Really this next week is a very anxious week, there are some big big things coming down the pipe.  I'm reminding myself that I only have to be in today which is Friday.  I plan on making sure to stay in this day.  I dont' want to miss out on today, because I'm worried about something that is 3 days away .. lol.  This weekend will be a little challenging and I can choose to be alone or I can choose to be with some friends .. right now I'm ok with the idea of being alone we'll see how the weekend unfolds.  I do have a coffee date with myself and I will enjoy listening to some music and reading something.  Again .. it's not today and I plan on making this the best today now. 

Yesterday was an amazing day .. I think that I've discovered the flip side of Step 1.  In admitting I am powerless over people, place, things and the past (that's a Pushka thing .. lol), the power I have found ... wow!!  It is the power I used to give away.  It is a feeling I can't really describe.  I'm getting to know myself and honoring myself.  The speaker last night said something to the effect that they saw themselves as the most important person in the room and they hoped everyone else felt that way about themselves.  I laughed to myself and thought I get what they meant.  Right now .. that power in me is kind of wild ... lol .. because it's been so long and maybe never that I really thought about myself as being important and not in an ego way in a self care way.  It shows!  I've hugged more, loved more, given more and I don't feel drained and empty.  It's like I'm getting back so much more than I've given back and I'm putting the experiences in my "joy bank" as my wonderful sponsor calls it.  At the same time it's making me a little bit on the onery side .. I'll own I like being a she-devil in a good way though .. lol. Ironically my headsets have a monkey devil on the side of them .. hmm .. starting to see a pattern already .. lol. 

Ironically, I've had a former co-worker tell me how much they missed me.  It was a really validating feeling.  My last job, .. that was dysfunctional family without an end insight and I was in the middle of that job in the height of my own craziness.  It was a horrific experience.  I did learn so much about myself as I look back it was pretty ugly at the time.  Just the people who have come up and hugged me out of the blue and people I see around it's just amazing and I realize how much I held others off.  I'm no longer prepared to do that, I want to let others in not hold them out.  Not everyone .. lol .. however I can allow people in or out instead of just keeping everyone out. 

I can't remember who said it, I think it was here, however I love the analogy that they got pushed down a rabbit hole (of healing), I added this part, very honestly I feel like Alice.  There are all these choices around me and nothing makes sense and yet it's not going to, addiction never makes sense.  Yet all the characters still apply, Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dum, the Queen of Hearts and so on.  I still have choices in the midst of madness, there is the cookies that say eat me and the bottles (non alcoholic of course )  that say drink me. Either are pretty potent healing stuff and I go through a range of intense emotion.  When I'm done with that particular rabbit hole I sit and go .. ookkk .. lol .. that was pretty big and pretty wild. Where's the next dang rabbit hole?  lol .. then I think .. umm .. let's give it at least two days to settle in, the next rabbit hole will appear on its own and I am still reeling from this ride. 

Anyway, sorry to babble .. I slept pretty good still struggling to stay asleep past 330am .. I did manage to get an extra hour and I feel ok.  I need to remember I started out yesterday the same way .. AND .. I can adjust my attitude at any point in the game. 

I know I need to do something for me today, and realign myself.  I've got some butterflies and weak legs at the moment which means my 8,9,10 year old wants to come out and run the show.  I've been pretty good at keeping her soothed and today is a day I need her to be soothed and keep things light and fun. I'm pitching in and out of obsessive thinking sooo .. lol .. I think I better get busy so I get better.

Thanks for listening, P :)