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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Afterwards
Post Info TOPIC: Afterwards
Jerry F


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Afterwards
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Aloha Otie...good to see your nick again.  Yeppers...being there and have done it before also and I've learned in program that letting go is exactly that letting go.  I have no power and soooo they come and then go for long periods of time doing their lives and then they pop in again and then they go again and in the mean time I have my own life to live that is not dependent upon who is here for me or not.   Learned that in program.  Everyone...EVERYONE makes their own choices and gets their own consequences and I am responsible for mine.  Sometimes they come back to the roost for stuff...talk, help, tools, whatever and then they are gone.  Other times they feel the need to check up on us and then they are gone again.  Sometimes we call them and they come and other times they've got stuff going and won't be coming.  My attitude is "It's okay for them to engineer their own lives and to not have us as the center of it...somewhere "out there".  They are carrying on and that's good.  Our responsibility is to call every so often and say hello and let them know the door is still open.  Kinda like HP works it with me.

By the way it is harder on a woman than it is a man because of our different centers.  A woman's center is much much closer to the heart while a man's is in his head...not a whole lot of room there after the football and basketball teams and favorite car or tools.   C what I mean?

Have a (((((hug)))))....smile

PS...the farthest any of them live from us is about 15 miles and the closest is 5.  



-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 2nd of February 2012 10:15:31 PM

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Otie


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Hi.  I am wondering if there is anyone who can talk about life after going completely no cantact with their chilldren?

I would like to hear what anyone feels free to tell.

Thankfully,

Otie



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Debilyn


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hi my friend, sure miss you.

ugh I know I told ya I was there before. It was so hard. I told them I earned respect and not to be around me till they could treat me right.

Was a looong time. Even recently I had to remind my daughter though she is working thru the past, i did make mistakes and apologized, I have grown so much in the last twenty years and am not like that person at all.

I do not want to hear about it anymore.

Otie I had to enrich my own life more. Got into things I loved. Spent more time with others. But I tell ya, i don't know if it ever feels right. I feel like my heart is wounded, something is always missing when I don't have contact with them.

They are from our body. If they are adopted I still believe they are from our hearts. We never really can separate from them. Least I cannot.

I can hardly stand not seeing my animals for a day!

hugs hon,debilyn



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Mattie


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Hi, Otie, I don't know if my experience pertains to your situation at all, so take what you like and leave the rest.  My child is young so the chances of that kind of situation have not arisen.  But there was a period when I almost decided to completely cut off from my mother, so this is my experience from the other end.

As I started to work on my emotional health, I began to realize how unhealthy my mother was in her interactions.  (My father had passed away by then so I'll stick to the situation with my mother.)  Dealing with her was very difficult for me.  I could feel myself getting sucked into the insanity.  She was not an alcoholic but she had grown up in a very dysfunctional family and she had other compulsive behaviors (bingeing, hoarding, etc.).  And she passed on that dysfunction, of course.  The whole situation was so painful I just can't describe it.  After one especially bad patch I decided that I just couldn't stay balanced any more while staying in contact with her.

At that point I happened to have a friend who was going to a "family system therapy" workshop, so I went along with her.  One of the exercises was to diagram out your family as far back as you had information.  What I realized was that cutting people off was a huge tradition in my family.  My grandmother had cut off a relative, my cousins had cut off my mother, other cousins had cut off their mother, etc.  And here I was about to cut off my mother!  Well, that sobered me up, so to speak.  I also read the books by Harriet Lerner in which she talked about how cutting someone off increases the intensity of the relationship instead of decreasing it.

So my own personal decision was not to cut her off, but to set very careful boundaries.  To be frank, she still drove me crazy.  I mean I was still gnashing my teeth and tearing my hair at times, but I did get a lot more practice at staying sane no matter what.  And I limited contact very carefully.  In retrospect, I would have been consumed with guilt if I had been out of touch with her in her final years.  Eventually, astonishingly, she decided to go to therapy herself.  She didn't have much time to work on it all but it did make a difference.  I can't say things were perfect but I was able to make some peace with her difficulties.

Every situation is different and I'm speaking as the child doing the distancing rather than the parent, so this may not be useful at all.  Of course I am not saying that this path is the right one for others.  Anyway that's my experience.

I know things must be painful for you to be exploring this topic -- hugs.



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Pushka


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Hugs Otie,

Sending you so much love and support!!

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
oldergal


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Good post Odie, good question. I have been struggling with that question.  Now that your kids are grown, the relationship has to change. They no longer need us anymore in the same way.  I know I have more time now to work my program and take care of myself. I think one has to go through a measure of grief. Sadness that theyare grown for better or for worse. Acceptance plays a major role in my life now, acceptance that my sons did not fullfill the dreams I had for them. They were my dreams not their dreams. I am still creating and learning what a healthy mother/son relationship looks like when you rarely even see them. Jerry F posted an excellent reply to your post. For now I am learning to be the best person I can be. If my sons choose to be around me great. To be honest with you there are times lately that I have made the choice not to keep company with my son, because of his immaturity. I want to be around positive, healthy people, because that is much better for my soul.

In support, Oldergal   



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