First Post - Al-Anon Family Group

Sally · Member

First Post

Mlkiss75 · Veteran Member

Sounds to me like you're moving in the right direction, and hopping up on this board is a good start. Keep sticking to your guns - it sounds like you know what's right for you. Stand up and give yourself the attention you deserve. With respect to the VFW on Friday, the best advice I could give is to do what is going to make you happy. Be aware of what you believe is the typical progression of such an evening, and possibly do what you need to in order to nip it in the bud - maybe go with your husband for an hour or so and then go home, have some nice alone time with yourself. That way you get the best of both worlds. My husband sounds very similar to yours except that he will ONLY drink at home, so I walk into a war zone just about every night. I have realized that as long as I do not engage his disease, I am usually okay. We rarely fight anymore, although he tries very very hard - slamming doors, screaming obscenities at me, scaring the dog into hiding in the bathroom. We live in an apartment building - I'm sure our neighbors think we're completely insane. But when he goes crazy like that, I know it's his disease and not me. He doesn't throw things or put his hands on me. I put my headphones on, listen to some music and read. Or I go in the kitchen and wash dishes or cook. I do not respond to his crazy questions or ask him to speak up when he wanders around muttering just loudly enough for me to hear him but not loudly enough for me to understand him. It's really sad - I miss him very much and we too used to spend incredibly fun evenings out and about with our friends. I'm hoping that the universe will see fit to steer him towards sobriety soon because there is much much more out of my partner that I need than his is giving me at this point, but I owe it to him to give it "the old college try" and see if it works out.

I remind myself constantly that it is not my job to take his inventory, to direct his path. Just as I have stumbled and erred along the path that has led me to where I am today, he is entitled to do the same. It's very difficult for me - this is my first marriage and we haven't been married 2 years yet. I love him dearly and I know a large part of his disease is the hurt he's feeling inside and to have to remind myself that there's nothing I can really do about it but love him and be kind to him is counterintuitive for me, but I know from my limited experience in this that it's really all I've got to provide to him. In the meantime, the best I can do to love and respect him is to love and respect myself, to care for myself so that I am okay and can enjoy the live that the universe has provided to me, the best that I can. I try not to get depressed - I remind myself that there is nothing on this planet that is perfect, no relationship, no person, and we are not the exception to that rule.

Like they say, one day at a time. You decide - would you rather spend an hour or two with him at the VFW, staying just as long as you are having a good time and leaving when you feel it is right for you to do so, or would you rather not spend time with him because it would make you uncomfortable? There's no rule book - do what's best for you!

Good luck on your decision and I hope you have an incredibly relaxing weekend!

Sally · Member

Thank you. I think maybe some boundaries would help. He only gets nasty when he is drinking shots, but of course he hides that from me. So at the point when he starts getting nasty, its time to go and he can choose to come or not.

The night when he grabbed my arm I was determined not to get into the yelling match with him. I went to bed and was reading a book and he kept coming in and knocking the book out of my hand. I guess maybe that is his re-acting to me changing? Short of leaving the house...which I have done before, but feel that I shouldn't have to everytime and sometimes it's not practical...what else can I do? I go to another room and he follows. If I lock the door, he would probably beat it down. I usually retreat to the bedroom, which isn't so smart, cuz if he follows me there then he'll block the door and I have no where to go.

How do you seperate the action from the man? In my head I know it is the disease doing the yelling, etc...but I do not know how to not get angry, resentful, hurt towards him when he acts like that.

Thank you for your words!

kael1539 · Veteran Member

Hi Sally - sending lots of support to you! It is tough to start making boundaries, it really is and it sounds like you are making some good ones and sticking to them which is just as hard. I remember the days of my AH raging around like that and me getting so caught up in the craziness. It took me a while to disengage from that - it really was a long process for me. My first real boundary came when my husband started bringing crazy people home, starting fights with them with our young kids in the house. Once that started I knew in my gut that I had to set a boundary of no drinking in the house - not even coming home drunk because it was literally scaring me to death and I did not want the kids around it. I finally decided my children (and myself, but back then my decision was more for them) have the right to a peaceful night's sleep. He tested my boundaries of course. So one night when he was out and drinking, I took the kids and left before he came home - I had no where to go but I took them to a hotel. The kids thought it was an adventure to go down the street to a hotel. Fortunately I had the money at the time to do that. Looking back I can't believe I stuck to my boundaries but it did work. He stopped coming home drunk. The result is now he goes out of town to drink. So the boundary did not stop his drinking, but for me now I don't have to worry about my childrens' safety and random lunatics roaming around my house at all hours.

I also remember the days of going out with him socially - after a point all of his "good nights" eventually died off. He would yell at me in public, start falling down early and after a particularly bad night I just decided I would not put myself in that position and from then on I refused to go out socially with him. Of course, by then it was easy because he was ruining any fun I was having. And yes I was sad because we used to go out and have a lot of fun together. We were both very social. That was something that depressed me for a long while - the loss of that fun together.

One thing I heard in Al-Anon was I can accept my husband as he is, but it doesn't mean I have to accept unacceptable behavior from him. I also realized my husband never really listened when I verbally set a boundary, but he did pay attention to what I DID so it was good to have a plan ahead of time. And the plan was for the kids and me - our own peace of mind and right to exist without a raging lunatic grabbing at us. Of course, "unacceptable" can have different limits for everyone, and the great thing is you have the freedom to decide what your boundaries are. As far as the resentments and anger, I still have those! I am going to Al-Anon and really committing to it, and it is helping A LOT. Hope you can get to meetings - you don't have to talk or anything, just sit there and listen for as long as you want.

danni · Senior Member

Welcome! What you described sounds very painful and potentially dangerous. Have you considered going to a face to face Al Anon meeting? The meetings offer information and support for the incredible and overwhelming pain and confusion of living with alcoholism. I am so sorry to hear of what you are having to go through, and there is tremendous help so you don't have to go through this alone. It sounds like you are wanting to make some changes, and for me, the meetings were instrumental in helping me make changes to take care of myself, regardless of whether my husband chooses to drink or not. It was just too much for me to handle alone, and I feel like Al Anon saved me...I really do. Sending you tremendous support. I know taking that step to post is painful. For me it was like admitting something i didn't want to admit. I remember thinking when i walked into my first meeting, "I can't believe it has come to this. How did this happen?". It was the best decision I ever made for me, my two little children, and my family. You are not alone.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds like you have great awareness and are already setting boundaries. You know what is best for you and your daughter, nobody else is in your shoes. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was so helpful for me and face to face meetings are priceless! Welcome to MIP!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.