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Hi I am a newbie and have a situation that is draining me mentally and physically and I feel very guilty. I am a 50 year old woman with 2 daughters and a great and supportive husband. Let me see if I can make this short and sweet (not so sweet) Both my 75 year old parents are and have been alcoholics since I can remember...I had an intervention with them 2 years ago after my mom fell down a flight of stairs and broke her ankle in 2. My husband has been to their rescue several times to pick my mom up off of the street she was too drunk (unconscious) to get up to her house. They own a business, but when it's Toddie time, they surely over indulge! Once again Mom fell and broke her pelvis and is coming home at the end of the week...(forgot to mention after her being in the hospital 3 days my dad fell drunk and I took him to the doctor against his will.
My dilemma is...Dad says "Mom's coming home Friday and I would appreciate it if you could be there for her and help out, she's is not supposed to be left alone"
And what are you feeling guilty about? Being a great daughter? A good wife? Having 2 good kids?
I know. You really, really don't want to get all involved in your parent's lives again. I think your parents are surely (in age) mature enough to be in charge of their lives. But your dad specifically asked you to be there for your mom. So you be there whenever YOU want to be there. If you don't want to be there, give any excuse, but don't be there. They CAN hire nurses to come in and care for them. They CAN hire housekeepers and cooks to keep the house clean and food in their stomachs. Maybe they don't want to do that?
I think the hardest thing for us to do is to respect them enough to let them figure it out for themselves. They know you think they are alcoholic.... you had the intervention on them. They know what they can handle. They are 75 yrs. old. They also will say what they think they need to say to manipulate you to do their will. They love piling the guilt on you and having you work for them.
As far as your own guilt goes...... Well, the first time you have to sit back and watch, you have to sit, sit, sit on your hands, put tape over your mouth and not do it for them. In our program we say that we "don't do for others what they can do for themselves." Oh, it is so hard.
And then when your guilt gets huge you can go in and make tea and cookies and be all cheery and happy and have a nice visit, don't promise anything, look around to make sure there are no dangerous situations and go home with a happy heart that you respected them enough to leave it alone.
Assisted living would be an option. Not sure how much you are capable of talking to them about the role of alcohol in this. Alcoholism is a disease and one that is causing them immediate medical concerns now. If it is not slipping and falling and breaking bones, it could be some other major system shut down at their age. "Helping out" may be beyond your scope cuz they are chosing to indulge in and worsen their own diseases and if they want that, perhaps finding a nurse or moving to assisted living would be an option.
I can certainly identify with your difficult situation. I do hope you have found alanon face to face meetings in your community . If not, the listing can be found in the white pages of your telephone directory.
Before mom is discharged from the hospital I would suggest that you talk to the "Social Worker" in the hospital and explain the situation. There may be "Home Care" services available that you can use when mom returns home.
I understand you are worried and unsure of the next right move so checking with the professional would be a great asset. Adult protective services are another tool that can be accessed to assist the elderly.
Please take care of you in the process. Alanon will offer you support, understanding and new constructive tools to live with and help to deal with this dreadful disease.
WOW! You hit the nail on the head!!!!!!!!! I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
You mentioned them saying what they think they need to say to manipulate me and make me feel guilty until I give in! You are soooo right! I recieved some pretty pitiful phone calls this past weekend.
I am not at the tea and cookies stage yet, but I thank you very much for your advice!
Best to you!
-- Edited by Davilu on Tuesday 7th of February 2012 12:20:18 AM
I read your story before posting and was heartbroken! Thank you for responding! I am searching for alanon meetings in my area.
I did speak with the "Social Worker" and made sure my mom made it home safely with the proper equipment, and that she will have a physical therapist, and a nurse once a week to check on her...I have given my dad several #'s for meals, and other assistance.
But the saddest thing to me was when I asked her (the day before she was to be released from the hospital what she would like for dinner her first night home...she replied "a martini!"
Thank you so much for responding, your support and love...so much appreciated! You are so right, It would be different if this were a neighbor, or friend...I guess what I mean is, I would have no problem saying what's on my mind. But when it is a parent, it's so difficult. I said what was on my mind the last time this happend and I got the cold shoulder for a year!
Both my 75 year old parents are and have been alcoholics since I can remember...I had an intervention with them 2 years ago after my mom fell down a flight of stairs and broke her ankle in 2. My husband has been to their rescue several times to pick my mom up off of the street she was too drunk (unconscious) to get up to her house. They own a business, but when it's Toddie time, they surely over indulge! Once again Mom fell and broke her pelvis and is coming home at the end of the week...(forgot to mention after her being in the hospital 3 days my dad fell drunk and I took him to the doctor against his will.