The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi my AH and I have been doing a tango for a while now about whether we will actually stay married or not! I am the one to keep bringing up the idea of spltting, because I am not able to find happiness living with the patterns of this disease.
This forum and meetings have been invaluable, and many people here suggested the Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, which has been spot on with so many feelings and issues I/we have been dealing with.
I had to express to my AH that I am willing to give it all another try, but am giving to the end of the school yr as my time frame--I can't keep waiting and seeing where this will go. I also expressed that I know it is not my business whether he drinks, smokes etc or not but I do not have to live with the excess drinking and all that goes with it (buying booze to keep in the trunk of his car, spending tons of dough in bars, coming in in the middle of the night).
this may seem very weird but I wrote all of this in an email--he is traveling and we have not talked much at all this week, but also it was cathartic for me to write all of this down.
thanks for letting me vent again and I continue to be inspired and gain much insight each and every time I log in to this forum!!
I understand so much of what you are talking about emotionally and just writing things down so you can get things out or just think about what you want to say. It's something I do as well, then I can choose to send the email, talk about it or I can choose to let it all go.
Living with any addict is crazy making. Happiness about anything is an inside job. I can't and don't base my own happiness on if my A is drinking or not, working a program or not. The reality is I didn't cause the addiction, I can't control the addiction and I won't cure the addiction. I CAN work on myself and remember outside of the addiction, I don't have to be lost to my A's addictive behavior. I know what I know and I know I'm not crazy. I know my own truth. I know the difference between where the lies stop and where the truth starts.
Keep coming back, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My thoughts and prayers go out to you this morning. It sounds like we walk in similar shoes. I am encouraged to hear that you sound strong about knowing what you need for yourself. Thanks for sharing.
as I was telling an old friend this afternoon--it has given me so much comfort to realize how many people have stayed in marriages for a loooong time in these circumstances
i feel such a sense of relief knowing i have a plan for myself, and that I am allowing the chance for our marriage to survive but know that I am strong enough to deal with it if it does not
You may already know this, but the boundary ought to be for him to commit to recovery and not just "stop drinking." It will be 100x harder for him to just stop. When I got sober it was impossible for me to just stop on my own. I made it 4 months once and then relapsed. I fought the idea of AA for so long. I really really REALLY did not like the idea of surrendering to AA and having to go to meetings and such. Nobody made me go, but it was suggested by friends that cared about me. Basically, they put it to me in a way that made it clear that alcohol was in control of me and not the other way around and those people needed ME to be present and not alcohol all the time. Prayers for you!
Thank you Mark--helpful words. When I wrote everything down for my AH, I literally wrote that I understood I could not make him stop drinking, that it was his business, but that there were specific issues that drinking brings into our lives that I cannot live with. Reading the Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage has helped very much, as well as these boards
