew the world was in perfect harmony so I defined my HP as:
Having Perfect Love, Perfect Wisdom. Perfect Intelligence, Perfect Courage etc.
I then could call on this HP for guidance and support not for an easy life.
That brought me back to God and the grown up awareness that this life is a journey, and life is a gift and I need to have all the courageous tools that I attributed to HP in order to live.
I now pray for courage, serenity and wisdom and I am never disappointed.
Keep an open mind and continue to use the tools. It will unfold.
Rehprof - Don't get stuck on HP as "God" that you may have known growing up or the "God" that is in religion. HP only means believing in something larger than yourself. This can be many things. It can be the force of nature. It can be an idea. It can be a group of people or a process. Often times, an alanon group or alanon itself can serve as your higher power until you develop a more personal and deeply spiritual HP. The point is to let go and to stop railing against things that are out of your control. Hence, you have an HP right here in MIP in that you come here and voice your problems and concerns and begin to let go. Don't get hung up on "God" because this is about a higher power of YOUR understanding. It could be a friggin tree or some sea nymphs if you wanted :)
I once went to a meeting where a person had Samantha from bewitched as their higher power because they liked how she always watched over Darren and made him feel safe.... Whatever works for ya lol.
Personally, I found I was yearning for something a bit more personal and maybe more traditional. My sponsor recommended a book "Conversations with God" to help broaden my ideas.
Anyhow, I often hear people getting hung up on this step and it's because they are trying to define God or force themselves to accept a God that is NOT of their understanding. This is more about what you do believe in and not what you don't believe in. Of course you don't feel "God rays" shining down on you when you come into the program at your lowest point. That is why you search for spirituality in the things around you, write gratitude lists, and stay open minded to positive forces outside of yourself. Your concept of a higher power will develop from there.
It took a long time but what helped me get over this hurdle was the 4th chapter in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous We Agnostics.
What finially clicked for me was the idea; Who was I to sit in judgement of God?
I still have no idea who or what God is or may be. But the 3rd step doesn't say I have to pick a Deity or have God figured out. It says 'Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over'.
So I decide to trust this idea. There's another step for helping you connect with whatever your beliefs are.
I had an answer started then my timer went off meaning my hair coloring was done and I had to take care of it - which gave me some time to more fully consider your question personally and it came to me that, in the beginning, when weeping, bawling, stressed out, angry, fighting, horrendous mess of me first came to this board my higher power was the desire to NOT be in pain anymore; to find a way out of the chaos my life had become, to not ride the crazy train, get off the hamster wheel, etc. I have a strong faith in God, but the DESIRE to stop the insanity was what kept me reading, thinking, learning, changing things I could change, understanding things I hadn't before, looking for a way to find the peace I used to enjoy naively not understanding how wonderful it was. The wisdom of certain statements like: Nothing changes if nothing changes; and They will drink or not, what will you do?; and (my favorite) What you think of me is none of my business - these three brought me so much peace especialy in the early days. I can add in one that works when I don't know what to do - When in doubt, do nothing.
In the beginning my higher power was the intensity of desire to change the way things were in my life, find my way back to peace.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
