The Shot Heard Round The World - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

The Shot Heard Round The World

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Al-anon does not tolerate violence and advises us to protect ourselves.

While I remember hearing that, it didnt mean much to me because in early recovery, I had no courage or faith to act.

So, my sponsor would tell me that I was a beautiful, precious child of the universe, who was worthy of love and a beautiful life.

That didnt do anything for me until. I decided to believe it.

This is not unlike an alcoholic relapsing and saying, It wasnt so bad, I think I can probably get away with it again. This is a life-threatening disease, and we al-anons have that same disease! The disease of doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

In my experience, God kept bringing to me, situations that were meant to guide me out of my suffering, situations that screamed, wake up!! (nothing in Gods world happens by mistake.) I used to pray, angrily I might add, "Why arent you doing anything to fix this?!!" Which was me playing God, "Fix it the way I want you to fix it!" I wondered where God was in all of my suffering. And today I know, God was saying all along, you dont have to suffer. Trust me.

Which took courage because I always like to know what the future is going to look like. But thats not faith, is it?

This looks like your turning point, just as mine looked.

If you are afraid, pray for courage. Pray for faith. Pray for strength. Pray for WILLINGNESS to believe that you, too, are a beautiful child of the universe, worthy of love and a beautiful life.

Because its true.

But YOU have to believe it, nobody can do that for you.

If I posted here today that I was nearly shot last night by my raging alcoholic, what would YOU tell me, sweetie? Would you tell me to just hang in there??

-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 3rd of February 2012 03:35:27 PM

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

Need to vent to the only people in the world who will understand.

Came home last night and within minutes my AH went on a rampage. The worst I have ever seen. Screaming, punching in walls, throwing the gun he keeps in the house around, and then he discharged a bullet into the wall not knowing there was a round in the chamber. To say I was terrified is an understatement, he could have killed me or our dog by accident just like that. I have never felt so in fear and helpless. Once the gun went off it was like a light bulb went off in his head, he then confessed to buying a pint of gin while I was at work, downing it all, then driving to the local school to dispose of the bottle. He then went on for an hour about how he was going to kill himself, giving me instructions about what do with his body and who to give his stuff to. He finally passed out, very quiet this morning, no words spoken until he left for school.

To anyone new here: BELIEVE THESE WISE PEOPLE when they tell you not to bother looking for the booze. I used to. He simply found another way, I shouldn't have been surprised but I was.

I know now I need to get out. But I am scared, scared he won't let me leave, scared he will destroy our house. While he was ranting I managed to take my Iphone and record a few minutes without him knowing, I don't know why I did it, perhaps for my own sanity, perhaps to show someone else who might not believe me. He puts on a very good show to the outside world, no one would believe what I witness on a regular basis. I need to find the strength to get out, I don't know if I can. Signing out, lost and afraid, SG

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((surfgirl))) I've not been in a similar situation so have no ESH on the subject. I can only imagine how frightening that must have been! I'm so very glad you and your dog are safe. Please do whatever you have to do to make sure that you REMAIN safe. Maybe get in touch with your local domestic violence hotline or shelter. I'm sure others will have more to share. Just remember, you're not alone. Please keep us posted.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

OMGosh, .. HUGS surfgirl,

I don't even know where to begin without "shoulding" all over you and I so don't want to do that!! People's safety both younger, older and this includes animals needs to be put before the addiction as if I need to tell you that, .. that is a HUGE concern always to me regarding personal safety!

Please call a domestic hotline shelter I don't know or have the numbers, I DO know MANY wise, wonderful people here on the boards do. Please take care of yourself and be gentle .. there ARE always choices take time to take a breath. You absolutely need to have a plan B in place!!! If you have a sponsor now would be an excellent time to call them!!

Thinking and praying for you please update as soon as you can!! Hugs P

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending you hugs and support.

amills4294 · Senior Member

thinking of you during your horrific ordeal. I can only imagine how terrified you are. Your safety and your dog's safety is what's most important. Please keep posting. You will be in my thoughts and prayers today.

danni · Senior Member

Sending you support! I cannot even begin to imagine how frightening that must have been. As soon as I hear "gun', alarms go off, but I'll refrain from telling you what to do, because i frankly have no idea and it is not my place. You have received sound and supportive esh already, so I am sending you TREMENDOUS support and the prayer for the courage to change the things you can. Keep posting, and i am so glad you are here.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

SO scary.

You have lived through to another day. THANK GOD!

You do realize, most people will never have to face what you faced during his rage...and you made it.

You are strong, and resilient...and sometimes you just gotta take it one minute at a time.

You can do what it takes to stay safe -- both physically and emotionally.

Sending you strength.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

My word, surfgirl, This is serious. Please please please keep yourself safe. ((((((HUGS))))) and support. keep us posted. Worried for you and hope youre okay.

rara avis · Senior Member

Hey surfgirl,

Big hugs and keep you and your dog safe!

What you said about recording your A's rant, and his show for the outside world really resonated with me. In my case I came across the notes he wrote when he yelled at me. At first I thought, " I should just throw these away", but something in me told me to photocopy them. They ended up helping me twofold: first, it became very useful evidence that my RA was not nice, despite outward appearances. Secondly, whenever I felt doubts about myself, I could look at those notes and be reminded that I was doing the right thing. That video you took was a smart move.

Sending you lots of support! You will get through this. Hugs hugs hugs and pat the dog too!
rara avis

respect · Veteran Member

There was a time last spring when I was scared to be in the house with my husband and the gun. His outbursts were so unpredicable that I was scared. He also had a history of telling me he was going to kill himself.

The next time he threatened to kill himself I called the police. When they got there he admitted he was just seeking attention, but the cops took the gun anyway. It was the best thing I ever did. He still threatens suicide but the gun is was gone and I could finally sleep peacefully. It cost money to get it out of their possession and he didn't have any so it stayed there.

There is a book called The Gift of Fear. You should check it out. It teaches you when to listen to yourself. This might be one of those times. Maybe if you aren't ready to leave yourself then you could find a way for the gun to leave. Or you could hide the bullets....you'll have to decide whats right for you, but keep yourself safe- and the dog.

Sending strength and hugs your direction.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been in this fear, I have lived with a person that could have killed me and noone would have been any the wiser.

For that reason, I understand how ones brain often shuts down and pure survival mode takes over. Putting one foot in front of the other feels surreal.

Why did you record it,.... I would suggest your primal brain had the knowledge of a requirement for proof.. who are you going to show it to?? The police.

I am not going to be shy about saying my recommendations to you in a very blunt manner because when I was in this mode of survival, I had to hear it clear and simple in order to understand.

That man cannot be considered safe with access to weapons. The deterioration in his condition is becoming obvious and his unpredictablility has been proven.

Weapons need to be removed from his ease of access. The police will do that.

I am NOT suggesting you leave or take out any sort of order... I AM saying that you, your home and the surrounding neighbourhood including the local school where he chose to go in a drunken state, are not safe when his state of mind is mixed with a deadly weapon.

I will say you need to have an escape plan for you and your dogs safety.

I used to keep a bag of clothes ready to go. He thought it was clothes that I put aside because they didn't fit me. The car always had fuel and I had my own car key. I also had a hidden compartment with $20 in it in my purse. For me, my Mum always had a 'safety egg' of money for me to fly to her if I required it. (in the days before I had a credit card).

I lived very remote and did not have a phone (and mobiles were not yet invented really).

The thing I regret the most is not being able to protect our dog when I she needed me. Have a plan that includes both of you.

This is from my experience, I am sending you strength, and I hope you follow some of the suggestions you have been given. I am handing you over the my HP and she will assist you in the best way.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you have gotten from everyone that you and your dog are in BIG trouble!! This is the perfect scenerio for someone to be killed. He is not in control at all.

So many do kill someone, sober up and feel soooo awful.

Trust your intuition. When we are adults we don't have to ask for permission to leave. Your fear is telling you to act. Please listen.

Please please keep in touch. Do you have friends, family you and dog can go to? A house is just a thing. You cannot enjoy it dead or made into a challenged person.

My way is to start moving my stuff out little by little to someones house or whatever. Believe me you are NOT safe.

There is even a womens shelter up here in my tiny mountain town. many will allow you to have your dog or have places to take them to be fostered.

If I can help somehow, don't hesitate to email or pm me. I mean it.

sincerely said!!! love,debilyn

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Our self-esteem is in the gutter from the effects of this disease, we don't even realize when we did a courageous thing.... and you did (((my friend))) You took action.

You seem much better, and it must feel GOOD!! to take Good Orderly Direction.

When I began to tell myself, "I am going to take care of you," life began to feel better.

I am just so pleased to hear this. Keep coming and remember: Courage is not the absence of fear, it's taking the action in spite of it! You're doing it, sweetie.

-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 5th of February 2012 07:54:32 PM

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

Wanted to update everyone a day later. I went to my therapist first thing yesterday and we made a plan. It may not be all I will eventually do but I feel I am at least doing something: I have removed the gun, it is now in a safety deposit box he does not have access to (he agreed to this in exchange for me giving him time to get back in recovery), I have saved a copy of my video proof in several places he cannot get to, I have packed a bag of clothes and important documents that I will keep at my office (he does no know I have done this) and I am going to start to put money into an account that is just mine and start builing up my funds (he does not know about this). I have started looking at what rental apartments in my area will cost and ones that will take pets, while I'm not ready to move out now I am getting my head in order and with the gun safe that danger is removed. He does not have enough money or access to money to buy another one. While my AH is remorseful now (he always is) he at least has acknowledged he needs a new therapist as the current one is simply not helping and this is the first time he has ever considered anti-depresents, which have been suggested to him in the past but he always said no. This is also the first time he would ever have allowed me to remove the gun. I know these steps sounds weak, my therapist think it is time for me to leave and says my co-dependency is still running my brain, I know these things logically but I so want him to get better. All your advice and support is giving me the courage to at least take some steps I would never have considered before, at least it is some kind of momentum.

Your support and wisdom is a light in a dark tunnel, I hope you don't think me too weak for not leaving now, I will keep working on my recovery, thank you all! :) hugs

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Surfgirl,

You are not weak, you have taken steps to ensure your safety. You are being smart by making a plan. There is nothing weak about you, hon. I'm sooo glad you posted. You have been on my mind and in my prayers. You have done what is in your best interests and you know you have created some kind of safety for yourself.

You reached out and that's so huge in any recovery!!

Hugs, more prayers and support, P :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Great work Surfgirl

You addressed the issue with constructive action. You are setting up a plan B and facing reality Great Job

Please keep taking care of you and sharing here

You are worth it.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Take care of yourself and try to get to a meeting! I am sending you much love and support!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

We are not here to judge you my friend!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

To thine own self be true. Eventually, you will keep weighing the fears of staying vs. leaving and either the scales will tip or they wont. Ideally, the goal is to not live under fear whether you stay or go. I am saying a prayer for you peace and safety.

Mark

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Weak?? You have to be kidding... you are NOT weak at all!!!!

You have done the right thing for you at this point in time... and for your fluffy dog there....

Your safety is the paramount importance and what you are doing is excellent.

Well done.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.