This is a copy of apost I put on the ACA board.  I thought some people here may be able to offer some insight also

well.. I had to go see the psychologist again.  I have to say, I was very nervous about the next appointment given the emotional toil of the last one.  I was not looking forward to it.

I had been requested to think about the last session and pick some of the memories from it that I found hard to recall.  Particularly... my Dads reaction to me at the loss of a gift.  What I remembered was my feeling.  I will explain that a little further, but I think I put it into a different post a while ago.

As a young child... I had feelings that were very very intense.  The sheer gut wrenching anxiety if I felt like I had hurt someones feelings.  Naturally over childish things as I was a child.  If I allow myself to think of some of those times now as an adult I still feel the intense emotions of a child.  I can't really put the feelings into words.. it is like my soul has been torn out because I have upset someone, or someone is angry or let down by my actions.  I dont' get it often but it is more of a memory emotion.  As an adult I have a similar emotion if I hear about or see an animal in pain.I get quite distraught.

I tried and tried to remember what my Dad must have done the day I felt that way about him.  The day that I knew I had made my Dad upset and angry and I just hurt inside.  I can't remember his reaction at all.  I can't remember him yelling at me or being angry with me, but I remember the feeling I had.... this got me to thinking and I remember that very same emotion even younger.  It was a feeling I had often as a child.  Perhaps I could not remember a negative reaction from my father because there hadn't been one specifically.  What I remember is my own emotional response.. REGARDLESS.. of the reaction of the adult involved.  I pondered on this more.

I had a bit of an awakening in the morning of the appointment.  The feeling that I had that day in my childhood.. and many prior and post that day.. was a deep feeling of responsibility for other peoples emotions/happiness/reaction.  If I felt that a person was upset with me, by somethign I had done or not done... I was totally shattered.  I took on that responsibility as a pre7 year old little girl. 

When we are children we cannot differentiate between our world, where we end and another starts.  I know I was treated badly by my elder sister.  I know I was abandoned as a small child by everyone.  Therefore, in my childs mind, I must have been responsible for that.  Nothing has ever happened to prove that wrong.  Not jobs or relationships.

Reading the ACA literature, it states our feeling of responsibility.  I never identified with that much.  NOw I do. 

I shared this with my psychologist.  She agreed.  WE did a guided emotional exposure to an event I remember when I was 7ish.  The total responsibility I took on for my mothers happiness.  The total shattered feeling I had one day when I let her down.  The psych agrees that itwas not an appropriate reaction of a 7 year old. 

So.... how has this manifested to my life today.... In my conscious I do not identify as a people pleaser.  I do what I want.  If 'they' don't like it.. tough titties... hmmmm.. well... the psych and I thought together... if I really didn't believe I was responsible for others happiness.. why do I feel that I can change my partners drug habit by loving him more???  (I am working on that).  Why did I stay with people who hurt me ... because deep down I thought that is all I was worth??? I had to make up for making them angry... I had to make up for being so stupid and annoying he had to hit me to shut me up.  It was my fault..... If I get angry at myself first then the other person won't get angry or upset with me.. I will bash myself up before he gets the opportunity to...

Men I have been with have been like my father in that they have never met my expectations of perfection before I have upset them or annoyed them to the point of not loving me anymore.  Then they have fallen off thier pedestal and the relationship falls apart.

Now... I think most of this was subconscious/schema level stuff.  I did not have those exact thoughts (well maybe once or twice).

Today.. I feel like I have been hit over the head with a shovel.  I was a hurt damaged small child who.. by the time I was 7.. so it was already done by then.. was damaged to the point of having a panic attack because I told my Mum an Easter hat parade was at 2pm instead of 10am.  (long story)...

I think because I saw my Mum so badly hurt all the time.. I never wanted to be responsible for upsetting her in any way.

I never really thought about it at that level before.  The psych showed me that what I was feeling was not just a silly child reaction.. it was not an average reaction.. but it was an average reaction for a child who had been through some abuse.

Recovery:  I came to this board and I am thinking about Step One.  I was never really too sure what to put in the 'powerless over' box apart from.. powerless over my Dads alcoholism and my sister abuse.   I think I can put in .. I was powerless over the way adults felt.  My 7 year old actions were not to be held responsible for shattering the feelings of my Mother (who by the way was not upset at all) and no matter what I did.. I was not responsible for the way my sister treated me.  I was totally powerless over that.  Nothing I did caused it or cured it. 

I think I get Step One on a gut level today.