Doing the best I can - Al-Anon Family Group

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Doing the best I can

danni · Senior Member

Sending you tremendous support as you work your way through this. big, big hug

danni · Senior Member

work isn't the right word. maybe "ease"...anyway, it gives me a chance to send you another big hug :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Your husband is messed up and has lots of problems. "Rejection" is not the word to focus on as much as the reality which is that he was proned to try and get his needs met from another messed up person rather than one who is gaining health through alanon.

You outgrew him and that is a hugely painful thing, but not necessarily a bad thing. This is going to be a really rough period however it turns out, but you are dealing with it as best as possible. I do hope you stay focused on your positives. All the things you say to your daughter are so true and so positive. Perhaps it will help if you talk to yourself like you do to her and give yourself the same kind of reassurances.

Mark

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

It's so hard when our kids struggle, too. Sending you prayers and cyber hugs of support today. Just remember that you are a child of God and that He will never forsake you. When my uncle cheated on my dear aunt and left her with 2 pre teen girls, she was in shock. Before their divorce she was a mean mommy(as my cousins like to call her) but after the divorce, she softened. She is not a Christian but she did have a spiritual awakening that has brought her so much peace in the years that followed. She has always felt that despite it being the hardest time in her life regarding marriage, she also feels it was the greatest door opening event in her life. She said that over time, a weight was lifted from her shoulders, her kids adjusted and adapted, and her life had new meaning. She said she learned that she is stronger than she ever thought possible and that her life married to my uncle was just a sham. She was truly grateful to him for leaving her.
Now, here's an interesting twist to the story. My uncle left the east coast and moved to San Diego with his 'new' wife. 12 years later he cheated on her, too. He is now on his 3rd marriage and we all wonder what the heck this woman was thinking. Why would you marry someone who cheated on his first 2 wives, and the second time it was with you!? DUH! It's amazing what life lessons we all need to learn and most of them are learned through our mistakes and hardships. Just wish God didn't trust us to handle so much, LOL!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL .. Mark .. thank you!!

I am talking to myself that way too, that is part of my self soothe role .. that 8 year old inside of me is such a frightened scared little girl. It's ok .. because the adult in me is coming out and I love that fact. He did mess up bad and I'm on board with that .. it's the illusion that I was rejected (that is my reaction to the situation, even if he has issues I still feel rejected (there is a speaker that talks about being rejected by a reject, mood altering men and exciting misery)) because you are right .. there are other issues going on. Those are not mine to address, if he chooses to then he will, if he doesn't then that is on him. He will always have to look at me and somewhere know he could have gone about things in a different way. Where the lie ends and where the truth begins for anyone else is not on me to figure out, it is not my guilt and shame to carry.

If I don't deal with the fact of my fear of rejection in general I will continue to carry those aspects of codependency with me (I'm so done with that too .. shutting myself out and off bleah) and I'm focusing on myself so greatly at the moment, that is what will heal me. He's going to do what he's going to do .. what I can do is take a fearless inventory of my character defaults AND take a fearless inventory of my character assets, while taking things just in today. Needless to say .. I need a hobby .. lol. That's part of what I'm working on to, knowing when to pick up the program and look at myself and knowing when to keep the program in play and learn to play while living a positive life.

The best part is .. I have people like you rooting me on and it makes such a world of difference!!

Hugs P :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Pushka

Lots of hugs coming your way You are doing well. Remember:

"Rejection is HP's protection."

Take that little girl by the hand and say that you and HP are here. That with HP's guidance she will never be alone of frightened again

Trust HP and keep showing up

It will get much better

-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 4th of February 2012 07:38:31 PM

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

You know how to speak to that girl now, in ways you never have before. You have outgrown him, and that does hurt so much. You are absolutely working your program and it is so incredible to watch.

Sending hugs and love and support!!!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I know how it hurts about the kids. I still remember that feeling of if I leave him what about the kids? that was the worst.

your little one will be ok as long as you show her you hurt but you are still strong. She needs to know that. I remember when my daddy left mother for awhile or more they separated. I was so afraid.

Mother being ok made me feel better. If you have friends and church friends that love your kids, they need that love.

I have faith in you. Its ok to sob throw pillows, lose it. Let it out. This does not mean you are not ok. Its part of the healing. When you get where things feel familiar how they are and you get thru it, you will feel such power.

If you need me I am here anytime. email me. I care about all of you here. You guys have always been here for me too.

Let people help you. hugs,deb

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

Sending you prayers and positive thoughts. You are strong, stronger than you can imagine, and just from the support you give others here tells me you can weather any storm. Stay strong XOXO

nyc018 · Senior Member

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through and I just want to add my prayers and support to you. Feelings can seem unbearable at times, but they aren't permanent and you're not alone. You have a lot of strength and power and you'll come out of this ok. Sending you hugs, nyc

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sending you love and support and sending you serenity for this weekend!

sookie · Senior Member

(HUGS) Pushka. I understand what you are going through so well. I am there with you and here for you. Great ESH here! ilovedogs--you just described my Mom perfectly! Wow. It is a journey and sometimes I feel a weight lifted off me to as things with my separated AH shift and settle down and I see my attitude with my kids becoming gentler, focusing on them and being in the moment with them instead of worrying about 'the situation'. No matter what--they need one sane sober parent! I am grateful that is ME.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I know what you mean about just being with God. So sorry youre feeling all this right now, you wil have these bad days then good ones. Thank goodness you have your program!!! Your HP is always just a prayer away and whereve you feel near to GOd thats where you should be whether thats a meeting, or church, or in a bubble bath. be kind to my friend, Pushka... she deserves it.

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